Friday, December 03, 2004
away
I woke up this morning, thought, "Hey, I get to see Matt today!" Smiled.Realized how I'd just felt without even thinking, got up, went into the bathroom, threw up.
Nice.
Anyways, I'm leaving you.
I thought it would be a nice change for ME to say that.
We are off to the island of no contact with the outside world until next Saturday. I can't promise I'll be back in here right then, but I shall be thinking of all of you. Take care.
And just for fun.....my weekly horoscope for Nov 29 - Dec 3.....
Monday brings with it an interesting trine between Jupiter and Neptune, JENNIFER, which is not much good for practical things. On the other hand, it helps greatly to visualize your goals or to tap into the power of your imagination. Your love life takes on a new twist this week as both Venus and Mars in Scorpio square Neptune. This could bring about some confusion in love affairs and intimate partnerships. You may misunderstand the depth - or the lack of - feeling someone has for you - either of which could be embarrassing. Don't believe everything you hear either, as there is a lot of strange magic in the air, which might not always work to your advantage, especially if you let yourself be fooled. Have fun, yet don't do anything you might regret until you come to understand the situation in more depth. Saturday offers a great chance for a happy weekend - so enjoy it and relax - you deserve it.
I reckon there's a lot of things I deserve and never get so I'm not holding out any hopes on a mere two piddly days of happiness.
And a final parting discussion round....HE: I was thinking that tonight or tomorrow, we could sit down and talk about and write down what it is we both want to gain from this week, what we don't want and how we might go about getting it. I know that might sound a bit dry and methodical, but it could be a good way to make sure we are both approaching the next week the same way. Just a suggestion anyway, we can talk aboot the details when I get there. I haven't really thought about how or if I would quantify it, just thought it might be a good idea. We can see how we go when I get there, hopefully the best approach will become apparent once we start talking about things.
ME:There's a part of me that thinks we may have gotten the big stuff out of the way and what I want to get out of this the most is (sissy word) closure. Not closure in the sense that, *kay that's done, he's dead to me* but so I'm not looking back in 6 months or a year or ten years with unanswered questions or doubt. Or if our paths do cross again, there will be nothing but good things there. Does that make sense?
Or you could just tell me I'm right and you're wrong and we'll just do whatever I say.
HE: I was talking to Dan the other night over a few beers and said the reason why I think it is a good idea that we still go to the island for the week is that we both needed closure. He looked at me like I had just ordered a decaffinated frappacinno latte with soy, and said what the fuck is closure. To which I replied, we need to sort it out. He nodded and had a sip from his beer, then said fair enough, good idea.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Next bit, tear open the shirt, hand over the knife and run like hell.
Jesus, is this just making us look really bad?
Actually, if you're just checking in now...you will have no idea, so you should just go away. I've tried to make it understandable, but it may not be. As always, love to Jen,also for making me stronger than I am.These are my responses to the last one, below:
There's a part of me that wants to debate all this with you and that's not something I'm going to do. Because I agree with all that you say about you and I. I don't think you knowing what I think an want is going to make any difference or make anything easier.
I do know how rare a relationship we have and I'd like to think you know that too - but the truth is, I know it in a different way than you do. And maybe that has to do with age or experience or any of 800 other things but it changes what I'm willing to do and the things I'm willing to commit to and it doesn't for you. There's no way to change that.
There's no point in talking endlessly about it although at some point we will have to talk a little bit - there are things I think both of us need to say. But, a decision is a decision and I have to believe that you are making the one that is best for you. So, in a way, it's better for us to discuss it over email - I don't want to actually watch either of us be hurt and this hopefully will give me the time I need to deal with it.
What I said to you before you went to Alaska was an extreme example I was using to make a point because it frustrates me sometimes the way you see things. It's me being able to see something you can't and not having the ability to explain to you in a way that you will believe, really believe.
