Saturday, December 25, 2004
Because, because, because,
because of the wonderful things he does...
..all this pain, looking at it from anothers point of view, (ie: everyone but Matt and I) seems a bit ....whatever, sometimes, because we all think that our pain is unique. Because, although we feel that it is, we forget every day that it is not.
Suddenly, there is an eloquent description about pain. All pain, any pain. Your pain, my pain.
Because my explanation, to those who don't understand - will never do our relationship justice and will never make it understandable.
Because *people* saw me glow, people saw me love, people saw me in a way that *I* have never seen myself, never believed that I could be, never even knew that I could be.
But the people who saw me that way were the people who always knew they could see me that way for the simple fact that they could see it within me. That someday I would find it, no matter whether it was a cause, a city or a man. Within myself outside of myself - there are those who believe I am too weak to find anything and those who believe I am too strong to ever get to the end of the learning curve. I don't want your belief. I don't want to think I am paying in this life for another. I don't want to forget this life. I don't want to make a new one with someone else.
Oh, but regardless, never the ones that *I needed* to see. People saw us happy but no one ever truly saw the symbiosis, the rightness, the ease of it. Nothing can make others see me as something other than the person I was 10 years ago and not the person I was 6 months ago or the one that Matt transformed me into.
The person I left here to find - and did.
And while I can fully acknowledge that once upon a time I was sad and lost (and may very well still be so), that I have let people walk all over me, that I never truly believed that I could be loved nor love well in return, it never truly occurred to me that the person I believed I'd been waiting for all of my life would someday walk into my path and that simple act would allow all of what is within me to storm the ramparts and hit like a tornado. That was not part of my plan any more than it was his.
Even worse was then losing him. I'm in pain and although it was he that made the decision, I worry about him. That he was there and instantly in my heart makes it even more difficult to let go. And, no, I'm not 15 years old - I'm an adult with beliefs that you will never shake. That I choose to stick to, even if it means not believing at all. If you choose to see my life and my behaviour as immaturity, I'd suggest you leave now. Or go back to the swings and the monkey-bars for a little while longer.
I'm sorry that they cannot LOOK at me and SEE me. Because maybe they would see something different.
I deserve that chance.
And, lately, you and I know that I have stopped trying to get them to see. Whether that is wisdom, age, maturity or just simple fatigue, I cannot truly say.
Being 'home' for the first time in 9 years puts me in a different position. But in the end I have realized that the reason does not matter. Their reason, my reason, your understanding, my intention.
All that matters now, to the people who truly care for me and that I truly care for, is that the pain exists and it must be shared and respected.
You know this, I know you do - that I am quite happy and do not feel like your support is any less than that of someone who 'knows' me. In fact, it invariably means more - because those of you that comment give me a well-considered point of view. Or, maybe not well-considered but a point of view that comes from your hearts rather than your minds - from a place that knows me only through the true inner workings of myself.
lyric at post:
..I never felt quite the same
Since I lost what I had to gain..
Burning Question of the Day
If this were a novel, instead of my life, what literary term would encompass the definition of: the person who is helping me deal with the breakup of a perfect relationship is the person whom I had that perfect relationship with. And vice versa.Or, is this really all just a dream in the way of nonsensical, confusing dreams?
Am I the dreamer? Or is it you?
Friday, December 24, 2004
First of all I'd like to thank the lord...
...of the flies.er.. Just kidding. But!!!! I Won!
And although I am quite sure it was because Mighty Geek came over and read a few of the terribly sad posts and may not have been able to continue life in good conscience once he knew I was crying over road kill (it was a bunnnnny) I say, "Fuck It!" If the pity card got me something (because I've never won fuck all in my life) then I'm all over that like a fat kid on a smartie.
And he made me laugh. Which made me forget about Matt for just a nanosecond. And that was nice. Especially after the email I got below.
I think I'm taking the paypal cash. I deserve some sort of 'impulse buy with the mad money in the paypal account' action.
