Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Taking a Breath
Strangely enough it doesn't suprise me - given the things that happen in my life - that I know in advance when the most amazing relationship I've ever had, will end.I don't know if that makes it harder. Or easier. I know that the last 24 hours have been the worst of my life. I know that in a couple of weeks I will get up in the morning to a part of my life where Matt *still* lives and breathes, a part of my life that he helped me create. After my shower, I'll put on the bracelet that matches his, walk through the living room where his pictures hang, going outside to get into his car and driving into work as I listen to the cd's he's left behind.
There are some things that I can do to minimize that but for the most part everything and everywhere in this new life I have made in the last couple of months - Matt is there, so intertwined that I don't know how I can do it because there's just no way to seperate it out. It would feel like the removal of one part may cause the remaining part's soul to wither away. He's got it easy in that respect, leaving here and flying somewhere I don't exist, somewhere I have no tangible presence where nothing will remind him of me.
I can't imagine that it could get any more heartbreaking than yesterday, but I'd bet everything I've got left that it will.
I knew that there was a 50/50 chance that things would go this way but honestly, deep down in my heart, I believed with everything I have that it wouldn't. Intellectually it was an option. Emotionally? Unthinkable. Not even a possibility.
But, I also know that I have a rare opportunity here to do and say the things I want to / need to before it becomes too late. At some point yesterday I realized that suddenly, there was no time left and this is an opportunity that has to be taken because there is so much more to share. I don't want to regret anything anymore. I don't want to miss the chances I have. I want to prove to myself that on the other side of that pain of the things you fear there is a beauty that makes it worthwhile.
Because I have to face the truth of this. I need to get it together before the weekend so that I can spend the last week with him in a head space that allows me to enjoy it without periodic weeping and the urge to hurt him, because I know that hurting me is the last thing he wanted to do. I have to believe that if I love him - then I truly do want his happiness and his growth because love will sacrifice itself for those ideals. I have to trust that he is making the decision that is best for him. I have to believe that love which isn't prepared to believe and trust in that, isn't really love at all.
And as much as I hate to admit it - it's a case, in the end, of "I love you, but I don't love you enough."
That is, of course, the high school simplified version of the truth, but truth it is all the same.
And I think it is the truth that is the hardest of all to face.
Because I don't want to be amazing. For the first time in my life, I wanted to be loved enough.
Monday, November 29, 2004
Letters
Because there's a part of me that just couldn't keep waiting for the axe to fall. Or not. And because you should know why I'm taking some time off. I can't sit in this garage any longer.My note:
I'm always fine when you leave here but the last couple times about three hours later I'll be doing something completely normal and it'll hit me and then suddenly I'm sitting on the bed or the couch and trying to explain to myself (and Cabot) why there are tears running down my face.
Today, I thought to myself, "It's so strange that we talk about things past December with no reference to -us-." and then I think, "If Matt had decided we would stay together he would have just told me and since he hasn't said anything I bet he's waiting until right before he leaves, because he's decided he's just leaving."
And then I think, "That bastard!" And then, "But, maybe it just doesn't occur to him how much it matters to me and that I'm afraid and maybe he thinks he's not as important to me as he is because I don't really say anything, assuming that he just knows. Or maybe, it's just not that important to him. He loves everyone."
But I don't think I have the right words. And I think that people say things they don't mean and so I've been learning to trust actions. Except that back in September when you had thought it would be over, you're actions were no different. And back then, I thought you knew,too.
So, then I don't know what to believe. And I don't know what to say. Or how to say it. There's a lot of things I *want* to say to you but Itry not to say anything because I'm trying not to 'talk' you into anything or make you feel bad - you have to do what is best for you and there isn't anything I want more in the world than for you to be happy. I can't even tell you what I'm most afraid of because all the options are unimaginable to me. The thought of never seeing you again and the thought of staying together and trying to make it work are equally frightening to me.