Which in the end doesn't matter because it's something you have to come to yourself. Which is why I said it made no difference if I told you what I felt or thought. It occurs to me that I have other reasons for that too and that maybe it is something I should be sharing with you. Having said that, I did write to you today - I took it to work because I wanted to sit with it for a little while and see if I was okay with sending it. And I think I am. But it's still at work so I will have to send it tomorrow. I think that it will give you a better idea of me.
I don't want you to call me. I need more time and I can't talk to you right now. You are such an intermingled part of my life, everything around me right now has a living and breathing Matt in it and I am angry in a way because you have it easy - you'll be going somewhere familiar where I don't exist, where I've never existed and in that place I have no tangible presence, while I'm here completely surrounded by you. And that's hard. That's even hard to think about so right now this is about all I can handle.
And then this:
Okay, so I need to say some things, so that you see and there is no misunderstanding. If there is something that makes no sense then we should talk about it but maybe that's something we can do on the island. I want you to understand the process I'm going through this week and as much as I'd like to sit down and tell you in detail all the things I see, I think that this is the best I can do right now.
Just because I see your point of view and I can understand it - that only means that I understand *you*, it doesn't mean that I agree with you. My mind, the thinking part of me, it can reason this through - but I do not know if you have reasoned it through or listened to your heart and so I don't know how I am to respond, because we should be using the same parts of ourselves to make this decision, for otherwise we are talking about two completely different things and I've not been as clear as you think I have.
Rationally, it was a difficult decision for me to give this choice to you. Rationally, it frightened me. To look at it, you and me and where we are and what has happened - it's a mess and it's doomed. So how do I figure this out? How can I trust what is happening now when it's rotten and painful and not at all what I planned?
How do I trust what I didn't plan, what I have no control over? How can I continue to trust when all it does is cause me pain? If I just stopped what would I be losing here? But I think we miss out a lot in life when we don't trust. That's the cost. We miss out on the gorgeous, textured beauty of life. We miss the possibility of wondrous things on the other side of fear.
So, I sat out in the rain and listened to my heart.
It says that this, you and I, are supposed to be. It says that we met for a reason. It says that it worked hard o bring us together. My heart believes to it's very core that you are part of it's destiny.
That you may not be it's place right this very minute or even for a lifetime but that we aren't done with each other yet. That it could walk with you towards anything on this earth and not be afraid.
I didn't want to hear that, Matt, I still don't. But, if I am to be completely honest with myself and with you - that's what my heart says. It says that it doesn't know how I'm supposed to work it out - only that it's brought us this far and the only thing I can do is to trust it. My heart tells me that if I do that, if I commit to trusting it - then everything will work out. That I don't have to say, "I have to have this, you must do this, I will be here for a year or two years, you've got six months" but that I only have to say, "I want this in my life and I will do what I can to work around it because if it's right, I won't be asked to do something that is wrong for me."
To know that maybe I don't know now if this is the right decision but to trust that given more time, the way I should go will become clear. My heart insists that I must have that option and that the only wrong thing is to refuse to be open to the options.
Strangely enough - I think you believe this same thing, in your own way - and so what your decision means to me - what *I* see - is that when your heart looks at me it doesn't believe the same things mine does.
and yes, I said this, you guys are getting all of it, as embarassing as that may be...
To be horribly honest, I think it comes down to one phrase, one high-schooly sort of thing that carries it's own truth and that is - 'You may love me, but you don't love me enough.'
No one wants to know that. No one wants to see it. But I think it's true and it's hard to admit. It's even harder to face, Matt and that's what I'm trying to do.
I've given you more of myself than anyone has ever gotten and I did that because I couldn't help myself. It feels like I never had a choice. But I've been afraid to tell you this for the very same reason - it puts me in a place where I'm more vulnerable than I've ever been in my life. Right where everyone can see it. Right where no sane person would put it because it's obvious that putting it there in the open will only cause more pain.
