Saturday, April 17, 2004
Why do this?
why indeed. Number two in the best whatthefuck post of the month, cause I'm not here but that doesn't mean I don't think these people ROCK (or just explain things better than me).Thursday, April 15, 2004
away message
This is her fridge speaking. If you would like to leave a message, please speak slowly so I can write it on a post-it note and stick it to myself. Alternatively, feel free to use the fridge poetry magnets to get your point across.
Please remember to close my door on your way out so the mad cow does not escape and the vegetables can open the whipped cream and fool around with the lights out, they are a bit shy. Thank you.
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
You're sad. No, YOU'RE sad. No, YOU are. My dad could kick your dad's ASS. Oh, YEAH?
OR: Oh, right, *I'M* sad. A Weaker Moment. Or ten.So, I'm crying my way through 'Open Range' just because, seriously, I will cry through a 30 second commercial or the cartoon of "Finding Nemo" but the news has no effect on me, nor do I tend to cry much when people pass away, nor did I ever actually cry when I was sick - at least not until Tony:there got mad at me. There was a Travis Tritt set of videos once that.... okay, nuff said there.....
Anyways, I'm all huddled up in my favorite chair (cause I still cannot go near the couch) and when someone shot the dog (spoiler, oops, sorry), I thought of this and then suddenly, I could feel that paw on my face.
I've said (repeatedly) that I'm not a morning person. I never have in my life woken up involuntarily or spontaneously before my alarm clock goes off (for about 20 minutes). Except since I've been back from the Island. And I couldn't, for the life of me understand why; until one morning, lying there, it struck me. Half an hour to forty-five minutes before the alarm clock went off is when Herself used to wake up and use her little stool to get back on the bed and relax into my shoulder to snore gently with me before I got up to go to work. And, even though the last couple of weeks I've been resolutely thinking about this as little as possible, my body still remembers what it's done for 12 years and it's telling me that it's all ready, but what is going on? Because my body remembers. It's like waking up with a knife in my heart every morning.
I know this sounds stupid. And probably pretty pathetic to those of you who've never lived for 12 years with a big fuzzy cuddly dog who was in love with you and vice versa. I just don't know how to describe it. You would just have to live it, I guess. And I apologize for that. I say apologize because you just don't know what you've missed. And I don't mean people together that have a dog, I mean people who have only a dog (or a cat, or a budgie, or a ferret, or.....). People together who love their pets have each other when that pet is gone, and, because of choices of my own, I just don't have that to distract me or comfort me. There's just me. And empty spaces. And no-longer-existing daily rituals. Non-existent daily love and big kisses. It's just all space.
I've been avoiding thoughts of the dog, at all, if possible. I'm working on the theory that if I don't let myself WALLOW in it, then eventually it will be easier to sit and smile and remember all the things I loved about her. Instead of how big a space she's left in my day-to-day routine, instead of thinking about those last horrifying moments and the look on her face, instead of being a honking big snot machine, instead of being a downer cause I've frankly been too much of that for *months*. YJ put forth the thought that I should wallow (not his words) but it's pointless, I think. I did enough crying while she was here and I was trying to make the decision and now, I just need to take time and pretend the last 12 years didn't happen, until I can stop being such a big weinie. Cause I'm not a beeg weinie all the time, but it doesn't just *go away* and you just don't *get over it*. To coin an eschie phrase.... Yanno?
I've always been a big believer in the "if you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?" thing (although, in hindsight, I should not have said that to ex-boyfriend down there in 100 things about three days before he shot himself) and I certainly don't feel like I'm dying. Nor would I want to. And seriously, that would be just fucking stupid. Honestly, it's just that the adjustment period SUCKS.
But, I can, and I will, get through it.
Even if I have to go away every weekend for the next six months. Even if I have a hundred wonderful friends that I don't want to see, even if I am happy and content, even if I love my job, even if I love my boss, even if I make enough money, even if my life is full and happy and fucking absolutely wonderful. I just need some time.