...It's 9 am on Christmas Morning, Some Thoughts from Australia
And on that note, I am going to cry a little more, take the cat out for a carry around the yard and then plug in 'The Manchurian Candidate'.
Because, really, what else is there to do in the face of all of this?
oh
This is not shaping up to be a 'good' day. When you pass roadkill and have to pull over to sob brokenly by the side of the road, it's time to go back to bed.Thursday, December 23, 2004
Delaying of the Sharing
Cause (other than the award giving) I am taking the night off. I'll be back to post the emails of what I was blathering on about below, sometime during my next four days off. After having come this far, I guess I can't stop now, can I? Otherwise, how will you know how it ends? That's a little like coitus interruptus I fear, and not within the realm of my ability to inflict.(shh. pretend you care. humor me.)
And while I try to ignore Christmas completely, I wish you and yours a happy whatever, lots of you know what and maybe some of that other stuff.
lyric at post:
..dream warm and hard and true
in pieces, in colors, in a cloud of awkward blue..
The Award
The Award for the "Contest I Would Have Entered Except the Prize is in US Dollars and Sadly, it's Just Not Worth What it Used to Be Compared to our Heathen Canadian Drachma" goes to......Little Presents and Some Humble Pie
Considering that the news of my cancer and Scott's mom dying led to a look on his face that I never want to see on anyone ever again, especially someone I love, it made me feel pretty good this morning to send an email as promised.I've also been asked to rewrite the exam next month and stay.
But if you reread both of thoses posts all the way through, I have to admit that the decision I made about Matt may have been one of those imprudent ones. More on that later (cause I am at work) but suffice it to say for now that our relationship is such that I can email him and tell him I think I made the wrong choice.
And then we can figure out where to go now, together.
You know, even through all the pain and the sadness and the unfairness of this all, I am still amazed and awed and downright flabbergasted at what he and I have been able to do.
I fear that I have been spoiled for the rest of my years by a feral Australian.
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Lately, Sometimes I Wonder..
..if the problem with opening all the doors and windows to let the storm in is that the wind begins to blow so hard, you can't get them shut again.Massacre at Little Big Folly-cul
Every bloody time I move I end up with the nastiest hair cuts. I don't learn. I don't. After the terrible haircut a few weeks ago and this heartwarming experience last week, I looked at my big round end of the egg haircut today and finally, something inside of me went *piiiiiing*.I stopped at an honest to freaking goodness $12 no debit cash only no appointments get in line and wait barber on the way home from work and had him mercilessly sacrifice all the hair on my head. In the gallery pictures where I have bangs? They're dead too. I figure I may as well start growing it back to something I can be happy with from something that doesn't resemble a lawn mown by a five year old. And then 'tweaked' by Godzilla.
I took a picture (my god, I'd forgotten my ears poke out this far without hair to cushion them) but since the computer travelled across provinces it seems to think my camera is video and I just can't get it to work right. ANYWAYS, where last time we were all thinking "Annie Lennox", suffice it to say that today we should all be thinking "Sinead O'Conner".
After all, who the hell have I got to impress and why the fuck should I care?
lyric at post:
..cause everybody wants, every body needs, everybody begs for self esteem
why don’t you get your mind out of the past
cause everybody takes and everybody steals and everybody’s been kicked by other heels..
Word o' the Day
tenterhooks : in a state of uneasiness, strain, or suspensestrain??
Whatever. Imagine me in a sentence. Suspensening. Uneasinessing. But not really straining.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
There's Nothing Finer Then Your Very Own BatBlogger
You remind me of the things that I have forgotten I already know.You push me just enough so that, in the end, it feels like I've gotten there all on my own.
You help me to move ahead but understand enough to lend a hand when I need to hold on just a little bit longer.
You find a way to see what I see and make it all okay.
I know that I am in your heart and that knowledge sometimes lends me the last little bit of strength that I need.
You make me believe that there truly is an unlocked door waiting for me to stand in front of it.