And then I think, "Hey, this waterproof mascara works pretty good."
Because right now, there's nothing I can do about it. And it'll work itself out over the next couple of weeks. I think if you needed to know how I felt or what I thought, you would ask me. Sometimes,though, I have to stop and acknowledge that this is how I feel so that I can go back to what I was doing. Otherwise, I'd cry all the time and employers and the general public tend to frown on that.
I actually only intended to wish you happy travels in the next few days and to tell you how excited I am about next week. That I'm glad you were here this weekend and how happy I am. So, my apologies for the sidetracky girl stuff.
I am absolutely postive that the things I've done in the last few months are exactly the right things. I'd like to think I know why we met but I don't yet, - I *do* know that I wouldn't have made it through this without you here to help me, keep me calm and just generally be the rational one.
You are the most precious thing to me. And no matter what I think orwhat I believe or what happens - I wouldn't trade the last few months for anything in the world.
And the reply:
As for the "sidetrack girly stuff", you don't have to apologise at all, I am the one who should be apologising.
There are so many things I want to reply to and say, but I don't know if I am quite in the right head space now........I'll see how I go but if I make no sense at all, I apologize.
I know that when we talk about the future I avoid defining what will be happening with us. And I have made no effort to talk about it - I guess I have been putting it off until the last minute. Part of that is just because I am "me", and I have a hard time talking about matters of the heart ( I know, I am such a boy)....... I am much better than I used to be, but I guess I still have a ways to go.
When you asked if I knew how much I mean to you, yes I think I do. You don't have to say it, and that is just one of the amazing things about the relationship we have - we don't have to shower each other with praise or try to make each other feel good about being together - it just works. At least I think it does - I hope that you realise just how much I appreciate you.
What you said about "The thought of never seeing you again and the thought of staying together and trying to make it work are equally frightening to me" reflects some of my thoughts on us. And when you said that if I needed to know what you thought, then I would ask - I guess I would love to know what you thought and wanted, it's just that I'm shit about bringing that sort of stuff up and talking about it......and I was scared that we would get to a point where I would have to make a decision, there and then. Obviously it is something that I have been thinking a lot about, and the last thing that I want to do is hurt you. However, I have to realise that if I decide to call it off, then hurting you is inevitable. Waiting until the last minute to discuss it might minimize my "exposure" to that hurt, but it really is a selfish and unfair way to go about things. Did I mention that I am a bit of an emotional retard when it comes to stuff like this.
At the end of the day I guess it all comes down to what I want and what I choose. It would be nice to think this is unfair, but it isn't, you have been totally truthful about what you want and so the choice is mine to make. And I don't think that I am ready to make such a long-term, long-distance commitment. After a lot of soul searching I still feel a burning desire inside me to be fully independant over the next few years in my life. I have never had a relationship like the one I share with you, and maybe I will regret walking away from it, but this is something I think I need to do.
It is only now, after writing the last few paragraphs that I realise just how sorry I am for not talking about this to you over the weekend, and how sorry I am to say it in an email. I almost don't want to send it - I would like to call and at least talk to you about it, but it is midnight, and I am sure that is not a phone call you want at midnight on Sunday......so you will probably read this at work, which is also a shitty thing to do to you. I'm sorry Jen, but I still have to send this. If I don't do it now, I will just put if off and probably find an even worse time to "talk" about it. I realise now that by not wanting to hurt you and avoiding the topic I have just made things worse. I guess this is one of the many things that you may not realise you have taught me.
Although at first I didn't understand or want it, I am very glad that you said that we either stay together, or I go home and that is entirely it - it is such a cop out on my part to think that it is healthy to stay "best buddies" after breaking up. That's just selfish and ignorant, yet another thing I have learnt from you.
