Saturday, April 16, 2005
The Conclusion of Random Gestures - Closing the Book
Written March 29, 2004Right now, as I sit and type this on the laptop borrowed from work, Lacey lies beside me with her head on my knee. I try not to think about what I have to do in a few hours and instead want to write some things down while she is here, looking at me. Memories written, not from the view of her being gone, but with her still here.
We had Smarties for dinner on Sunday night. A chocolate and coffee dog, since the day I came home after work to find she'd eaten an entire Easter Bunny about 8 years ago. And beer. What dog doesn't love beer? D and C had come out to do some boarding in Banff and as I was working I was in bed fairly early those nights. Inevitably, the dog would stagger into the bedroom, waking me up as she stumbled around the covers only to fall over and begin to snore loudly. Rolling over to lay my hand on her back I'd yell, "Deeerrreck" and I'd fall back asleep with a beery dog and laughter from the other room. Two weeks after they left I got a picture in the mail of Herself drinking beer out of her own glass and an offer of therapy if she required it.
The March of the year I got sick we went on our first camping trip. I needed some driving time so I rented a car, borrowed Shari's camping stuff and off we went. Moiz had always gone on about Waterton so we drove down there, only to hate it. The only things that were open before the season had started were campsites in fields. Growing up in a rainforest just didn't jive with camping in that sort of environment so we headed off again and eventually found this lake surrounded by trees.
It was starting to snow as we climbed out of the car to set up the tent and it was only about 10 minutes before I discovered that Shari had forgot to include the tent poles. So, we packed back up and drove home. We'd driven for 8 hours by the time I ended up back at Shari's to pick up the poles so we came home, had a good nights sleep and then started all over again the next day. This time, we only went as far as Kananaskis (about 45 minutes) before settling into an empty campground.
We spent the next three days feeding the fire and reading four or five books in the sunshine. Lacey hated it. She was cold. She was uncomfortable. She would go into the tent to lay in the bed to keep warm and then get up every ten minutes to check on me. It was about this time I finally realized that no, she wasn't just ignoring me most of the time, but that she was deaf and couldn't hear where I was or what I was doing. We had Tony:here's little one person blow up mat and I would wake up in the morning with a shivering dog stretched full length on top of me, uncomfortable and sore.
We never went camping again.
There has not been a day in the last twelve years where I've been in the bathroom without Lacey coming in to grab her square of TP to murder. Even though I learned very early on that she would eat kleenex and TP out of the bathroom trash, there hasn't been a day she's missed checking it, 'just in case'. A morning that, in the shower or the bathtub, there hasn't been a nose poking around the curtain to make sure I'm okay, that I'm still there.
There hasn't been many mornings in all of these years when she hasn't woken up and crawled up into bed with me, to lay her head on the pillow beside me and scootch in all tight to go gently back to sleep.
Getting up to eat her breakfast but always being back in the warm spot by the time I got out of the shower.
Earlier this morning, telling her the plan for the day - big macs for lunch, a run in the park, her bunny to sleep with always - we get out of the elevator and she goes over to the garbage can to check out the night's offerings. I open the mailbox and am sorting through the mail when I feel a tug on her leash. I turn around and she's standing back in the elevator, watching me as the door closes and I stand there with the other end of her leash in my hand. Thoughts of the elevator moving and slowly strangling her tumble through my mind as I frantically push the buttons, only to have the other elevator open and sit there waiting. Finally, I duck into the open one to send it to another floor and jump back out to jab the buttons, praying that the damn thing opens before someone calls it to another floor.
The door opens and she's standing in the same spot looking at me like she's thinking, "What the hell are you doing?" Second only to living my days without her has been the fear of her strangling in the elevator.
I can't stop thinking how ironic it is that my two biggest fears in this life could possibly have come so close to true on the same day. And I think, that although I've probably let her down a thousand times in all these years, she never one let me down and patiently showed me over and over again the things that she was here to teach me.
I believe that we should do things that we know will cause us pain in the end. Because to not do those things - to not love or feel or do, to not know someone or something worth knowing - is not living at all. Not having her around will break my heart like nothing else in this world has been able to do but I would never ever trade it for not having her here in the first place. And that, in the end, is what it all comes down to.
But, those choices sometimes are the most painful ones we can ever make.
I can picture Tanys standing there, saying...."Come ON, let's go." So today, off you go, my girl. I know that you'll take care of Tanys and she of you. I will be forever grateful for the care you've taken of me. Thank you for teaching me and trusting in me and being such a loving stalwart companion.