But, considering I did that the very first week I met you for the first time in my life, it would be stupid for me to stop now. You've been careful and respectful of everything I have given you. It HAS been stupid because suddenly I realize there's so much I wanted to say to you, to tell you, to share with you and now there's no more time. Everything now will only sound like fear and desperation, instead of what it really is.
I believe in telling people I love how I feel but I haven't been able to tell you that. It's fear, because suddenly I can be hurt by someone taking that away. But if I love you then I do want your happiness and I do want you to grow. I have to trust that you are making the best decision, because a love that isn't prepared to do that, isn't really love at all.
I've never been willing to compromise on what I was looking for. I loved Scott but I wasn't in love with him and so I left. I was in love with Jed, but I didn't love him, and so I left. I would rather be alone than be somewhere my heart didn't want to be.
And if your heart doesn't want to be here, it would go against everything I believe to try and make you 'stay'.
So, I can say all that. I can believe all of it. I can promise myself that what happens is what should happen. I can have every intention of getting through it day by day because this is the choice that was made and it's a choice I don't entirely disagree with and can't change.
But it doesn't mean that I'm not utterly devastated. And it doesn't mean that it hasn't broken my heart.
I think a lot of what I want to say is in reply to what you wrote - I will try to add my bits in the middle of yours, though I don't know how the format will look when it gets to you.
I would have to say that I have definitely approached this from what my mind says, and I haven't been asking my heart. I guess this is more my way, for earlier in relationships I listened more to my heart, which I found hurt more and when I was more insecure, tended to make me do things that in retrospect weren't healthy for me. So now I tend to go to the other end of the scale - I see a lot of the things that I do in my life to be like a teeter-totter, with opposite approaches on either end. I start at one end, try the other end, then slowly work towards the middle to find some sort of balance in my life.
I always felt that our paths would cross later on if they seperated now, and I found comfort in that, that is what my heart told me. But when you said that we couldn't stay buddies, it was all or nothing, I was forced to change that. And like I said before, that was good for me. I can't expect to do that, especially when I am the one leaving everything behind, going off to new things and you are staying here, that really isn't fair on you.
My decision didn't come down to if I loved you enough or not, it was about what I thought I needed to do in my life, how I could become the person I want to be, how I could do the most learning and growing.
Previously i have been quick to fall in love, which has led me to do things that weren't right for me. This has been my biggest downfall, so I tried not to not "fall in love", but to love you and myself equally and to force myself to do what was healthy for me. Of course you made that easier by not requiring things of me. And I guess in a way I had in the back of my mind I was leaving and at the time I couldn't see us seeeing each other for the longest time, I tried not to fall too far in love to protect myself. So although my love for you has grown and grown, I have tried not to fall madly in love. And for the longest time, I thought you were the same.......just one more thing we should have talked about.
I have never been more truthful and open with someone as I have been for you, and it has at times been very hard. In a situation like this, I would normally tell you what I thought you wanted to hear, avoiding conflict and not revealing myself. But as always with you, I am opening up and trying to tell you how I feel, even when I know that it will hurt you. I hate hurting you, it is the last thing I want to do, but if I am going to be true to us and the relationship we have shared, then I must be open and truthful.
(Everything now will only sound like fear and desperation, instead of what it really is.)
I have been thinking about this too. At the start of our relationship it seemed so right to not define it, and I think it was right at the time. But somehow that became not talking about it. And now we are both scrambling to talk about us and what is going on, which sucks.
(I have to trust that you are making the best decision, because a love that isn't prepared to do that, isn't really love at all.)
More than anything in this world, I have been searching for unconditional love, love that is prepared to let go, love that only wants the best for the other person. I want to be able to give it, and have it given to me. Maybe this is ignorant and unacheivable, but I don't think it is. I am not saying that this is what I am asking of you, but is something that has driven me in my quest of self knowledge and is one of the many aspects that make me, me.