Final note: I don't care about your Valentine's Day cards, or your Easter cards or any other DAY cards. You left. You owe me an apology. At the very least - you've read about this pain for months because I see you come here every day or every week and the fact that you haven't had one thing to say about it......exactly. I can't stop you from coming here, but people who are here - who know me or think they know me - I don't feel have a right to be a part of this life if they aren't a part of my REAL life. The choice is up to you. All of you. Because this place is FOR me and, in true blogger style, ABOUT me. Call it egotistical if you will but ..as someone else said once...
edited for clarity Because of site-tracking, I can see you. And, yeah, it's the internet....I chose this, I'll get over it. I chose to do this. But grow some balls or fuck right off. There are plenty of other people who are more interesting than I, who don't wonder occasionally what they did wrong or why you don't email or why you don't call. I'd be happy to give you links. Cause life is about honesty. And I do my best to be honest here, I think it's not so unfair that I expect that from you and the others that come here who know me. And if you can't be honest, go away. I'm not angry, I just don't believe in it. Think about that for a second....... it's just not important enough for me to be upset about, but I've been avoiding saying anything here for the simple fact that I know you come here. Which kind of screws with the whole point of the blog.
Because that's a bit rambly, what I'm trying to say here is this.....if you were part of my life, non-internet, but no longer are, then I find it annoying and strange that you come here and follow my internet life. If you're that interested, make an effort to actually be part of my real life, or just go away.
I'm taking some time off, until I'm in Edmonton or after...PB, feel free to be obnoxiously happy here.
entire bits of lyric at post:
..when it rains it pours and opens doors that floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
and in the midst of sailing ships, we sink our lips into the ones we love that have to say goodbye,
and as I float along this ocean, I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go
every sunset that we missed, I wrap them all up in a kiss
and while I float upon this ocean, I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave..
My eyes, my eeeeeeeeyes
My eyes got better. Well, only a little. But they both did! Yay.I've been having issues with dry eyes, since, well, since I moved to this dry dry place and I absolutely refuse to use eye drops. Don't ask me why. I don't know. Uncoordinated, discombobulated, prone to poking myself in the eye, maybe?
My optometrist may be free but he's too old to recommend much in the dry eye area. Except laser surgery...... NO! ICK! Someone near my eye with a cutting instrument? Are you mad? He says it only goes 'bad' once in every 5,000 surgeries but since he obviously has no idea about my ...luck... then NO! GROSS! *shudder* And what about staying awake and keeping your eye OPEN? gahhhhhh. It's a little too 'Clockwork Orange' for me, thanks.
I did get a new kind of disposable to try out on the weekend that may be a little more er...moist. And I always thought that base curve was something set in stone but lo, I found out today that base curve is not consistent across contact lens makers (ie: you say 8.4 but *I* want to be different so I'm saying 8.3, so there). Which means I can wear any base curve from 8.3 to 8.7 (instead of only 8.4 like I've thought for 8 years). Which means that instead of a choice between brown and green if I want colored ones, I can now get violet, hazel, gray, pink and freaking BLACK if I want to (and if they made them). I always wanted to have gray eyes. I very 'cited about it.
Giving the condo to Riz again this weekend while I'm off whooping it up in Edmonton. Which means I have to sort of clean. Which means I shouldn't be here.
So, I'm going.
o, just noticed the TV. Some movie called 'No Way Out' from 2002. James Belushi (whom I heart) and Jason Bateman, who, suddenly looks like a man. A good looking man. A cute man. Even with facial hair.
Must go watch TV. Will vaccuum later.
edit: okay, just in TV mode now, ran right dowwwwwwn. 'Open Range' is up next. As freaked out as I am by contemplating watching Kevin Costner after that dream on the weekend, I can no longer get out of my chair.
lyric at post:
..I am everything you want, I am everything you need,
I am everything inside of you, that you wish you could be..