From this day on you lie buried in my heart - where I can keep you safe.
Aside: A Going Away Present From YJ
Friday, April 15, 2005
Stick Me With a Fork, I'm Done
(But For One)
(an email to a friend, cobbled from bits at someone else's "home")There's been a discussion on someone else's blog but to explain it in a different way, here's what I wrote........
The issue I have with the people I'm addressing is dishonesty and motivation. If they were friends, as they are/were in real life then what would be the problem in being open about reading my blog? I've invited most of them there, after all.
To stop contact, lie and then continue to live within my life - I can't believe their motivation can be good. Although I can understand the 'car crash' mentality, I can't condone it or subscribe to them not acknowledging their visits.
What brings them by feels very much like the people behind the mirror in the asylum who come by to watch me tear myself apart and feed into their own superiority. They are choosing to reinforce their ideas about me, but very *selectively*.
If they had good intentions, they'd be supportive or, in the very least, honest. Everyone is welcome to take what they want from me of what I offer but once it's taken, it's no longer mine. The difference between them and everyone else is that they KNOW ME. If their intentions were good, they would be a part of both sides of my life. Like the other 20 people who actually know me and come here are.
I think these people don't understand the selective information in a blog. I don't think they want to. I think they will not contact me. I think that they are people I can do without.
Open invitation or not, respect - for me - is unarguable. And, in the end, my leaving will be about respect. Even if I have to respect myself on their behalf because they won't.
And then my lovely friend Jen,also added this.....
Sometimes, people who only know you through the blog come to think they do, in fact, *know* you. Which, over time I guess can prove to be a little bit true. But still, they only know the you you're willing to show them.
When people who know you in real life and should know better start taking the bits and pieces you've left on the internet and using them to serve their own self-devised purposes, it's the same in reverse. At that point, they really don't *know* you any more than your blog readers do. And somehow, that feels dishonest at best.
It's a fine line. And a tiring one, mostly.
I think starting new will be good for you. Time to take the other fork in the road. Leave the people who would see you not happy on the tine that people figuratively use to pick their nose.
It does make me wonder about human nature though, to see that one of the people I was "talking to" stepped up the number of their visits and then, this afternoon, started to google me in a seeming effort to find where I'd gone. (my ethics require me to actually mask this a little)
Ip**s-N*D CVNET-A7CE9B80 (NET-167-206-155-***-*)
167.206.155.*** - 167.206.155.***
# ARIN WHOIS database, last updated 2005-04-14 9:10
http://www.google.co...&q=airborne+pathojen
Search Engine: google.com
Search Words: airborne pathojen
There'll be one more post this weekend that I wrote last year so I guess this post is the one for saying the things I want to say.
Unless you are the person above or someone who lives within 20 km of me, all else is dealt with and these sentiments have NOT been directed at you. I can be emailed at
randomgestures(@)gmail.com
OR
airborne.pathojen(@)gmail.com
and I would very much like it if I could take you to my new home with me. There will be a couple of you I won't be able to find so please.... Ozone? David? Geekomatic?
This place has been so important to me I don't think that I could ever tell you how much - I don't have the words. Matt recognized pretty early on that... well, I'll let him tell you in his own words....
I have been thinking about the blog for a while now and I have decided that I am not going to go in there any more.
It has taken me a while to realize the importance of the blog to you, and how I affect it. I have come to realize how it is an important tool for you to sort stuff out....it is your mirror to talk to, your oceanside cliff to shout from. It also took me a long time to appreciate how important some of your blog friends are to you and that this is your primary form of communication with them.
Knowing that I could be in there has to affect some of the things you write and that is entirely unfair. It is very selfish of me to think otherwise, and selfish to know that I am affecting this important space of yours and to still do it.
This is why I am now promising to not go in there any more....whether you choose to trust/beleive this promise is up to you. But there it is. I enjoyed reading the blog, I love your style, and I don't want to inhibit that.
You know what? He never did. Even now. Even though I told him he could. I was going to write an ending for Matt as well but I can't. It's not done yet and writing an ending now would be a lie. But maybe, all I need to say right now is that I love the person who wrote that, not the least for being a 26 year old and possessing that level of insight, maturity and integrity. A level that, it seems, is rare at any age. I'm a long way from being okay without him and, as I've said before, I don't think we're quite done with each other yet but no matter what that means, we'll get there and then beyond. Together or not.
I had always requested that google not cache the site pages so there will be some stuff out there but for the most part, now that I've removed RG from the server - for all intents and purposes it's completely gone.