However, although this is me at my most selfish, please don't think that this is easy or that it makes me happy. This has been a super hard decision to make; the time that we have shared together has meant so much to me. You are an amazing person Jen, I think that you are only just starting to give yourself the credit you deserve. I hope that we can still have an awesome time together next week and celebrate another happy week together. Like you said, I wouldn't trade the last few months for anything in the world.
Friday, November 26, 2004
End Week. Bass Ackwards.
I had a flu shot today. I swear, these people just hired me so they could stick me with needles once or twice a week. Last week - TB test and tetanus - today - the flu shot. They're pushing pretty hard for Hep B too.I don't strictly require the flu and the HepB as I'm not on the wards but we have enough patients in our building that it is possible I could sneeze and kill someone if I were sick and at work. I read some statistic that if 90% of the hospital workers get the shot then 40% LESS patients die from the flu or complications thereof. That's scary. They're serious enough about this that if you choose not to have the flu shot (and DO work on the wards) then get the flu - they will send you home without pay until the flu *season* is over. So, say if you got sick in December - you'd be off work till May.
I got a cool sticker and an orange sucker but still.....
Matt called a little while ago and when I said, "I had the flu shot today and I'm not feeling so well.", he came back with "Well, I guess it's a good thing I'm on the ferry and will be there in a little while to take care of you, innit?"
Such a sweetheart.
I know, I know, it's nauseating....
SO, I've been at work for five days. It's good. I like it. etc. etc. on and on.
I tend to be someone that other people seem fairly comfortable around and there's nothing that illustrates that more than what happened today.... I had mentioned yesterday that Matt and I were going away for the week without TV, Internet or phone and that I'd been making a list of things we could do to amuse ourselves so any suggestions would be appreciated. My fresh new boss came in today with a wrapped present for us....
A deck of cards with the following note attached:
we picked strip poker as our card game. Your turn!
Which actually makes me think of two things that piss me right off. .... but I will have to get to those later. I got things to see and people to do.
Before I wander off to make myself purty (ie: shave my legs) I'll leave you with this - one of the ideas is to blow up 10 balloons and inside each one will be a 'coupon'. Every day Matt gets to pick one of the balloons and pop it to find out what he 'gets'. Sooooo, say... foot massage, back rub - I'm sure you don't need me to list any more of the obvious ones but I've pretty much blown my brain power 'wad' at work this week so I'm running out here - any suggestions?
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Hey, Guess What, You Won't Believe This
My ADSL internet hookup today - didn't work.If I weren't so tired I'd cry.
Matt booked our cabin for the week before he leaves - be warned - no internet. So even these little whiny bits will be nonexistant. No phone. No TV. Seven days.
A new hottub in the yard and enough room to play hide-and-seek .... Captain's Quarter's.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Bugger It
(or when I'm picking on M2 / M8 / Matt -- "Bug-gah It".)Oh god, one time he said "Jump-ah", that one still makes me laugh. Not only cause he's got that fun-nay accent but cause no one here says JUMP-AH. He sounded like an old man, "Where did I put mah jump-ah, la?" heehee.
Okay, see, I'm babbling because I have nothing to say but now I feel all guilty. It's been raining for four days nonstop and I had to cut the webbing between my toes this morning so I could get my toe socks on. (Am I kidding? You'll never know). I've been 'reconnecting' with all the words for rain..... chucking it down, drizzling, spitting, cats and dogs, pissing down.... ahh, nostalgia.
In between learning two new telecom related programs in two days, I've been trying to figure out how to get around the 15 building complex (they call it a 'campus') of a hospital I now work in. (Some of you may remember how directionally dysfunctional I am - if you don't, well - hey guys, I am seriously directionally dysfunctional.) In fact, it's so bad that it is the only thing that Matt and I have ever come close to fighting about.
Although, admittedly we never even actually made it as far as the 'I'm slightly annoyed' stage but for a second there, I thought we were going to escalate to raising our voices,poking fingers into foreheads, coming to blows and ending with me burying his body out in the woods (cause you know I'd be the winner), whereupon I realized that was just the SociopathJen that lives in the village in my head and had to call PsychJen to take her back to her cell. Not sure how she got out, that hardly ever happens now that SecurityJen has rewired the place.