(But it doesn't mean that I'm not utterly devastated. And it doesn't mean that it hasn't broken my heart.)
I know. I knew I would which is partly why i have avoided talking about it and making a decision. I'm so sorry, not that that helps or makes anything different, but I am.
I need to hand over the computer, and get away from the screen for a bit, looking abck through what I wrote, I feel that I have more that I need to say, but I will have to reflect on that for now.
My turn.
I think that you consistently go a little too far in the opposite direction. I don't believe that not being buddies means that we will never cross paths. I think that staying friends might actually be what would destroy it. I'm not giving you ultimatums like -I can never see you again- or -you can never ever contact me.- It comes down to the simple fact that being a part of your life but not a part of your life isn't something I can do without a lot of pain and I'm not willing to do that. I don't want to know you're dating, I don't want to know where you are or if you're hurt or happy or sad. I do want to know you're okay and I want you to know that I am always here if you need me but that's about it. It *is* a cop-out because it seems like the easy way out, to keep being friends, but it's not. That's why I said too about the blog, if we aren't going to be friends then you can't have access to my life - whether I know it or not, because in it's own way, that would allow you to still be a part of my life and defeats the purpose. I think you get that part though.
(So although my love for you has grown and grown, I have tried not to fall madly in love. And for the longest time, I thought you were the same.......just one more thing we should have talked about.)
I'm not saying I'm madly in love, Matt. Madly in love, to me, implies something based on lust and blindness and I don't think either of us is blind, in any way. Definitions are fucked and I don't know that I want to try and define what I think of as love and in love right now. I think you and I need to understand each other and I think we have a rare opportunity here (more on that later) - I think I'm saying that with you there is a balance between the two things that is something I never thought that I would find. I'm glad I've made things easier for you but that wasn't my intention, it just is what it is and what if felt right to do. You've helped me learn many things that I've not been able to until now and you've changed who I am in a fundamental way.
(I hate hurting you, it is the last thing I want to do, but if I am going to be true to us and the relationship we have shared, then I must be open and truthful)
I don't want you to be anything else. I wasn't going to say any of this because I knew that it may make it harder for you and that it may be coming from a place of wanting to hurt you back but then I realized that, I needed to tell you the truth and not what I thought would make things easier, because you deserve it and it doesn't help either of us understand if we're not telling the truth - that would invalidate our entire relationship in a way. Besides, we all know I'm too honest for my own good, although with you that's moved to a whole new level. I do a lot of "I think" and not very much "I feel" and that's not honesty - it's smokescreen.
As I said up there, I think we have an opportunity here to do something good for ourselves with this. Of course, it's only in my messy life that I would even be in a situation where I knew when a good relationship will end but rather than be angry or resentful or give in to the urge I had for about 5 minutes to say, 'well fuck you, it's over NOW' - I think that this gives us time to understand each other and to ask the things we need to know. It's a gift to be able to never have to look back and say, "What if I'd told her this?" "What did he mean by that?" , to not have those questions and loose ends. That's part of the reason I need to process this because by the weekend I want to be able to discuss it without the shock and pain I felt the last couple of days. Because although I knew there was a 50/50 chance and I thought I knew what you would do - my heart didn't really believe it. The week of the wedding ended up being great but it will always have a taint on it because of that first night and I am trying to avoid that. I want this to be a good week, one that I will never regret, one that reminds me that I didn't miss the chance I had to learn and love. One that proves to me that one the other side of pain and self-doubt are beautiful things that make the journey worthwhile. I think this is a good thing and I think we can only gain from it because I doubt either of us will ever be in this position again.