Hop on the bus, Gus / You don't need to discuss much
Call me strange, but after a couple weeks of really nice weather, I sort of like waking up to snow. 10 cm by lunch. Of course, I may not be so happy about it when I have to walk to the optometrist's.For those of you who don't follow NHL hockey (like the screaming rabid fans in the office) our team (The Calgary Flames) is in the playoffs. Living downtown, I don't need to listen to the news since when there's a win, every single person who drives by after the game, HONKS THEIR HORN CONTINUOUSLY.
me: "So, after last weekend without the dog, I thought it might be a good idea to get out of the house for this one. What're you doing?"
he: "Entertaining you."
So, I'll be slinging my butt on that 'ol luxury Red Arrow bus on Friday and hitting the road to go to stinky old Edmonton to see Rob's new condo and check up on him.
Rob and I have been close friends since we met in September 1989 (a week after I put my last dog, Josephine, to sleep), part of the whole 'Fatboys' group I've mentioned before - although the rest of them are getting steadily fatter and he's getting steadily thinner since he's got some weird disease (I'm convinced it's a Gulf War thing, but I'm just paranoid).
Rob is a fabulous cook and I'm sure he'll drag me down to Bourbon St in West Edmonton Mall (the world's largest mall and largest parking lot, how nice) so I shall be well-taken care of, nay, pampered.
And, a bit relieved that I'm not facing another weekend here, alone. I need more time and distance on that until I get a little more used to it.
The last time I was in Edmonton was April 2002, there's a pic in the gallery. Oh, maybe Saturday, I'll see if we can go either to Jasper or the Muttart Conservatory.
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
linoleum causes cancer
OR: I have to pick a 'quit day' for next weekAs jadedju put it so succintly the other day....
then I have nothing to post about here.
Not that I'm complaining.
I didn't actually take that many pics out on the west coast but I did pick up one roll today so as soon as I get around to the other one, I'll throw them up here somewhere. I'd post them as I go, but today's was also the roll of film from Lacey's last day and I'm not going there for a while.
Have to go phone Wade as there's a scheduling issue on the weekend of the first so I need to see what they're doing.
I found my optometrist, seeing him tomorrow.
I think I put an unripe banana in my smoothie, that could be something bad. I'll let you know.
Someone held my hand at work today as they asked how I was doing. It was weird, but in a nice way.
The burning question of the day - in eight hours I ate half a bag of carrots, had three cups of coffee, drank five glasses of water, ate noodles, had a king size chocolate bar and a couple sprigs of grapes, some almonds and some pumpkin seeds. I weigh exactly the same as I did this morning. How is that possible?
That's all I got.
lyric at post:
..and the stranger will find
that we're really not strangers at all..
Monday, April 12, 2004
I lied. So, sue me.
Here it is. One hundred things about me I have not previously said on the blog (jen,also - I borrowed three or four of yours).1. I play solitaire a lot. The old way, with real cards. I find that the more balanced my state of mind, the more often I 'win'.
2. I brush my teeth in the shower, not in the sink.
3. 98% of my best friends are men. There are good reasons for this.
4. When I drink too much, I am a flirty and over-confident drunk.
5. I cry - against my will - when I'm really angry.
6. During the two years I golfed, I had a 7 handicap. One day, for many reasons, I refused to play any longer. Since then, in ten years, I played only once, to raise money for breast cancer. But I switched and played right-handed instead of left.
7. I tend to procrastinate under the belief that I function better under pressure.
8. I'm not afraid of dying, but I am absolutely terrified of getting old.
9. I will do everything in my power to keep the promises I make.
10. After 12 years, I am eating alone and my dinner plates are no longer cleaned of food particles after dinner. Although sometimes it was annoying, it was never a burden and the lack of having to share will never be a relief.
11. No one believes I can cook. But I can and I do it well.
12. If I could be anything else, I would be a dolphin.
13. I used to cross-stitch, but I don't anymore. I noticed last week my brother has one I made for him in 1987 in his study.
14. I am at my happiest with a good book and will read all night to finish the really good ones, even if it's a 'school night'.