This little corner of the internet has been my heart, just as much as Lacey was and equally as much as Matt. Pulling it all away tonight was like having this already broken heart splinter into smaller pieces. As necessary as I feel it to be and although I am looking forward to a new beginning, I can't tell you how painful this is to do but I think you get the point.
Thank you. All of you. During the time of this blog your support, laughter, comments, emails, gentleness and your very (wonderful) presence is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
So, please email me but if I don't 'see' you again... promise at least to take care, save a worm off the sidewalk in the rain once in a while (for me), be kind to the people around you and more importantly, be kindest to yourselves.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Spring Cleaning
"I don't come to your site."Why yes, yes you do.
For one thing, I'm not sure, really, why people lie and why people lie directly to our faces but the worst thing is - when I know you're lying.
Second, there are people 'in real life' who've stopped being in touch with me for all intents and purposes or think I don't have site tracking or that maybe I don't care but come here anyway and just assume I'm going to let them paw through my life. But, you should be able to understand that it's a little different if you know me or if you worked with me, at least I hope you would. If you honestly think I don't know you're here, you should let me know. If there's some reason you don't want me to know, you should feel dirty.
I do. And I could give two shits that this is the internet, you are in MY space.
I'd refer you all to this.... Blogger Disclaimer, but it seems to me it may be pointless. I will however, post this portion of it in the hopes that you either be as honest with me as I try to be with you, or go away.
If they do not want you reading it, or suddenly stop posting entries, ask them why and if necessary, stop going to the site. It is important that as a friend, relative, co-worker or whatever you may be to the writer, that your presence at their weblog not impede their ability to express themselves. Remember this is their outlet. They may not want you to read certain things they might write about you or others you care about, in order to spare your feelings, avoid drama or maintain their privacy. You should respect this and immediately stop going to the site, and never relay any information you gather at their site to others who might use it against them.
More specifically, if you come here consistently and you've lied to me about coming here / know me and have not been invited here / know me and aren't sure if I know you're here OR know me but no longer actually communicate in 'real life' with me then you are being asked to respect my space and either let me know or ... leave.
I think it's only fair that I give you a chance to contact me because, honestly? Right now, *I'm absolutely not angry about it*. But, soon, I'm going to be. I have to say this because it will begin to hurt me and no one else is worth that. Not now. Not you. Not ever. Not any more.
Either these few people get in touch with me or (the rest of you) will have to email me because RandomGestures will no longer exist. I would be flattered and utterly delighted if 99% of you to came along with me to start again, from a new beginning.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Get Thee North Oh "A" Student of Bad Timing
I am heading out of town at 5:30 am tomorrow morning to travel for work. I am travelling to a site I mentioned before where NO ONE is happy. Being told later in the am that I was to travel with one of the people who's been weighing on my mind.......after I asked her if she could... 'possibly be a little more mindful of the way she spoke to me as it's been seeming lately that she takes her stress out on me'.
Needless to say that since that went over like a lead fucking balloon and I ended up being yelled at and told by a third party that I would just need to 'work it out' (ie: shut up and just find a way to deal with being the only one being treated badly), you can imagine how under-joyed I am to be spending the day in her company in the City of Low Morale.
As I said in my email to dear yj, I will get through this as the superhero of my own life.... and in a year or so from now, having accomplished the impossible, I will pack the fuck up and leave.
In the meantime, however, I am already considering tomorrow the hurdle of Dante's Circle Five - the wrathful, fighting each other in the swamp-like water of the river Styx.
I shall see you on the other side, my friends.
lyric at post:
..no shame, no solution
no remorse, no retribution
just people selling t-shirts..
Monday Bumper Sticker #14
Advice Over Breakfast
lyric at post:
..doesn't matter that your brains all cluttered
doesn't matter that you're covered in scars..
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Around and Around
Lately, I've been preoccupied.Lately, I've been angry and I'm tired of being angry. The only comfort I get from that is that I'm angry at different things and so I have to figure it out and move on. But, still. I'm angry.
Lately, I've been irrationally upset with other peoples assumptions, generalizations and just plain fucking stupidity.
I'll give you some examples.....(short versions)
"I picked up the cutest hitchhiker." "Yeah, well you like them young, don't you?"
Let's note that in my entire life, this person met ONE boyfriend. Who happened to be Matt. But that apparantly means that EVERY SINGLE MAN I'VE EVER DATED IS YOUNGER AND FURTHER IMPLIES THAT I ACTUALLY GO LOOKING FOR YOUNGER MEN.