You know the song that is deep inside of me and when I can't remember how it goes, you stop everything so that you can hum it back to me.
Thank you.
Almost Final
This is what I had in mind. But I have a little tweaking to do still in the next couple days. Archives were destroying the place so I have to figure that out and I hate not using all the space on the page - I think I gots to get a little WIDER. But, these two templates took me 6 hours and that help to fill my day quite nicely.And yes, that is Matt and I in the hot tub on the island at the beginning of the month. And why would I put a picture of the thing that is causing me pain, you ask, right on the front page of my site?
It makes me laugh every time, if I were more attractive in it, I'd say it's a perfect 'Beauty and the Beast' cause who knows what the hell he was doing with his face. *shiver*
Anyways, it's a reminder to myself for when I start feeling like I'm angry with him. That's not something I ever want but it's such an easy thing to fall into.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, will be the ugliest picture you will ever see of me (and of up my nose).
Monday, December 20, 2004
My Eyes!
Patience please. Learning to create transparencies.Many thanks, stopping by, please to come back later.
The Soapbox Gets a Bit Slippy in the Rain
I've been hauling around a couple of magazines since June/July for inclusion in some way in here. Then, of course, too many things happened. In an effort to finally get it done and throw the unneeded paper out.....I'll stay off my soapbox for this but I'm pretty sure you're going to get my point. It's not a very subtle one.
In May/June the Canadian Geographic ran a story called Cougar Attack. The one in the actual magazine is quite a bit longer than the one online but you'll get the point. For reference, the *village* of Port Alice, BC contains just over 1100 people and is located in the box containing the words 'Port Hardy'. This is Northern Vancouver Island, I worked in that area tracking bears and seriously? There's nothing up there but the fucking forest. The part I take offense to is the subtitle which reads, Cougars have been stalking humans in unprecedented numbers in British Columbia. The article of course then goes on to say that in BC there have been 63 attacks in the last 100 years. OHMYGOD, they're going to kill us all! Quick! Get the napalm!
er..sorry...
Anyhow, the next issue contained some interesting letters to the editor. I thought the first one was quite intelligent, especially this part...
The next month's letters (under 'Reality Check' a little farther down the page) indicated that other people thought this man was pretty damn smart too. Here.
During the time I was up there we saw three or four cougars and it is one of my favorite memories. There was one adolescent cougar, who's mother had been killed, hanging around the logging camp we lived in and one of the loggers shot it before turning it over to our biologist. I've got pictures of it but unfortunately no scanner. I can understand the reasoning behind this - the baby wouldn't survive anyway without hunting skills but to this day, 11 years later, the thought of it saddens me. They are breathtaking animals. Proud and graceful. Awe inspiring. And they deserve to be left alone on their own land to survive the best they can because all their problems and the increased number of attacks stem from one thing. Mankind. And it's arrogance and ignorance.
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Class is in Session
The internet-in-my-house tanked today. Took me five hours to get it back online. I think I almost tipped over the knife edge to gibbering nutbar, if only for the simple fact that I don't think I can take one.more.thing going wrong. The simplest things reduce me to tears - although I have progressed from hiccuping and sobbing for hours at a time to short and quiet explosions at the drop of a hat. Combine that with a profound craving for a smoke (I should have kept my mouth shut yesterday) and the pain in the side of my neck I thought was a pulled muscle and isn't - well, it's a wonder I'm upright at all.I don't have a fever or a sore throat but I have two marble sized and marble hard lumps, one on each side just forward of the corner of my jaw. (did that make sense?) The nice doctor man said it's viral so I should be okay in a few days but that I should stay home from work. I panicked - work is busy and it's the only 8 hour period I know I'm not going to cry on any given day (not to mention the $200 LittleMissUnpaidBillsPiledUpToMyCrotch loses in pay every day). But since I work in a hospital we have to make sure it really is viral and so I wrangled him down to one day.