Whether or not you're asking unconditional love of me, I think you have it anyways. That doesn't mean I'm good at it or that it hurts any less or that I'm going about it the right way but I do want only what's best for you, even if that means I have to deal with the pain of giving/ choosing it. I believe it exists but I don't think it can always exist without pain. Without regret maybe but we are taught to be selfish. Being selfish saves us pain because then we can blame someone else. If I give you this without being selfish enough to think only about myself and how I feel, then I'm the only one who can e responsible for the choice and I"m the only one I can 'blame'. If I choose to whine and cry and guilt you and you still don't stay with me then I can blame *you*. That's what our society has taught us. Does that make sense?
(I'm so sorry, not that that helps or makes anything different, but I am.)
I'm sorry too, Matt, it would be nice to think that this is a perfect world and things always work out the way we want them to but I think it's important that at least we utilize the opportunity to look at this differently while we have a chance to do so and use it to our advantage. I'm amazed that I am saying things like this, I'm amazed that I might actually have gotten somewhere on my own road, it's been a very long one and sometimes I thought I was never getting anywhere and that even if I did, I'd never find anyone who understood what I was on about / aboot. I'm amazed that you've been here and that you seem to, at least a little. That doesn't mean I won't cry or get angry or try to stab you to death with a spoon (after you hide all the forks and knives) next week but I'll do the best I can.
Etc.
I guess now I just have to keep going hey? It gets worse. Or better. Depending on how you look at it. But that will have to wait until tonight.Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Fuck It
I am going to keep it here. At least for now.Mostly because well, it's my blog. But also because he never ceases to amaze me and this is one of the many reasons I love him as much as I do. He's a good human being who communicates better than he knows and all of us should be able to recognize how precious and rare that is.
I have been feeling pretty average the last few days, not that I am looking for sympathy, seeing as I have chosen this. And although it hurts now, I do believe that this is the best thing for me. Obviously my timing sucks, but I think it is better than me shying away from it until I left.
A huge part of the decision is based on the fact that I am heading back to Oz, without definite plans for the future, and I couldn't see us being together (physically) for 6-12 months minimum. And that is not something I would be prepared to do with anyone at this stage and age in my life. A lot of that stems from the long held beliefs I have held (as we talked about after September) - my last two relationships I walked away from to travel and learn about myself, and I stand by those decisions. I am sure a psychiatrist would have something, probably quite poignant, to say about this, although I am not quite sure what.
I guess a lot of it comes from the fact (idea?) that I am not prepared to meet the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with yet. So from that I conclude that this must end sometime, so this seems like the right time. Screwy?
At this point I have to add that I am just free-thinking and writing the first thing that comes to my head - some of the things I say may not have been concious elements that effected my decision, or even unconcious ones. They may be tiny factors, which shouldn't be given great weight or aren't explained very well, so please question what I write and don't take it as gospel.
And although I thought that I knew what you want or wanted, I am starting to realise that that may not be the case. I think you explained some of that when I was there just before Alaska, but it is not soemthing that we really discussed - I hope that you will be able to tell me. Somehting that I should have asked, but was too afraid to bring it up I guess.
I am thinking that maybe I should try to explain what this relationship meant to me, not sure why, but maybe it will help. Like I have said before, I have never shared a realtionship with anyone like this one. You made me feel like your equal, and never made me feel like I had to change or do anything that I didn't want to do. From my stunted knowledge of relationships, it seems that that is a rare thing.
I have always loved the way we communicate, and it never felt like you were far away. I always looked forward to getting up in the morning and getting an email from you. Which I guess begs the question, what is different now? I think part of it was the fact that I knew I would see you again in the near future, and maybe part of it was I was in a settled life. Now, one huge stage of my life is ending and another big one is just starting, I feel the need for total independance and freedom.
I am going to stop writing now; not try to get it all out in one hit. All I have wanted to do all day is call you and see how you are feeling, so I will pass the baton and shut up for a bit.