15. I like to drive long distances alone but I no longer like to drive short distances.
16. My favorite thing about flying is take-off.
17. I've always hated being a Jennifer. I would rather be an Alex. Once, for a while, because of a job, I was.
18. I used to become very attached to people. I no longer do.
19. But there are some people I will miss getting to know better. Always.
20. The decorations in my house are not particulary serious or grown up. There is a 6 foot blow up alligator named Angus who normally lives under the bed. Right now, he has a hole and I need to fill the bathtub up to fix it, but I always forget.
21. I used to think, being alone, that I needed a career. Now, I'm happy with 'just a job'.
22. I've always wanted to live in a treehouse.
23. I wrote a lot of bad poems as a teenager. You will never see them.
24. I did, however, send one or two a week overseas to my friend Rob when he was in the Gulf War. He still has them all.
25. One, about smoking, is used by the Canadian Military in their stop smoking program. I wrote it when I was 16. It embarrases me.
26. The best gift I ever had was a birthday gift in the early 90's, when my friend Todd took one of those poems from Rob and wrote music for it, then played it for me on his guitar.
27. I believe in alternative medicine. I wish our health care system did too.
28. I believe that music is one of the most important things on the planet.
29. I believe in faeries.
30. I used to want to be a vampire so that I would never grow old.
31. My second toe is longer than my big toe.
32. The only record I still own is a 45 of 867-5309 by Tommy Tutone. It sits on a shelf under the TV.
33. I once had a friend nicknamed CB (confined to barracks) who used to sing it everytime I walked into my neigborhood bar.
34. My friends tell me I am too trusting. I don't think it's as big a flaw as they make it sound. Or rather, it shouldn't be a flaw in this world at all.
35. Above my bed on a shelf is a small teddy bear that a beautiful homeless boy named Nate gave me.
36. I once had a pet rat named 'Mondale'. He and Lacey were buddies. I think she missed him as much as I do.
37. He died of bone cancer. They thought it was an external tumor they could remove until they opened him up.
38. When they told me Lacey had external tumors, even if her heart would have survived the surgery, I was too afraid the same thing would happen.
39. It makes me irrationally angry when people are late to meet me.
40. I am never late for anything, except work.
41. I am a bit of a psychic sponge and will pick up the mood of those around me, even if I don't want to.
42. On the other side of the coin, I can influence the mood of a group, if I want to.
43. My favorite ice cream is maple walnut.
44. I still can't believe that this year I'll be 35. It just doesn't seem right.
45. There is nothing about my life so far that I would change.
46. But I wish a couple of those things would come around again so that my decisions could change the course of the rest of my life.
47. There's not many foods I won't eat. In fact, right now, I can't think of one.
48. I'm more of a 'quantity' vs 'quality' sort of girl when it comes to eating.
49. I'm tone deaf. I wish I could sing. Not being able to leaves me feeling a little empty.
50. If you tickle the bottoms of my feet, I will cry and then throw up. No one believes this until I throw up on them.
51. My first car was a Datsun 210.
52. I have a birthmark at the hairline on the back of my neck. So do my sister and brother. Coincidence? I think not.
53. I prefer toilet paper to roll off the top.
54. I am left-handed.
55. The number one song the week I was born was "Spinning Wheel" by Blood, Sweat and Tears. I have no idea what it sounds like.
56. Number 26 was "Put a Little Love in Your Heart" which I loved, until they made a Gap commercial (or something) out of it.
57. Seven days after I was born - Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. During that month - Sharon Tate was murdered by the Mansons, the Concorde flew for the first time and Britain introduced the 50p coin.
58. I want to skydive but I have no desire to bungee jump.
59. I know how to kayak.
60. I've climbed a moutain.
61. I want to kiss a dolphin.
62. I've been in a locker room with a football team after a game.
63. I never had a barbie doll when I was little.
64. Nor an E-Z bake oven.
65. I preferred climbing trees and pretending I was a hobo with a kerchief of food and a stick.
66. I spent 8 months when I was six or seven dragging around a rubber alligator on a string.
67. My parents lost me once in a mall in Port Angeles.
68. I used to have a horse.
69. I've eaten chickens in the evening that I've plucked in the afternoon.
70. Not many things frighten me. As a pedestrian - drivers do. And big spiders.
71. Mosquitos don't seem to like the way I taste.
72. I'm allergic to penicillin and codeine.
73. When I was 12 I chose the boy I would give my virginity to. When I was 14 I did it. It was the first bad choice among many when it comes to men.