Being home doesn't loom quite as large when I have the internet so everyone get in there and post post post so I have something to do tomorrow. Or I may have to start going rummaging through your blogrolls and that might make both of us feel a bit dirty.
Of course, I did a little thinking on the layout so I may work on that.
I've mentioned in bits about stupid things that people have said to me the last week (yes, it *has* only been a week, shuuut up) and I know you're dying to see the whole list.
Now, I know it's hard to know what to say to someone who's having a traumatic event...
although I am officially pointing out here that between the munchkin and the Matt and knowing in advance what was coming (which I think makes it a much longer process) I have been crying and mourning in some way now for an entire year - except for August - and you have all done a wonderful job of putting up with me and pushing me backwards every time I start to overbalance and tip over aforementioned knife edge - let's hope that next year doesn't bring me any more of this SHIT. Cause frankly, I may be more tired of it than everyone else mashed together.
ahem...
Now, it is hard to know what to say. I've been in that position myself and sadly I admit that until I learned what to do I mostly ignored whatever it was and moved the conversation along. I have learned that however callous that may sound it indicates discomfort rather than imbecility and I am not defending myself here, looking at it from this side of the fence, it really is preferable to hear nothing at all. Especially next to these few things....(my interjections in italics)
--spoken in a whisper "You're not going to kill yourself are you?" Oh for fuck sakes, I'm not FOURTEEN.
--"Can't you just pretend that he's coming back in June like that tea leaf reader said? Then this would be a whole lot easier on you." ohhhh, deliberately deluding myself. the question here is - would I know I was lying? could I continue to delude myself past June? That way I could put off the discomfort for YEARS, maybe even drag it out right to the end of my then even more miserable existence, waiting.....
--"WAHOO, now you can go out and party!!" I mentioned this one before and it's just so fucking terrible on so many levels I can't even comment on it.
--"So, you gonna survive?" and if I said no? see #1
--"Wasn't he a bit young for you anyways?" I'm not touching that one.
endless variations of...--Asshole, Jerk, Dick. Which again, indicates only that not one of those people 'got' it.
--"It's good he's gone now cause in six or seven years he would have dumped you for someone younger and you would have wasted your life." That gem came from my mother. Getting the feeling she's still a bit bitter after 21 years? But, hey, thanks mom.
--"Now you can date the car pool guy!" I'm sorry, he's very nice and kinda cute but that's like rebounding from belgian chocolate to.... dirt. And could you have waited more than 48 hours before pulling that one out?
--Everything happens for a reason. *sigh* maybe the entire reason I met Matt was so he could give me a car I didn't have to pay for right away. That makes it all better.
--oh, and this one was actually just a recommended course of action... "Well, if she says something that stupid to you again then you should tell her just to fuck off and pop another pill." I'm flabbergasted at how mature that one was.
I no longer speak to people about it. I can't. It seems impossible to make them understand that this was a choice we made, that I love him but that sometimes that means doing the last thing you want to do. That I'm not angry. In fact, I'm afraid that eventually I will *become* angry with him and that will completely erase the way I've tried to handle this with him, and for myself. That I'm a big girl and I know it'll be alright but I need some time to mourn. And maybe they should leave me alone to do that. That their bad choices aren't my problem. That I'm not them.
Apart from the comments from all of you, Tony:Calgary and Philly (plus two of the people I work with) are the only people who helped. The work people in a way I can't describe - by validating me I guess. T&P by simply saying, "I wish you were here. I miss you and I would like to give you a hug. I'm so sorry and I wish there were something I could do to make you feel a little better."
So, there you have it kids. What's the best thing to do in a traumatic event? Exactly that.
And why am I telling you this? I'm not sure because that's what you all did.
And for that, I thank you. It means an awful lot to me.
lyric from a charming little ditty Matt used to chant, which I can't get out of my head:
..yo momma says you ugly,YOU UGLY!
U-G-L-Y you aint got no alibi you ugly!..
