Saturday, March 05, 2005
Old Friends
Tonight, I went out to see my best friend. We always have tons to talk about and tonight I took the atlas with me to trace my path for her - she's only ever been to Las Vegas (for her wedding) and to Mexico (three weeks ago).Inevitably, we talk about high school and what has happened to Mike, Sharon, and Russ.
One of the waitresses in the bar that we met in - Tia.
When I was fifteen, there was an aunt, Annie, she was a prostitute and she kept having kids - one of them, 20 years ago, I carried around in a basement - children-loathing Jen, cradling and walking walking walking this crack addicted baby, trying desperately and endlessly to quiet her..
Tonight I got to meet the woman she's become. The woman she's become despite her family.
Matt told me that he would always have this bad idea of natives here because of me and although a part of me can admit that I am wrong in giving him that impression, there is an equal part of me that screams this bad idea is the only idea he should have. They were terrible. They did terrible things to children, to the children that my friends were, my boyfriends were, that I was, that all of us were.
I think, yes, I agree that what our ancestors did to them was wrong and terrible and that there is no way to make those things just. I also know that we have never ever tried to help them overcome it.
I know this because I lived it. Russ was the boy I gave my virginity to. Sharon was my best friend. Her mother, Pat, was the woman who took the place of my own weak alcoholic mother. Mike was... Mike.
There is just ...so... many things that I can't tell you, that I can't say. I can only hope that some of those children will survive. Survive to carry on a life that is different from the one they survived.
I think that I have survived and surpassed what they have shown me. I think that I have survived and surpassed what my own family taught me. We will, in most cases, survive what those we love and trust teach us,because in so many cases, what they teach us is destructive and poisonous. If you are someone who has known different - you are more blessed than we could ever possibly tell you, or show you.
Mike has only ever dated women named Jennifer, and tonight, eighteen years later, that is how this beautiful girl knows me, "You are Jennifer number two." she says, "I've heard about you."
But what she hasn't heard is all of those hopes and dreams we held for her. That we hoped she could bypass the family / cultural / childhood curse. It seems that she has. I thank 'god' for that.
I stopped on the way home, to see the wife of this man. She's been weak but she was always someone I loved, no matter what.
Her own daughter, best friend to Belinda and I both, denied her own need for help and then underestimated her own control over us and in the process, destroyed relationships more important than hers could ever be. I will try to repair the most important ones before I leave here but let's suffice it to say, at 35, mature in ways I never thought I would ever be - if I ever see her in person - I will approach her, punch her in the face and then walk away. That may solve nothing at all but it will, by god, make me feel a little better compared to passively allowing her to destroy the most cherished realationship in my life.
I no longer care about "issues". We are old enough to have dealt with them. There are no valid excuses. Grow up. Look at yourself. Take responsibility. If, at this age, we haven't and they have hurt others, then we deserve that kick in the teeth.
In fact, I may actually just look her up for the simple pleasure of kicking her in the fucking teeth. I have always believed that justice comes to all of us - in this case, I may help it along.
Driving into my driveway, only a mile or so from where I grew up - I turn the key and step out of the car .... rendered speechless by the sheer amount of stars in the sky above me. Stars without city lights to dim them. Stars that are the only entity to witness this fear and this relief inside of me. Stars that, a year and a world away, will be witness to someone I have always strived to be.
Those stars, a million miles away. And you, if you choose to be here.
Budgetary Advantages of Street Cat Adoption
For those of you who may have not known this, my 'rescued' cat is polydactl - he has thumbs... the pictures don't really show how proportional they are to his hand/paw but trust me when I say, he has working thumbs on his hands.
As creepy as that can sometimes be it is also seriously cute and amusing. Added into his psychotic need for food, any kind of food, based, I think, on his time on the streets where you took what you could get - he eats some weird shit.
Last night I had pasta and basil pesto for dinner. Judging by his (rare) lunge onto the table I think he would have armwrestled me for the bowl. Since I'm all noodly and weak I figured there'd be no point in even making an effort to beat him. He completely cleaned the bowl, even the pasta.
Later, as a snack I had pita and hummous and he sat beside the couch looking for all the world like he was deeply considering punching me out and grabbing the plate.
Yup, he ate that too.
Just what I like in a pet - cheap to feed and helps with the dishes too.
I think it's time for lunch.
lyric at post:
..I believe the love you talk about with me
is it true, do I care
honestly, you can try to wipe the memories aside
but it's you that you erase..
Indication of a Lost Mind
Amber may be the only one who 'gets this' but that last episode of Lost and this part....Out of all the pissant towns in Australia, they pick the one where Matt's brother lives.