I digress.....oh, fuck now I've lost my po... oh yeah! They're rebuilding and tearing down and restoring bits - it's a mess where I work. Long story short because I am getting dripped on in the garage here, in the rain, the end result is that there are offices mixed in with wards. I reside in the basement of a building built as a veteran's hospital in 1946ish and up on the second floor are the dementia patients / cafeteria / imaging and up on the third floor are the brain injury people as well as the mail room (or are they the same thing?)
So I'm walking along the hall on the way out after work and there's someone up ahead leaning on a cart. They've got a funny little blue shower curtain-like hat on and their (quite fat and large) tongue is sort of poking out of their mouth at me, but more just laying on their face covering the bottom half of it, looking icky. Now, I'm about 15 feet away and trying not to stare and thinking, "Oh, shit, I haven't had my training on how to deal with patients like this yet!"
Panicking, terrible pictures racing through my head, shifting my eyes around trying to find an escape route, noticing in despair that the halls are devoid of any form of potential help... I get a little closer, venture a peek and it's Bonnie. Who works in food services and is the 'speaker' of the most memorable quote of the evening from the wedding reception in Sept ....
"Damn girl, you look gooood. If I had a dick, I'd fuck ya."
I'm still trying to figure out if it would have been better if it had been a patient.
(now I'm kidding, I love Bonnie) And I love Phil! Whose birthday it is today. *mwah mwah*
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Little Lov-ah
I lie awake in the dark, that kind of dark that only comes with the absence of streetlights (ya ya I know, I'll stop going on about it eventually, but it's so dark) and watch your little light blink. Three feet to the right of the stereo blinking 12:00 12:00 12:00 because that fucker Raymond never actually showed me how to make the clock work. Before he left the stereo with me, then never called, for two years, whereupon, it became mine. (thanks! btw). Two feet to the right of the fifth wheel). Three feet below the monitor light waiting patiently on the kitchen 'table'.And you blink.
To the left of you (blink blink) is the 'ON' light, steady as she goes, to the right (blink blink) is the phone line light, shining like a beacon. YOU (blink blink) are the status light. The status 'bad' light. Because now that I have you, the phone company will not turn you on until maybe Thursday.
*sob*
I did, however, survive my first day of work. They seem very happy to have me there (mostly because they are swamped and I represent some sort of intelligent relief - or so they think) and have already learnt one system and will be learning another this morning while I think about how to best redesign their order system.
Weird. Brain working for once in a way I enjoy. I'd forgotten that I quite like that.
Monday, November 22, 2004
Can Someone Turn the Lights On, Please
It is 7 am. I was up at 6:15 am. Now, I know this phenomenon happens every day, in fact, since the cat wakes me up periodically throughout the night (every night), I can personally vouch for 2:12 am, 3:40 am, 4:28 am and 5:05 am. But, shit, at least I get to go back to sleep after I yell, "It's NOT time for breakfast YET! And QUIT STARING at me!"It gets dark here at 4:15 pm and god knows when it gets light out - all I know is that it is not at 7:08 am. It was different in the prairies, the sun stays up longer or something rationally explainable.
I am on my way to my first day at work. With no good wishes (you guys won't count - it'll be too late) to speed me on my way, because, as Legoman said (not enough time to link - my apologies, will do later) "Nobody I know gives a fuck about my Big Life Change..."
They just prefer to refuse to understand, try to understand or encourage me in any way. All the phone calls this weekend involved a question (them), an answer (me) and then blank silence followed by a quite obviously screamingly false "Oh, I seeeee."Which is fine, it seems clear to me that the best way to deal with this is to stop answering the phone. They're just not going to listen and I'm too tired to explain, one more time.
