Saturday, December 18, 2004
Thoughts
I can't believe all this hasn't made me scream, "To Hell With This Shit, I'm Buying Cigarettes!!!!!"That may just be an indication I won't start again.
wow
I'm tired of how this place looks but I have no ideas at the moment, maybe a color change, except the headers were built individually onto grey backgrounds so that may not be the most sane option.
I'm just so happy to be online again, the distraction away from that empty space in my heart is a most welcome guest.
Prepare for change.
A New Breed of Killer?
Although I couldn't find anything to substantiate the numbers, it did come from Canada's weekly newsmagazine - the full story is.....here.
lyric at post:
..I've got a bowling ball in my stomach..
I am King of the World
Well, okay, maybe not. But I am queen of the internet in my house. Yes, sports fans, it's true - I am posting from my very own kitchen table.But I had to dig up the driveway and now I can't lift my arms high enough to type so I'm going away now.
Friday, December 17, 2004
I love the internet because...
It has created the ability for me to sit here in the garage in the middle of the night and browse the library catalogue and then to put the ones I want on hold so I can pick them up on the way home tomorrow in anticipation of my fun-filled weekend.Brite, Kingsolver, Golden. Ahhhhhhhh.
I restrained myself to nine though. And not more than two of any one author.
I'm not greedy, I can share.
The lan'lords tell me we are rerunning cable tomorrow morning for internet access. I'm not getting my hopes up though, nothing else has worked. If this doesn't I'm going to test wireless access. I'm not even going to begin to describe the internet saga of the ages to you - suffice it to say..... not a 'convenience' I can do without. And an accessible distraction I desperately need these days. AT least since (BIG surprise) my rental management company for the condo forgot to keep the $350 leasing fee I can go wireless this weekend if it comes to that and they can have the money in January. In 30 hours I might actually be talking to you from my own 'house'. Wish me luck.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Ch-ch-changes. Not.
On the way home from work today, I thought I would stop by and see my old friend who also used to be my hairdresser since I had one of the worst haircuts of my life a couple weeks ago and as soon as there's some length, I'll be needing it fixed. I can't face the five-more-bad-hairdressers-to-get-to-the-good thing.Last time I'd seen her she'd been with the 'man of her dreams, the man she'd been holding out for all her life' for about 8 months (sound familiar?) This was 1996.
(I have to point out here that people liked Matt and no one actually liked this fucknut who you could peg as an alkie from 100 feet away but whatever, love is blind, I know).
ANYHOO, in addition to being quite a bit more unhealthy looking she looked distinctly unenthused about seeing me... (I put it that way because there *is* a difference between big and healthy and fat and unhealthy and I like to distinguish between the two, hell I'm thin and unhealthy, which is just as gross)
she: Oh, I heard you were back, couldn't you hack it in Calgary?
WTF? Now, we were good friends, we never had a disagreement and she was always one of those people who was kind and encouraging and hopeful. Not in a gushy way but in a quiet convicted way.
Not so any longer, my friends, not so any longer.
A couple of excerpts from our conversation:
me: So, I went to the shelter and just asked them to give me the cat no one would ever take home. He's a pretty big mess though.
she: Well, then you two should be perfect for each other. Oh, just kidding.
WTF? I haven't seen this woman in 9 fucking years. I was no more fucked up back then then she was. Who the hell is she talking to? And don't even get me started on the kind of people who pull that fucking "just kidding" bullshit.
she: I'll call you next week cause fucknut's going away, pffft, see ya laaaa-ter.
insert some weird islander hand gesture here that I've -sadly- missed out on. or not.
me: I'm sorry that didn't work out for you.
she: I'm not. Even when you think you've found them they still turn out to be fucking jerks. Good thing you learned that now.
me: Maybe you should be thinking yourself lucky because you got the time to figure that out .
(and don't have to listen to people infer that your choices are just as bad as theirs.)
This is from someone who didn't even know Matt. And no longer knows me. I mean, WTF? This is the kind of thing I left behind when I moved. This is the kind of negativity and bitterness that I've been trying to get people to stop doing around me. This is the kind of negativity that I let people get away with - so, yes, I must have/do attract it somehow but I went away to find a way to become someone who no longer did. This is one of the reasons I started to cut myself off from people. This is one of the reasons I haven't really contacted anyone since I got back.