I tell ya, even things that aren't real - are somehow Matt's fault.
Friday, March 04, 2005
Early Morning Aborted Smart-Assiness
The first item on the radio news this morning was a report that the fastest growing snack food in Canada is fruit. I immediately thought I'd post that little tidbit with some outraged smartass comment like, "What is the world coming to?...But...
The next story was about the four RCMP officers that were found dead in Mayerthorpe, Alberta today, a town of 1,570 people.
For those of you who can't be bothered to read the story, they died staking out a marijuana grow-op.
They died. Over pot. In the first country where the government supplies medicinal pot and you can't walk down the street in Victoria or Vancouver without passing some yobbo sparking up a doob (my apologies if that terminology dates me).
I would have normally thought, "what sort of fucking idiot would kill FOUR policeman instead of just giving up and take his YEAR OR SO IN JAIL for the pot?" but it seems the fucking idiot was dead too. I'm not sure my question isn't still valid though- since he obviously died last, although I'm sure that he'll turn out to be some guy with some issues requiring supervision and medication that was removed from his care facility by the health cuts imposed by that self-same government / country.
Things like this may be old hat in the countries that some of you live in, but here it was termed in the article noted above that....The four officers had been staking out a marijuana grow operation on the property when they were killed in what has been termed the worst massacre to strike the service since the Northwest Rebellion of 1885.
You'll forgive me, I'm sure, for the need to repeat the pertinent information there....FOUR policemen .... the worst massacre to strike the Royal Canadian Mounted Police service since the Northwest Rebellion of 1885. For those of you shaky on the math like myself - that is 120 years ago and for those of you shaky on Canada's history (ie: 99.99% of the world's population, including Canada) the Northwest Rebellion is the only war to be fought entirely with Canadian troops.
And so, the whole silly, "What is the world coming to?" gag didn't seem so funny anymore.
It's blindingly obvious what this world is coming to.
I guess it brings me again to the question that I ask myself occasionally - do we care? If we care and we know that we're in the minority, what can we do? If all we can do is try to be good global citizens who are mindful of their effect on the planet, is what we can do individually ever going to be enough?
Thursday, March 03, 2005
My Secret Uncle
It's difficult to admit something like this. It's even more heart-wrenching to admit it on the internet for all the world to see. I feel, though, that it must be done. My heart cries out for the secret to end.I listen to Uncle Kracker. In fact, pulling into the driveway tonight, I realized how loud it actually was when (over the noise of the idling diesel truck) every single person in the yard stopped what they were doing so they could watch me drive up with their mouths open as Mr. Matt Shafer screamed....
If Heaven ain't alot like Dee-troit
I don't wanna go
If Heaven ain't alot like Dee-troit
I'd just as soon stay home
If they ain't got no Eight Mile
Like they do up in the D
Just send me to Hell or Salt Lake City
It'd be about the same to me
Admittedly, it's been about four years since I listened to it and I bought it in the first place because I was dating a married guy and the most popular song on the planet that is North America at the time was Follow Me. A total sappy ballad.
(and, before someone starts to get all **MARRIED!**, there was never any sex involved and it won't be a story I'll ever tell except to say that he was a cutie kinda chubbly guy - much like Uncle Kracker himself - and I have this insane weakness for the cutie kinda chubbly guys. oh and his picture is somewhere in the gallery. ha.)
Anyways, I ended up liking the rest of the album quite a bit. And the reason I'm telling you this dirty secret?
I'm so glad you asked.
After a long day like today when I'm seriously glad that I'm leaving here and tired enough for the little voice in the back of my head to gain a handhold and start yelling, "What IF? Whatifwhatifwhatif?" at a million different scenarios, I find that things just happen and give me a little perspective....
In the beginning he was Kid Rock's DJ or something and this album (Double Wide) was his first album 'on his own'. At the beginning of the CD there's this little blurb in which he and Kid Rock are sitting on a train (in Detroit presumably) and as Kid Rock goes to get off (the train, presumably), part of the conversation goes like this....
UK - "What if I don't make it?"
Kid - "That's impossible."
UK - "But, what IF?"
Kid - "Fuck WHAT and tell IF to suck my dick."
And that, my children, may be the most intelligent thing I've ever heard come out of Kid Rock's mouth.
lyric at post:
..and I know I'll see better days
well I know you'll see things my way..
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
I Can See I'm Going To Have To Get
All 'Facts & Figuresy' On Your Ass
In the last two weeks, three people have told me I may be underestimating the size of Australia while working out my travelling plans (actually three and a half, I cut the last one off before they could finish).I love you guys. I do. Really.