74. I loathe passive people.
75. I've been a smoker for 23 years.
76. I've always hated my nose.
77. I was once a trophy girl at the local Speedway in my hometown.
78. I have been cow-tipping as a teenager.
79. I refuse to pre-judge people based on other people's opinions. There is always an agenda and I'm my own person.
80. I like board games.
81. I once had a perfect hand in cribbage.
82. The very first time I got drunk was on tequila. It took me 14 years before I touched it again. Now it's one of my favorite things.
83. When I worked as the BC Fresh Water Fishing Licencing tech I helped the police track down a serial killer from the US who was living in BC.
84. When I was 12, I went to see the Jackson's Victory Tour. It remains one of the top three concerts I have ever seen.
85. Pink Floyd was one of the others.
86. I miss the forests but I do not miss the ocean.
87. My mom and I used to take the dogs to the lake late every night when I was a teenager and I used to swim naked in the moonlight while Mom sat on the beach.
88. Years later, I lost my father's wedding ring in that same lake. Strangely enough, I was skinny-dipping.
89. I still have the stiletto boots Scott bought me in high school. They're back in style now.
90. I own two pairs of cowboy boots. I used to wear them all the time, until I moved to 'Cowtown'.
91. I have never been engaged, pregnant or married.
92. I cannot whistle with my fingers in my mouth.
93. 'Shadowland' by Peter Straub is one of my all-time favorite books.
94. My third real boyfriend used to beat me. Once, he tried to kill me by jamming a shotgun down my throat. That was when I left. A couple of weeks later, he shot himself.
95. Sadly, he survived. But he has never dated anyone other than people named "Jennifer", even before me.
96. Once, years later, I asked him why he beat me. He said it was because he knew that he could never control me because my heart was free and that was the only thing he could think to do.
97. He is the only man who's ever hit me. I would kill the next one who did.
98. Even though I lived beside the ocean for 26 years, I only swam in it once. Someone dared me too.
99. I can't get moving in the morning without a shower. I cannot go to bed without having a bath.
100. This was way harder than I thought it would be and I should be doing the work I brought home.
100 things
Not to worry kids, just an adjustment period. Inevitable and must be confronted.Among the many things you will never hear me say, such as....
"Hey, honey, grab that broom over there - it looks like a great sex toy."
"Gee, that needle in the arm thing looks like kinda fun, can I try after you?"
"Let's lie down along the yellow line on the highway like they did in that movie."
...is anything along the lines of...
"Where'd I put that razor, I'm tired of this."
"Can I borrow your shotgun? Just for a sec, you can take it right back."
or any such thing in that sick-to-death-of-it-all category.
I'm working on 100 things, just not there yet and I had to bring work home tonight. Be back tomorrow.
lyric at post:
..could have turned left, could have turned right,
but I ended up here, bang in the middle of real life..
are ya thinking? I guess not
There's a guy here at work who keeps insisting that eventually I'll feel like the burden of the dog has been lifted. That I'll just be relieved that she's dead.It's too bad he doesn't have children so I can say, "Yeah, two kids? Wow, I'll bet you'll be glad when they're dead. What a BURDEN they must be."
Take a second to THINK about what you're saying, people.
Are we really all so out of touch with each other and so unthinking that we think it's okay to say such things? Maybe invisibility is not such a bad thing, after all.
I'm actually in a pretty good mood but sometimes this kind of stuff just leaves me completely flabbergasted.