I was a little upset about this not coming from one area of my life, but I awoke to find this horoscope in my inbox, and although it's all crap, I choose to take this one to heart....
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Well, are we?
Actually, 'we' aren't anything, because 'we' are Canadian, but "Sorry Everybody" now has a .... "every action has an opposite and equal reaction" site - "We're Not Sorry".via Mark @ Neonbubble, who likes to monkey with the photos. And is funny.
The following will more than likely not make sense to most of you, apologies in advance. This....
...has made my year. Although I must point out that
.. one = you fucked off four days before my birthday. How convenient.
and two = I'm so smacking you upside the goddamn head once I put down the beer I am buying you, so as not to spill it. If I can drink whilst taking large amounts of a-d's, well then, so can you.
I am expecting a present.
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Nothing Poofy, Just Good Mates
There've been a lot of changes in Cabot thesixtoedneurotic cat since we left Calgary which for the most part have been encouraging. Except perhaps for the abrupt turnaround on his opinion of 'visitors' and his sudden 'closeness' with Matt.Much to my shock, I got out of the shower last week to find that apparantly there's been a little loving on the side happening between the boys. If this isn't a possessive statement, I don't know what is...
I guess I should have known something was up when Matt started wearing that shower cap..I'm so trusting and naive, I believed him when he said he had to wear it to keep the dreads dry. *sob*
lyric at post:
..It’s nothing I planned
and not that I can
but you should be mine
across that line..
Friday, November 19, 2004
that's all I got
wow. I've got a phone now. It rings. It's annoying. The world is intrusive suddenly and I'm not so sure I like it.Apparantly my ADSL modem is at the post office and I may, for the 800th time, have my own internet next Tuesday.
Which may not mean a lot because even with the carpooling one way to work I'll be leaving at 7 am and not getting home until 7:30 pm. Gah.
I don't have TB so I'm safe to work at the hospital. I do, however, still have a fever from the tetanus / diptheria shot. Bastards.
thinking of Jen, also
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Little needles
One of those shuttle buses, the little ones with the 6 or 7 rows of seats runs on my rural route. It pulls up and I board and make my way to the back (it's the latent teenager in me) as three little old ladies say "Good Morning!"I sit and listen as they sing "Happy Birthday" once, then twice as more people board, to another passenger who seems so embarrassed he refuses to acknowledge them.
I listen, too, as the 'ringleader' tells all of us pieces of her life. She's 68 and when this shuttle bus isn't available to take her to 'work' she'll get a ride with a neighbor. She confesses that sometimes she hitchhikes, to the horror of the others.
There's only four of these buses a day and on my return trip two of the men from the morning bus board with me - one of them, the birthday boy - and I realize that they are developmentally challenged in some way and so must go into work for someone for four hours a day, but I'm so unfamiliar with the town now that I cannot think who.
The shuttle driver on the return home won't accept any of the cash fares because she's driving a replacement Handi-Bus that has no coin box. It's a free ride. Imagine.
The route is known as a 'fixed deviating route' and while these people who live out here may very well be deviant (I think they're aliens, actually, they certainly weren't this way when I was growing up around here) - this is sort of a nice idea. Because we're out in the middle of nowhere, if you call ahead, the bus will pick you up at home - today it went about three miles out of it's way to drop off a teen-something mom and her two really annoying children.
After joining the library today, I did take a moment in my travels to read your comment, Vanessa and maybe this will help to explain a little...
I'm 35. Matt's 26. This, of course, is physical years - emotionally and mentally we seem to meet in the middle between our two ages. No biggie, really, it's not something we dwell on (except me, when I'm upset, as indicated below) but on the bus ride home today these two scary things occurred to me.......
He became sexually active at 21 (five years ago) - I became sexually active 21 years ago.
He figures he's loved three people in the last 9 years. It's been roughly 16 years since I've really loved anyone (if I'm being honest with myself) at which time he was 10.