But ...
The next person who says that to me will be drawn and quartered. Then I may just pee on you and your wounds to further express my displeasure.
Australia is 7,686,850 sq km. Canada is 9,984,670 square km. This makes *us* smaller than only Russia. Australia is sixth on the list. For those of you who get all googly-eyed at big numbers, that's 7.7 million sq km compared to 10 million sq km (rounding up for both).
Sorry boys, you started the whole size does matter thing.
Australia has three time zones. Canada has six.
Canada has 32.5 million souls. Australia has 19.9 million.
The Trans-Canada Highway between Victoria (where I am), BC and St. John's, NF is the world's longest national highway with a length of 7,821 km (4,860 mi.). I couldn't find a 'width' on Australia, probably because I was googling 'width of Australia'. ha. But it doesn't really matter because we already know, because I already told you, that Canada already has the longest national highway.
Canada has the longest coastline of any country on the planet (and probably the least defended but I haven't looked that up). The coastline runs for 202,080 km. No one seems to be able to agree on Australia's but the average consensus seems to be 132,000 km. Although, The World Factbook says 25,760 km. Again, it doesn't really matter because by all accounts, it's shorter than Canada's.
Someone, somewhere that I read in my research travels today said that you could theoretically drive Australia's coastline in 24 days travelling at 60 km an hour. I'm giving myself 6 or 7 months.
But, what's really my point? I'm not trying to get all, "Canada's bigger, I win, nyah nyah." I'm trying to tell you that I believe that I am quite fully and completely aware of the sheer size of Australia. Because I've lived and travelled in a country larger than it for 35 years. I think that maybe one or two of the aforementioned people may not have fully realized the sheer size of Canada.
Now, shut the hell up, eh?
lyric at post:
..those little red panties they pass the test
slide up around the belly face down on the mattress
one, and you hold me
and we are broken..
Smiling Through The Pain In My Poor Widdle Arm
Since I'm all ashamed about whining about my arm (er..not), I will tell you the three things that made my day yesterday.#1. The very first blood-taker-sucker-with-that-bloody-great-needle-thingy lady, EVER, who actually just did it without quibbling or insisting they 'give the left one a try' when I said, "Can you please use my right arm for this?" In fact, she even said the one in my right arm was pretty teeny so she'd hate to see the leftie.
(sidenote: that linked-to post up there, wow, was it ever freaking happy-like, take note: those of you who have only ever known me all stressed out and nasty - and truer than I knew it was going to be)
I was getting a shot today, so why was I giving blood?
Why, I'm so glad you asked.
One of the other 'free' shots they give at my work is MMR (measles, mumps, rubella).
For those of you not completely immersed in infectious diseases like I've been the last couple of days - measles in adults can include diarrhea, ear infections, pneumonia, encephalitis, seizures, and death. Mumps - just encephalitis and meningitis. Rubella - I don't much care about this one myself but anyone I gave it to in their first three months of pregnancy carries an 80% chance of mental retardation or death of the child. Now, that wouldn't make me a very nice friend would it?
So I asked my friendly health nurse-lady - we've been through a lot in the last three months, TB tests, tetanus shots, flu shots - if I should be getting boosters or something since I'd never been vaccinated against them in school (I had whatever that thing that leaves the scar on your arm is and I remember a sugar cube with shit on it in my teens - polio?). She asked if my mom would remember and when I sort of hesitated she just handed me outpatient labwork forms (it's so convenient when you work at a hospital) without saying anything else. So they test my blood to see if I need them, instead.
I mean, really, would you trust your life to a lab or someone who thought the man you loved looked like Josh Groban?
There's love and loyalty for the woman who gave birth to you, sure, but next to seizures and death? I mean, c'mon people.
#2.The lovely way this rolled off my tongue when I read it in an email..... "She's a fucking hag of a whore bag."
Now, stop, say that out loud and just take a moment to appreciate the sheer poetry there.
It was seconded only by... " Did I mention that **** ****** is a slug and I just squished her on the bottom of my shoe? Sorry 'bout that."
God love you, woman, cause the rest of us can't do it enough.
And #3.This line, in yet another email...."I got a silver 4 band puzzle ring delivered this AM for you."
There's a story behind this that I'm not going to tell today.
But, so as not to leave ya hangin' - I know that these can be bought in North America but somehow, my first, and now my second one, mean so much more when they come directly from the Middle-East.
...originating in the Middle-East many centuries ago the predecessors of these rings were given as wedding bands by the sheiks, chieftains and other men of high positions.