Although you may not want it right now, I am sending a few hugs down the line.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Taking a Breath
Strangely enough it doesn't suprise me - given the things that happen in my life - that I know in advance when the most amazing relationship I've ever had, will end.I don't know if that makes it harder. Or easier. I know that the last 24 hours have been the worst of my life. I know that in a couple of weeks I will get up in the morning to a part of my life where Matt *still* lives and breathes, a part of my life that he helped me create. After my shower, I'll put on the bracelet that matches his, walk through the living room where his pictures hang, going outside to get into his car and driving into work as I listen to the cd's he's left behind.
There are some things that I can do to minimize that but for the most part everything and everywhere in this new life I have made in the last couple of months - Matt is there, so intertwined that I don't know how I can do it because there's just no way to seperate it out. It would feel like the removal of one part may cause the remaining part's soul to wither away. He's got it easy in that respect, leaving here and flying somewhere I don't exist, somewhere I have no tangible presence where nothing will remind him of me.
I can't imagine that it could get any more heartbreaking than yesterday, but I'd bet everything I've got left that it will.
I knew that there was a 50/50 chance that things would go this way but honestly, deep down in my heart, I believed with everything I have that it wouldn't. Intellectually it was an option. Emotionally? Unthinkable. Not even a possibility.
But, I also know that I have a rare opportunity here to do and say the things I want to / need to before it becomes too late. At some point yesterday I realized that suddenly, there was no time left and this is an opportunity that has to be taken because there is so much more to share. I don't want to regret anything anymore. I don't want to miss the chances I have. I want to prove to myself that on the other side of that pain of the things you fear there is a beauty that makes it worthwhile.
Because I have to face the truth of this. I need to get it together before the weekend so that I can spend the last week with him in a head space that allows me to enjoy it without periodic weeping and the urge to hurt him, because I know that hurting me is the last thing he wanted to do. I have to believe that if I love him - then I truly do want his happiness and his growth because love will sacrifice itself for those ideals. I have to trust that he is making the decision that is best for him. I have to believe that love which isn't prepared to believe and trust in that, isn't really love at all.
And as much as I hate to admit it - it's a case, in the end, of "I love you, but I don't love you enough."
That is, of course, the high school simplified version of the truth, but truth it is all the same.
And I think it is the truth that is the hardest of all to face.
Because I don't want to be amazing. For the first time in my life, I wanted to be loved enough.
Monday, November 29, 2004
Letters
Because there's a part of me that just couldn't keep waiting for the axe to fall. Or not. And because you should know why I'm taking some time off. I can't sit in this garage any longer.My note:
I'm always fine when you leave here but the last couple times about three hours later I'll be doing something completely normal and it'll hit me and then suddenly I'm sitting on the bed or the couch and trying to explain to myself (and Cabot) why there are tears running down my face.
Today, I thought to myself, "It's so strange that we talk about things past December with no reference to -us-." and then I think, "If Matt had decided we would stay together he would have just told me and since he hasn't said anything I bet he's waiting until right before he leaves, because he's decided he's just leaving."
And then I think, "That bastard!" And then, "But, maybe it just doesn't occur to him how much it matters to me and that I'm afraid and maybe he thinks he's not as important to me as he is because I don't really say anything, assuming that he just knows. Or maybe, it's just not that important to him. He loves everyone."
But I don't think I have the right words. And I think that people say things they don't mean and so I've been learning to trust actions. Except that back in September when you had thought it would be over, you're actions were no different. And back then, I thought you knew,too.
So, then I don't know what to believe. And I don't know what to say. Or how to say it. There's a lot of things I *want* to say to you but Itry not to say anything because I'm trying not to 'talk' you into anything or make you feel bad - you have to do what is best for you and there isn't anything I want more in the world than for you to be happy. I can't even tell you what I'm most afraid of because all the options are unimaginable to me. The thought of never seeing you again and the thought of staying together and trying to make it work are equally frightening to me.
And then I think, "Hey, this waterproof mascara works pretty good."