"I wouldn't have recognized you in a nice car - you're normally driving shitty ones."
This from someone who, for the last 10 years, has only ever seen me in brand new rental cars. Further, the last shitty car I drove, THEY SOLD TO ME.
Last friday, I spoke to three people during the course of my day and two of them said something nasty and completely uncalled for as the first thing out of their mouths.
You see where I'm going with this, right? They're not huge examples but they are representative of the constant undermining I've always lived with.
I've talked about this before, I know, but mostly in the context of strangers here on the island and whatever their issues are (about 60% of the people I've talked to about psycho boy on the highway have had the same kind of experience in the last few years).
Except that what's upsetting me more and more these days is coming from people I know. People who aren't even necessarily on the island. Every conversation I've had, except for the ones back to Calgary, has been uncomfortable and full of these kinds of pitfalls and comments and just plain derogatory shit. It's one of the reasons I left here so long ago but which didn't change all that much in the intervening years - I never learned how to fix it.
I'm thinking about it today because the conversation with the hitchhiker yesterday was this totally easy and comfortable progression of a discussion about our lives. It was immediately personal and completely natural and a masterpiece of back and forth 'I'm totally considering your comment before I answer'. I didn't realize until I got home that I felt so good (apart from the obvious) because it was the first one I've since I came back. The first respectful and positive conversation I've had in months.
I've been thinking about this, as I said, and I have come to the conclusion that the only thing that really makes sense is that I've changed. That I've finally crossed over the line I went looking for 10 years ago because the entire world didn't go to bed one night and decide to be shitty to me.
Well..... okay, no. So, it's me then, innit?
So what's changed about me? Matt.
All of my life, I just wanted to fit in. Don't rock the boat, don't make waves, don't call people on mean things. I've LET people talk to me this way all of my life. I used to laugh it off or just let it go because that was the way to get everyone to like me. Right? Right?
There's a huge component in there as well that I guess I thought I deserved it. I mean, I know there are things I didn't bring upon myself - but I obviously have been carrying around a person inside of me who believed these people were right all these years. There is something about me that triggers this in others - our beliefs about ourselves show themselves, I think. They live in places that people who are attuned to them can see. And a lack of belief in our core selves is something that other people only need to see once to seize upon and use for their own purposes.
I think in part that this feeling never changed because I've gone it alone, I believe that some things can't be healed alone. I haven't had a lot of people to champion me and tell me that I really am a good person. Oh sure, I have friends tell me good things but down at the core of me is that little voice saying, 'BUT they don't KNOW all of you.' Because if they knew me that well, they'd know I wasn't a good person. They'd know what I deserved.
But Matt knew me that well. Matt and I spent 24 hours a day with each other for days at a time, 24 hours in which we were never apart, in which we did everything together. When we were together, there was rarely anyone else ever invited into our space and our time because our time together was always so precious.
And Matt, just by being Matt, convinced me, finally, that I deserved good things. That I really am fantastic and fascinating and good, just the way I am.
That's what I meant when I said so long ago that he had fundamentally changed who I am.
He did something that no one else has ever been able to do. Something he didn't know he was doing. Something HUGE.
And, now what I think has been happening since Matt left is that suddenly I have the time and space to see how I let other people treat me all those years. Suddenly, I NOTICE IT. Suddenly, it is everywhere. And suddenly, it is wrong. Suddenly, I have to make it stop. Finally, I really do owe it to myself.
I have to learn how to break a cycle that I've allowed to continue for so many years. Somehow, I have to find the right things to say to make the people around me realize that the time for them to treat me that way has ended. That just because it's easy and has been accepted until now, that's never made it right. Because, you know as well as I that silence or absence isn't going to make the difference here. I have to turn this particular tide myself.
It's hard. And it upsets me. It makes me sad and angry and sometimes I think, still, that I deserve such negative things. I don't want to come here and moan about it. The decision's been made, the ocean is poised on the moment of it's reversal and I can either let it continue to roll right over me or I can learn how to swim. Make the choice and get on with it.
One final observation here and then I am so going to the library..... I've talked to a very few people here about this, about what I see happening and the comment I have gotten back in a couple of cases is this...
Wow, you're pretty bitter, hey?
Because what I'm seeing here can't be unacceptable but it *is* my fault. Except to them, it's my fault for entirely different reasons. Because *I'm* the bitter one, I'm the wrong one, I'm the one who just can't get along. And to that, this is what I've got to say....
to a profoundly sick society.
Krishnamurti