Two examples only but you see where I'm going with this. Sadly, we all know it'd be different if the roles were reversed and even the people close to me assume that our relationship is about sex more than anything else - worthy of winks and backslaps and innuendo. Now, we're no Demi-t-Ash but still.....
I believe that we are each other's destiny. I can clearly see the path of the concidences and people that lined up to bring us together at exactly the right moment in time. I believe that I was here, experiencing the changes that I have this year, waiting for him to come so that I could step into the next phase of my life. With him.
My fear is that he will choose to ignore these things that he also knows. The only reason he will do that is because of his belief that he is too young. For whatever reason, valid or not.
This fear is a terrible thing.
And I resolved last night (because I know Sal is cringing and muttering about 'thinking things true') that I would let it go. I sat and felt the fear for a little while to acknowledge it and face it. It has now been delegated to the round filing bin in the corner. It's been stompled flat and pushed out underneath the door of my mind. Shushed and silenced and squished.
The only things worthy of my time are my beliefs.
At least for a little while longer.
And that, I'm suddenly sure, made nothing any clearer at all.
lyric at post:
..Foolishly I followed you to Dublin
Like a ghost I walked the streets of Temple Bar
And all the bright young things were throwing up their Guinness in the gutters
And once I thought I saw you from afar..
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Lines, Lines, All Over the Face, Place
clarification, note of : the problem is not MY perception of MY age (internally or externally). Nor Matt's perception of my age. But his perception (which, if I can put forth a humble opinion here, is completely fucked) of his age in relation to his life and what he thinks that has to do with me (which in reality, is not a damn thing).This is hard to explain because he and I haven't discussed it in detail so I then cannot explain it to you BUT rest assured, that every single age-related rant lately is directed more at the strange and nasty sense of humor that destiny seems to have in relation to orchestrating our meeting than they are about age. It's just that I keep running into these things and then I get all weepy and pissed off all over again. And I have to take it out / blame it on someone or thing or it.
Now, on with what I was going to say....
I have less laugh lines around my eyes here. Okay, maybe not LESS really, but they are certainly less noticeable in the moisture of the rainforest. Even less noticeable than Matt's.
Which gives me some sadistic (and quite frankly, sad) pleasure.
I waited in line today at the passport office for an hour - to be issued a ticket to wait in line. Why, THANK YOU Canadian Government and the rest of the paranoid planet.
Once at the front of that line (2.5 hours later), I was *allowed* to pay extra to ensure / guarantee that my passport would be ready on the day they say it will be. Meaning, they "TRY FOR" a 10 business day turnaround but if I want that to be a "FOR SURE" thing, I have to pay more.
Thank you again, Canadian Government, Department of Customs and Immigration.
Which leads me to my next comment - in unpacking his bag upon arrival in Anchorage, Matt found a little piece of paper inside it to let him know that US customs had been through his bag looking for illegal stuff. Don't you actually have to be there when they do that?
Monday, November 15, 2004
You Must Be Joking
I went in today to have my old family doctor sign my passport application since sending it out to Calgary for Tony:here would take three days and I may need it in well, two weeks.(I think I have to change that now, since he's no longer "here" per se, so let's say... Tony:Calgary is his new name)
Down in that little box where you put how long they've known you..... as he's been my doctor since I was five, he writes *30 years*.
What? How did that happen? How can that be? Who's been fucking with the time/space continuum again?
Because even though I know (intellectually and rationally) that I AM 35, that I have lived 35 years on this planet, it makes no sense to see it written down on the page there. Thinking it out, it feels like strangeness because not many people have known us most of our lives and so to most people we are 'ten' or 'fifteen'. There's just so few people who have that much time 'IN' our lives that we (I) forget the weirdness.
But, much like any thought of what's to happen around the 14th of December, it causes my conscious mind to flinch away and a small flare of firecracker pain in my chest.