Because right now, there's nothing I can do about it. And it'll work itself out over the next couple of weeks. I think if you needed to know how I felt or what I thought, you would ask me. Sometimes,though, I have to stop and acknowledge that this is how I feel so that I can go back to what I was doing. Otherwise, I'd cry all the time and employers and the general public tend to frown on that.
I actually only intended to wish you happy travels in the next few days and to tell you how excited I am about next week. That I'm glad you were here this weekend and how happy I am. So, my apologies for the sidetracky girl stuff.
I am absolutely postive that the things I've done in the last few months are exactly the right things. I'd like to think I know why we met but I don't yet, - I *do* know that I wouldn't have made it through this without you here to help me, keep me calm and just generally be the rational one.
You are the most precious thing to me. And no matter what I think orwhat I believe or what happens - I wouldn't trade the last few months for anything in the world.
And the reply:
As for the "sidetrack girly stuff", you don't have to apologise at all, I am the one who should be apologising.
There are so many things I want to reply to and say, but I don't know if I am quite in the right head space now........I'll see how I go but if I make no sense at all, I apologize.
I know that when we talk about the future I avoid defining what will be happening with us. And I have made no effort to talk about it - I guess I have been putting it off until the last minute. Part of that is just because I am "me", and I have a hard time talking about matters of the heart ( I know, I am such a boy)....... I am much better than I used to be, but I guess I still have a ways to go.
When you asked if I knew how much I mean to you, yes I think I do. You don't have to say it, and that is just one of the amazing things about the relationship we have - we don't have to shower each other with praise or try to make each other feel good about being together - it just works. At least I think it does - I hope that you realise just how much I appreciate you.
What you said about "The thought of never seeing you again and the thought of staying together and trying to make it work are equally frightening to me" reflects some of my thoughts on us. And when you said that if I needed to know what you thought, then I would ask - I guess I would love to know what you thought and wanted, it's just that I'm shit about bringing that sort of stuff up and talking about it......and I was scared that we would get to a point where I would have to make a decision, there and then. Obviously it is something that I have been thinking a lot about, and the last thing that I want to do is hurt you. However, I have to realise that if I decide to call it off, then hurting you is inevitable. Waiting until the last minute to discuss it might minimize my "exposure" to that hurt, but it really is a selfish and unfair way to go about things. Did I mention that I am a bit of an emotional retard when it comes to stuff like this.
At the end of the day I guess it all comes down to what I want and what I choose. It would be nice to think this is unfair, but it isn't, you have been totally truthful about what you want and so the choice is mine to make. And I don't think that I am ready to make such a long-term, long-distance commitment. After a lot of soul searching I still feel a burning desire inside me to be fully independant over the next few years in my life. I have never had a relationship like the one I share with you, and maybe I will regret walking away from it, but this is something I think I need to do.
It is only now, after writing the last few paragraphs that I realise just how sorry I am for not talking about this to you over the weekend, and how sorry I am to say it in an email. I almost don't want to send it - I would like to call and at least talk to you about it, but it is midnight, and I am sure that is not a phone call you want at midnight on Sunday......so you will probably read this at work, which is also a shitty thing to do to you. I'm sorry Jen, but I still have to send this. If I don't do it now, I will just put if off and probably find an even worse time to "talk" about it. I realise now that by not wanting to hurt you and avoiding the topic I have just made things worse. I guess this is one of the many things that you may not realise you have taught me.
Although at first I didn't understand or want it, I am very glad that you said that we either stay together, or I go home and that is entirely it - it is such a cop out on my part to think that it is healthy to stay "best buddies" after breaking up. That's just selfish and ignorant, yet another thing I have learnt from you.
However, although this is me at my most selfish, please don't think that this is easy or that it makes me happy. This has been a super hard decision to make; the time that we have shared together has meant so much to me. You are an amazing person Jen, I think that you are only just starting to give yourself the credit you deserve. I hope that we can still have an awesome time together next week and celebrate another happy week together. Like you said, I wouldn't trade the last few months for anything in the world.