So, I left there feeling a bit sad because she never was that kind of person, back then. And a fair bit pissed off that anyone would think they knew anything about me after 9 years. I think they believe the rest of the world stops if they can't see it and I was, obviously, living in a bubble, kept in stasis, the exact same girl who let them get away with that kind of shit, all these years, waiting for them to look my way again.
I don't think I'll call and if she calls me then she gets one more chance. Any more of that shit and oops, one more down the bitterness drain beneath my feet.
I can always just go to a barber. At least I *know* they're good at cutting short hair.
I know I'm not bitter. I know I'm still happy down at the core of me. I know I've come a long way. I know that I can put aside my feelings to make a cup of tea for a coworker who's feeling barfy, because I can see those around me, even when I'm focused on myself. I know I'm a good person and I'm only getting better. I know I have my moments of cruelty and anger and fear and I know that everything hurts right now but I also know that I'm accomplishing my goals, if only for the simple fact that the people I attract now are good. Like Matt. Like you. And because after something like what happened above I come home to a Christmas card that says this:
Because the person who wrote that card never ceases to amaze *me* and make me laugh and make me think and make me grateful. Because she invariably has impeccable timing. And I miss her too.
Read Me a Story
Okay, so the email post didn't work quite so well, I had to go back in and code it so I'm trying this again. (and yet again, it did not work. grrrrrrr.)By doing a test on how fast I read that I stole from fishboy and is right here......
I understand the meaning but I don't remember the story line except for a vague overview a week or two later. But then again, I read 5 or 6 books a week so it could be that or it could be my shite memory. Who are you people again?
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Airplanes and the candy of our childhood
Having known exactly where Matt was 24 hours a day every day for five months it seemed that while he was still on my radar, I was doomed to follow it as far as I could. Due to the wonder of the internet and knowing his departure time over the last 24 hours I tracked the planes from Vancouver to Los Angeles (left late) to Auckland (arrived early) and finally into Melbourne this afternoon. I wanted to make sure he was safely down (in theory - he misses lots of planes but I doubt he would have this time - his parents were picking him up). He left at 3:30 yesterday and arrived at 3:40 today. Well, today for me but he's lost a day, yeah? So, it's not Wednesday at all, but Thursday.Anyhow, now that he is off my radar and uncontactable except by email I expect the urge to call and beg will subside as I try to deal with the rest of it.
Minutes ago, outside in the rain trying to figure out what the hell to do with the container of kerosene (fire dancing - once I can bear to look at and post the pics then you can see that too, he's good at it), the skater sneaks and the pair of jeans he left in the car, I spot a candy wrapper.
We used to call 'em 'Pop Rocks', those naaaaasty carbon dioxide (or whatever) things that pop when they hit your saliva. Remember those? Remember the old urban myth about how if you ate them and drank coke at the same time it would kill you? Anyways, in the corner store on the island they had the 'Gold Rush' gum that came in the little bags that I just *had* to get and Matt ended up with Pop Rocks.
Giggling like a schoolgirl, he was. He even went back for more. It was a joy to watch.
So, there I am, standing in the rain, in my sandals with the kerosene in one hand and a candy wrapper clutched in the other and crying.
It's just so pathetic.
And it will happen again. Just so you know, because he left me all his homemade cd's, his groceries, his cologne, his books, all the things he couldn't carry home. I'm surrounded. And I can't throw any of it out. I haven't even been able to bring myself to rewipe ovr the bathroom mirror that he left the streaks on Sunday before he left. (Oh, I think that may be the beginning of the obsession stage from below, let's hope it's a short one.)
I said I wouldn't whine anymore, I know, but my memory is so bad and slipping away already that I will end up putting things in there so that I can always remember them.