Sunday, April 11, 2004
Dreams...later
After that last post, I swivelled my chair to face away from the monitor, leaned back, put my feet up on the armchair beside me, and then just sat there staring at the wall by the couch across from me. I don't know what I thought about. I thought nothing for at least twenty minutes. Just sitting and breathing. I could hear the ticking of the clock beside the TV and at some point I reached over to touch Lacey's little box of ashes and whisper, "Hey, little buddy." I remember a thought popping up as I stared at the couch - that no one had sat on it since March 29th, almost two weeks ago and that those last warm bodies were Lacey and I, me with the laptop and her with her head on my knee; the morning I put her down, and then later that day, when I walked back in the door and sat on the edge with her favorite pillow to catch my tears.Pieces of my dream come back to me, the room I lived in which was Sharon's bedroom in highschool and my grandmothers crystal vase that someone had broken while I was away. I remember the feeling of desolation I had in the dream and I grab my dream book to look that up.
I look up pets. We may need to look after someone (or something) possibly more vulnerable than us.
Could that be possible? Someone or something more vulnerable than I feel right now in this silent room? I don't think I know how to take care of her.
I look up grief, tears, crying, fear; but there are no meanings there. I put the book down and I think about the power of dreams.
Not about the things they supposedly are trying to tell us, I have my moments where I think these things may be true, but mostly I believe my subconscious is just sorting through the pictures, trying to make some sort of sense of my life. The Island always carries with it a couple of weeks where I dream about people and places past. That's just the way it is.
No, I think about their determination to live. I think that they want to be real. As if they are some alternate ending to the stories of our lives that want to be the truth. Most dreams we don't remember, or they slip away soon afterwards but some of them, some of them last. It feels as if, in the midst of waking up, these dreams hang on for dear life and try to slip out into the waking world when they think that you may not notice. Strong ones can last in the waking world through your morning shower, even for a day or two, but gradually, they too, lose their grip on reality and slide away again.
I had one dream when I was eight that I can still see when I close my eyes and I wonder if somehow, somewhere it has become a part of our reality.
I have recurring dreams about certain buildings that have never existed. Which I don't remember are recurring until I wake up and then it all comes flooding back, telescoping down throughout the years.
Except for the ticking of the clock, it is completely silent here. I become convinced that I have become, suddenly, invisible. Everything I look at seems hazy and unreal. There is no longer anyone here to see me. I think about calling someone to validate my shaky existence and I realize that there is no one I want to call. What if I did and they had no idea who I was? What would I do then?
I try to shake it, I get up and go out on the balcony with my book. But that's not going to work and so I come back in, put on socks and shoes and go out for a walk to return the videos.
There isn't really anyone on the streets, which doesn't help. Coming up on an alley I see a flash from the corner of my eye and slow my step slightly as an SUV shoots out and onto the road. I am travelling in the opposite direction on a one-way street and the driver apparantly felt no need to consider sidewalks. She does not even glance in my direction and I wonder, if she had, would she have seen me? I briefly consider slamming my hand against the side of the vehicle as it is roughly three inches in front of my face. It seems pointless to pull my hand out of my pocket.
Walking on, I realize that if I had not slowed those last few steps she would have hit me. Or would she? I'm invisible. There is no one left here to see.
dreams
My horoscope yesterday said I should pay attention to my dreams as they were trying to tell me something. The dreams I remember from this morning involve the Munchkin not being dead, but at D's house, with my concern so great that he was keeping her outside I was trying to get to his house on my lunch hour. Of course, before I got there, my brother showed up to tell me that the neighbors complained about her barking so they came and took her away to give to a vivisectionist (cause that's just what they do with barking dogs). So, I cried a lot. The other one had something to do with Scott. Wherein he cried a lot.Somehow, I don't think my dreams are trying to tell me anything except not to go back to sleep after I take that damn pill. Since I've been getting up at 7 am to take it and then going back to bed in the hopes that I can sleep through the first wave of side effects before I actually have to get up at 7 to go to work.
The strange thing about the dreams is that they don't really upset me. I just wake up and think, "hmm, that was weird" and then I go back to sleep.
I've decided I would like to redo the furniture. But that would involve going to Ikea, so maybe by the time I get there with a car big enough to haul it all home, the decision will have changed. It filled up the weekend though, without the Munchkin here. Which can only be a good thing.
That said, it's 15 degrees out there so I am going out to read a book on the balcony before coming in to do the work I brought home.