For the first time in my life, I do not want to be the age I am. Not from fear or vanity or any of the usual things but because each reminder of my age is a reminder that this one simple thing - my time on the planet - may very well be the thing that causes the end of what I've waited all these years to find.
Which is a bit of a contradiction in terms, I *know*.
In my heart and until I look in the mirror - I'm only 24. Can someone fix that for me, please?
lyric at post:
..or drive your car all night,
by just starlight,
to Canada
that's where I'll be waiting..
Sunday, November 14, 2004
...16 days - no cable TV - - 50 channels - nothing on...
Cable TV.Who knew how many hours it fills? Even when you don't think you watch very much.
Oh, but you learn. Yes you do. When it's pitch black out here in the 'land of no streetlights' at 5 pm. When suddenly, your entertainments have gone to Alaska or grown boring or it's too cold (until Tuesday when the furnace guy comes) to do anything but sit on the couch in front of the space heater with a book you don't want to read or - even if there were anyone you wanted to talk to - you don't have a phone.
Then, that man with the drill makes loud noises in your kitchen and you see a wire poking it's way through the floor and with hands shaking in anticipation you plug it into the back of the TV... YES! Lo and behold, there is sound. There is picture. There is NO REMOTE CONTROL. There is NOTHING ON!
But I'm going to sit and watch it anyways goddammit.
Stuff and Things
With myself being broke and Matt coming to visit for the last week I spent some time looking around for things to do that were low-cost. Apart from hiking, we needed to things to do in case of rain. Plus, it's pretty chilly here. At least for me, who's not acclimatized to the damp cold, yet.There were some winery tours, the Tugwell Creek Farm meadery, a bunch o' cheap movie houses.... suprisingly, I actually found a lot of things.
Of which we did not one single one.
There was some hiking, a trip to Nanaimo to pick up some smoked salmon, a visit to a used book store, a few rousing games of Monopoly and lots of sleep. There was my first attempt at Vietnamese salad rolls and Matt made his camembert stuffed chicken with a white wine sauce.
The most interesting thing, however, was a visit to a live venue bar by the name of Lucky (where GWB has now been officially barred). There'd been an article in the local paper about the band playing there on Friday night and it peaked both our interests. I can't link to it but here's an excerpt...
The birth of the band took place soon after Pierson and Drucker "bonded over a Dr. Sample"-a basic sampling device. Soon after that, the two brought in cellist Alexander Kort, percussionist Jordan Dalrymple and woodwind player Marty Dowers (all of whom Pierson had collaborated with at some point in the past), and began as an improv group.
Sounds kinda cool, hey? The bar was beside a restaurant downtown that I'd been to a lot as a teenager but had never noticed anything beside. I don't think it had actually ever been anything. Now, it's one long rectangular exposed brick room and the patrons are all heavily subgrouped under "alternative university art student". Apart from making both Matt and I feel a bit old (for once)(there's about five tables and ohmygod I am so not standing up the entire time), we ended up in the corner beside the front door. Here's a general pic so you can see how wide... it wasn't. (from Hallowe'en, judging by the erm...Angus fellow)
The band though? Totally amazing. Their website is here and you can listen to a tune here - I recommend it. In fact, do it now, I'll wait.
And I had more to say, except blogger was sucking ass and lost it and now I can't be arsed to do it again. Will post pics of 'home' once my own access is up and running. Or, maybe I should say, IF
Saturday, November 13, 2004
Yes, we have no bananas
Nor, yet, any internet service.I have however, rented out the condo (so will not be selling) and pending the positive results of my TB test, will be working contract for two months with the hospital as a tech.
Yup, my tuberculosis test. Strange but true.
Matt was here all week and so I have not been (in case you didn't notice) and as he is now on his way back to the mainland and then, tomorrow, to Anchorage, Alaska - then I shall be in and out a little more often.
Hopefully.
Once I start work, if I don't have internet access at home then I doubt I'll be here except on weekends for a long while.