Because I am quite sure that no matter how painful this is, it will be an experience I will never regret and that I will always be proud of myself for and that someday, yes, someday, I will want to remember all of it as exactly as possible. But maybe I should just make a seperate area for it.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
All Those Steps
I think I may be coming to the end of talking about this. Like I said before, there's nothing really to talk about, there's nothing I need to figure out and I think everything's been said over the last couple weeks that I needed to say to myself. So, myself is thinking this morning that myself is done with babbling at itself. (and you). Now, I'm not saying I won't be out here bawling alla time for a while or that I won't have moments in here, or I won't be back in a month with all kinds of 'writey bits' (not sure about that) but I'll be moving the blog along to other things because you and I don't need to keep hearing about it. Repetition is boring and a bit sad and pathetic.So, thank you for your kind words, your lovely LETTER!!!! and once again, sticking it out with me through yet another big fuck off pothole in my life.
Actually, I'm just sort of testing the 'email in a post' thing but I was just sitting here trying to remember the stages. You know, the grief ones that that woman who recently died came up with? Kubler-Ross, that's her. To the best of my recollection, there's ...
denial
anger
bargaining
acceptance
Isn't there more than that? Where am I at? Bargaining?
Bargaining.
I think we can skip right over that one cause I don't think I have anything left to bargain with. I sold it all.
And I won't ever really accept this so we can skip that one too.
Am I done yet?
Oh, I just looked it up. The next one's depression. Great.
Oh wait, nope, skip that one too. It's been covered.
Whew. Well thank god that's all over with.
Or not.
According to some other people, there's actually 10 and not five.
That's just fanfuckingtastic, innit? I've pasted that baby in there below cause it's pretty interesting but there is one or two things I think I'd like to point out to myself.
"Emotional release" is important. I'm not crying because I want to kill myself. Idiots. (oh I forgot to tell you about that - I'll have to put it in later, but it's more about other people and their inability to acknowledge the grief process, that not only death requires grieving or understand when it needs to be respected - which, strangely, I've been through twice already since 2002, is three times the charm?)
By experiencing deep emotion, and accepting it, you will grow in warmth, depth, understanding and wisdom.
Well, that's comforting. I'm all right then. Jolly good.
I may end up being a better person who's as deep as the ocean and as warm as the sun, but Matt will still not be a part of my life. Honestly, this 'no pain, no gain' thing is shite. Can't I just buy some depth?
SHOCK
This dimension of grief typically reflects only the beginning of the person's journey through grief. When the death of someone we love is expected, we often see components of shock, denial, numbness or disbelief. This experience creates an insulation from the reality of death until one is more able to tolerate what is to be done. Typically a physiological response to these experiences include the takeover of the autonomic nervous system. Queasiness, stomach pain, heart palpitations, and dizziness are among the most common experiences.
EMOTIONAL RELEASE
Many people start at this point. One begins to feel and hurt. It is good to cry in grief. If a person does not express this emotion, it will be expressed in some other way; on the physical or emotional level. Some people need to be induced to cry. This is particularly true of men, as are culture makes many men feel uneasy to cry.
PREOCCUPATION WITH THE DECEASED
The bereaved may try to think of other things, but find themself unable to shift their mind from thoughts about the deceased person. Quite often a widowed person continues to feel married along time after the death of a spouse. Feelings of anger and resentment towards the deceased person add other feelings of guilt. This is when most people feel as though they are "going crazy". Disconnected thoughts race through the mourners mind and strong emotions at times become unbearable. Disorganization and confusion often manifest themselves in terms of an inability to complete any task.
SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL DISTRESS
These distresses may come in waves, some lasting from 20 minutes to a full hour. The most common physical distresses are sleeplessness, tightness in throat, choking, with shortness of breath, a need to sigh (that's cute), empty, hollow feeling in stomach, lack of muscular power, digestive symptoms and poor appetites, sensitivity to noise, headaches and general agitation. Certain emotional alterations may be closely associated with the physical distress; the most common are: slight sense of unreality, feelings of emotional distance from people, feeling like no really cares or understands, sometimes people appear shadowy or very small (you mean I'm not always the tallest one in the room?), sometimes there are feelings of panic, thoughts of self destruction, or the desire tos run away and give up. These emotional disturbances may cause many to feel that they are approaching insanity, but these feelings are normal.