If their wives ever removed the rings, the bands would fall apart. The women were not told how to reassemble the rings. Thus, the husbands would know or suspect that their wives were not being faithful to their solemn marriage vows.
...whereupon, it was perfectly well and good and just to kill the wife.
Not a happy concept and, for all I know, just a story that's infiltrated the entire planet... but a very happy piece of news all the same.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
bloggah
...pisses me off when it publishes something I last saved as a draft because it's having some sort of hiccup and takes an hour to not really do what it's supposed towe shall resume normal service when *i* damn well want to publish the next post, not blogger
carry on
On Second Thought
You may have been jealous at that last post - just for a second. But - if you are STILL feeling a tinge of greeness, then let me say this....I neglected to mention that not only do needles scare the shit out of me, that these shots invariably make me as sick as it is possible to get and although at least the tetanus / diptheria shot is out of the way - over the next 12 months I will also be vaccinated (in varying degrees and numbers of shots and some with pills over many different time periods) against malaria, yellow fever, rabies, hep A, typhoid, Japanese Encephalitis, polio and measles.
And then I get to read about all of the eight or ten deathly and nasty diseases that can be caused by a single mosquito bite but for which vaccinations do not exist.
All things of which I will be a target for because I'm travelling around the 'locals' for long periods of time, into areas that are off the 'beaten track'.
Doesn't sound like so much fun NOW, does it?
Bang, Bang
I'm getting the first in the series of Hep B shots today.The shitty thing is - they're paid for by work. Why is this shitty, you ask? Cause I'm cheap and still sort of broke, I'll have to do the two seperate Hep A shots at a different time, when normally they just give 'em both to you. I also have yellow fever to look forward to.
Ecuador, it's a bitch.
So, consider this the official heads up - later on, I'll be sick.
I'll bet you're still jealous though.
lyric at post:
..and no one is watching me slide
below street level
barely alive..
Monday, February 28, 2005
Monday Bumper Sticker #8
**I think some of the people here are dead**
lyric at post:
..I'm the one for you 'cause I know all the dirty things you like to do
I'm the fear in your eyes
I'm the fire in your flies..
Sunday, February 27, 2005
An Oscar Moment
Brought To You By MaJen
I'm sort of ignoring the Oscars - reading, finding a bumper sticker for the Monday post, cleaning the toilet, you know, important and pressing things - and I hear one of the weinies, Poof Daddy, say something about the next song being sung by Josh Groban. MaJen only met Matt twice and there's some dim memory of her saying that he reminded her of Josh Groban. I figure I may as well get up from the computer and walk the foot and a half around to the TV and take a look, since I have no freaking idea who Josh Groban is. While I'm standing there, thinking, "yeaaaaaah, no, not really", the phone rings.
Yup, it's MaJen.
"Are you watching the Oscars?
I say, "Yeah, Mom, Matt doesn't look like Josh Groban."
"Yes, he does."
"I don't think so Mom, but that could be cause you didn't spend five months staring at him."
"Jennifer,"she says, "I'm sitting here looking at the wall beside my head where there's a picture of Matt, looking at it I say, not a foot in front of my face, and Matt looks just like him."
My mom, hey? loyal to the bitter end. Actually, she's being loyal to me and keeping the picture there because I loved him. And that's all part of MaJen's cuteness, I think.
But, the only possible resemblance between those two, other than possibly their age, is the sharp little nose.
I'm Sure I Have More Productive Things To Do
The route map. Major cities only - in Australia, New Zealand and the UK, I'll be more places than listed. All at once. Cause I'm a superhero.Erm, the proposed route map. Knowing my luck, Southern New Zealand will sink in September. Or move. Then a volcano will de-rain Ecuador's rainforest. So, as much as I'd like this to be final (with maybe Lhasa, Tibet in there too), I'm sure it won't be.
Vancouver, BC, Canada
Raleigh/Durham, North Carolina, USA
London, UK
Cairns, Queensland, AU
Brisbane, Queensland, AU
Sydney, NSW, AU
Wellington, NZ
Nelson, NZ
Invercargill, NZ
Dunedin, NZ
Christchurch, NZ
Canberra, NSW, AU
Melbourne, VIC, AU
Adelaide, SA, AU
Perth, WA, AU
Denpasar, Bali
Singaraja, Northern Bali
London, UK
Glasgow, Scotland
Dublin, Ireland
Quito, Ecuador
Loja, Equador
Vancouver, BC, Canada.
The only thing that concerns me there is that, since I'm not too arsed about returning to North America, then I'll end up in Ecuador, or not get there at all. Oh well, the best-laid plans and all that rubbish. Gotta have goals, etc etc.