HOSTILITY
There is often a disconcerting loss of warmth in relationships and a tendency to respond with irritability and anger. These feelings are surprising and inexplicable to the bereaved. This often makes the bereaved feel they are going insane. Anger may be directed at the doctor, nurse, God, or the Minister (who is a representative of God). Often too, there may be feelings of hurt or of hostility towards family member who for various reasons cannot provide the emotional support the bereaved person may have expected from them. Anger and hostility are normal.
GUILT
There is most often some sense of guilt in grief. The bereaved think of the many things they felt they could have or should have done, but did not do. They accuse themselves of negligence. Feelings of guilt are often expressed in the days or weeks just prior to the death of a person. Survivors often witness feelings of guilt when they were not able to be present when the death occurred.
DEPRESSION
Many bereaved feel total despair, unbearable loneliness and hopelessness; nothing seems worthwhile. These feelings may be even more intense for those who live alone or who have little family. These feelings are normal. Grief is accompanied by many symptoms of depression such as sleep disturbances, appetite disturbances, decreased energy, withdrawal, guilt dependency, lack of concentration, and a sense of losing lontrol.
WITHDRAWAL
The bereaved tent to withdraw from social relationships, and most likely their usual daily routines are disrupted. Life seems like a bad dream.
RECONCILIATION
Time and ventilation of feelings will finally produce a better situation. All of a sudden, light shines through the gloom and the darkness of despair, and life comes into clearer focus. What occurs is a new sense of energy and confidence, an ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the death.
READJUSTMENT
The final dimension of grief in a number of proposed models is often referred to as resolution, recovery, reorganization and reestablishment. This gradually comes, but the scar is still there. There will be times when cycles of grief will hit the person, and there may be emotional outbursts. It is important for the bereaved person to express their tears, anger, guilt and despair to move through these ten stages of grief. Many people try to avoid the intense pain that is involved in the process. It is important to ventilate all of one's feeling during grief. When you do begin to emerge, you will not be the same person. You may not believe it now but you will get better. By experiencing deep emotion, and accepting it, you will grow in warmth, depth, understanding and wisdom.
Monday, December 13, 2004
Mail. Bits.
I wasn't going to write anything for a while here but we all know that everytime I try that, it doesn't work. I think it's because I'm alone here, mostly by choice, but that you are all my 'connection' to the world. Not in that I'm unsocial or shy or so fatally flawed that you couldn't hang out in public with me but in that over the last few years I've cut myself off from more and more people.In fact, until Matt came along, I'd been alone in many more ways than I had ever realized. The sad fact of the matter is, once you realize that, what it is and how it feels - you can't do much about it. I mean, I can go out and make friends but I can't 'make' a connection like I had with Matt. I can't even face trying.
Let's face it, I can barely face getting out of bed - every step, every song, every thought, just makes me more aware of what I no longer have. Maybe it is better to have loved and lost but I can't really recommend the transition.
All this time - sometimes I was lonely but usually I wasn't. Yesterday, sobbing on the couch, casting around for something to do, someone to talk to - there just wasn't anyone.
I have never in my life told the people around me that I was in love with someone. With anyone. Ever. And now that I did, I find that people just don't get it (more on that later). So, why defend myself? Why talk to anyone? Talking doesn't HELP. I don't need to figure out what happened here. I have unanswered questions but it wasn't for lack of me asking. Or Matt trying to answer them. I can't sit and talk about it because there is nothing to talk about.
All there is, all I can do - is mourn.
The mourning is made worse, I think, simply by the fact that he's just-right-there. Because he held me and sobbed on my shoulder and kissed me goodbye. And walked away.
One morning on the island I woke up and rolled over to spoon up against him, my hand right on that part of his arm where the muscle flows down past his elbow and I had an utter moment of joy. The joy that comes when you think that even if it's not forever, there is nothing more I ever wanted than to do exactly that every morning. that I could go without so many things in my life, but suddenly, I'd found what I would give up all of it for. I have never said that before. I have never thought that before. I have never felt that before. I never even knew that I wanted that before.
This epiphany was followed almost immediately by the thought that in a few days, the thing that I just realized I never wanted to be without, would be gone. In trying to explain the simultaneous joy and horror of this to Matt, all I could do is sob and stutter against his back and so all things I wanted to say last week never came out. They didn't come out eloquent. They didn't come out right. They didn't come out at all.
So, yeah, I can say that's a contradiction right there, the "even if it's not forever" statement right beside the one that insists that's a lie. And maybe, after five years, it would be okay to lose him. Maybe I would have had enough time. Maybe the awe of all this wouldn't have existed any longer. Maybe familiarity would have eroded our bond. And maybe not.
But, we needed more time to figure that out.
And so, I go to work and manage not to fall apart, I have a talk with my boss because, amazingly she understands exactly what I've done and how I feel about it and she can share those same things about her and I think I'm alright.
Then I get in the car.
And I realize all over again, just what this means. It's been the first time in 5 months (five months tomorrow, that is) that I haven't communicated with Matt. It's been the first time in months I haven't felt like I had someone to understand me. Because he understands me so well.
Except, obviously, where we both assumed the other was on the same page, emotionally.
One of the things I needed to know from Matt was how he felt - there's not a lot of talk about that in the emails. He could tell me how happy I made him and how happy everything we did made him, but the feelings? He couldn't access it, it was just a blank and so he went out for a walk, the only time we weren't together for the whole last 9 days, because he has always been amazing at trying to see other views and trying to answer me in a well-considered way.
He came back to tell me that when he decided not to fall in love with me, he took control of his emotions and didn't allow himself to. And that was that.
So, when a feeling comes up, he ignores it or pushes it away, yet every action he made could only have been based in love. I don't understand this, I couldn't look at him the way he looked at me and *not* have been in love. It's a lie. Either he's lying to me. Or he's lying to himself.
Whatever, he thinks it's control and I think it's denial. And whether or not we will come to anything different than that, remains to be seen.
Since I bought his car from him, over the next while I'll be making payments into his bank account, so in a way - there will be contact. Contact to say, deposit=, total=, amount owing=. He emailed me the bank information a few minutes ago. Just that and nothing else but a :) - and I had to talk myself down from emailing him to tell him I didn't think I could bear the mourning, that I don't want to die but that I don't feel like I'm alive. That I take it back and I want to be his friend because I can't navigate not having him in my life.
I tell myself that in a week I won't feel that way and convince myself that the card I left in his bag is how I will feel and so that is what I must stay with.
But, god, it hurts.
(I'll be back to finish this later, I'm cold and tired of sitting in the garage and I've just cried for two hours).
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Anger
Last week was the best week of my life. Last week was the most terrible week of my life. I don't think they evened out, but I can tell you this - 51 minutes ago I watched a crying boy walk out of my life forever. I think this week will be only terrible. I think the difference between, "I'll see you again someday" and "This is the very last time I'll see you, ever" is a difference that is too horrifying for me to comprehend.I'm angry about this. I'm angry that some stupid fuck thought that the best thing to say to me was, "wahoo, now you can go out and party!" I'm angry that all these years of waiting for the right person have gotten me this. Oh sure, now I know those people exist but what does this prove? That I recognize it and for the first time in my life give someone all of me and they walk away with it? I'm angry because I've been through so many hard things, and I've been through them alone. And I've survived and I've struggled and I've kept my sense of humor and I've managed to even make myself a little better person along the way. I've learned and hung in there and stuck it out.
I'm angry that I say I wouldn't trade my time with Matt for anything in the world and *I mean it*. I'm angry that I love him enough to let him do this. I'm angry because I didn't try to change his mind. I'm angry because I didn't fight. I'm angry that the only choice I have to protect myself is to never have any contact with him once he's gone. I'm even angrier because right now that hurts the most. And maybe I didn't think I'd ever find someone like Matt but the sad fact of the matter is, I did find him.
Maybe the reason I'm the angriest is because he doesn't disagree with me. There's nothing wrong and everything is right and even if I wanted to blame something, someone, anything - there is no reason for this and nothing to blame it on. I'm angry because already pieces of him are slipping away, pieces I will never be able to replace with more of him. I'm angry because nothing can make this better. I'm angry because eventually it will be better and everything *will* be alright. I'm the most angry because it shouldn't be alright.
It's wrong. It will never be alright.
I'm angry because I deserved this to last.
Do you think the universe can hear that?
I deserved this you motherfucker.