I've got a week off in December to spend with himself before he goes home to Aus and even though I am still broke and things are only falling into place slowly, I am glad I'm here because of the time I've gotten to spend with him. Which will make it worse when he leaves.
And maybe even harder depending on what his decision regarding us turns out to be.
Which I'm refusing to think about. Mainly because it is his decision and there isn't a damn thing I can do to make a difference in what it'll be. Because of course, he figures the problem with our relationship (besides being the most incredibly perfect thing either of us has ever experienced) is not that I'm too old but that he's too young.
What I think he means by this is that he wants to travel, he wants this, and that and the other thing and for some reason believes that this (or any) relationship falls under some subheading that makes those things no longer possible. Which makes no sense at all because we want the same things, we're so in sync it's actually quite icky. Our beliefs, our actions. We co-exist together as two parts of a balanced whole.
Maybe he only thinks he's too young, maybe it's that he just can't fathom not finding this type of relationship again (whereas I know how rare it is), maybe what he thinks of as 'young' is age based and not who he actually is or any of 800 other specific and personal reasons I have no way to understand.
Will he figure this all out in the next three and a half weeks? I doubt it. Will he find the answer he needs to find? Doubt that too. Where will that leave us? I don't know.
All I can do is keep working towards my own goal and hope that he decides that I'm to be a part of his. And so that is what I'm going to do.
I'll have pictures in this week of the fifth wheel as 'Jenhome' but for right now, I am going to stop babbling on and go read a book because this isn't coming out very eloquently at all.
Monday, November 08, 2004
Something normal, something new, something NOT
Spoke to someone today who's offering to buy the condo. Since it hasn't rented and I've just cashed in an RRSP (which admittedly wasn't much in the first place) to pay the mortgage on Friday - I'm thinking it's time to offload and give up on the idea of owning a home I don't live in. Then I could buy a car and actually go somewhere.I've just got to check some stuff out and get back to him with a price and then we negotiate, or not and then he takes it, or not.
I am just now stopping by to pick up some laundrey before heading home to utterly and completely fuck up....I mean... make for the first time some salad rolls for dinner for the boy and I. Cause I feel like something light and MOOSEburgers are on the menu for tomorrow.
Yup. Moose. Also, MaJen dropped off some moose stew today. I don't believe I've ever had moose and Matt likes to try 'exotic foreign animals'.
I guess this means I have to eat large hairy spiders when I get to Australia.
There are a lot of ways to tell you are back on the island (some of which I will get into later) but near the top of the list is people dropping off moose meat.
Although, it is far down the list from your 72 year old mother dropping off some sort of illegal (although sortof but nottotally in BC) drugs for you. Unasked. To someone who doesn't really partake in them.
And even if she did, wouldn't be inhaling. Just so you know.
But, really, how entirely weird/creepy is that?
Saturday, November 06, 2004
Newsflash from the Farm
*cue announcer*"Howdy farm fans, this is your intrepid and hardy rural reporter Eldred Moocowe and I'm standin' here with little Jenny ***, who seems mightily aglowin' with happiness. What's happenin' out there in the woods, Jenny, will ya tell us about it?"
"Sure, Eldred, and I can tell you that glow isn't just about happiness. I don't mind tellin' ya's, I'm pretty durn excited out here. I just... are ya ready? ... are ya sittin' down?... I just...had.a.shower. In my own place. Yes!! Yes, I did!! And it wasn't half bad either."
(don't ask how i fixed it, or how dumb it was) (i saaaaid, don't ask)
Alas, little Jenny has yet to achieve furnace combustion, cable TV, her very own computer access (which if I had I could at least post some stuff I'd saved for rainy days on my hard drive but sadly, since I do not have my keyboard-in-a-UPS box I can't even transfer over) nor a phone.
I use the computer in the office, but since I have the space heater in the 'house' it's a just a tad chilly in here.
Although, admittedly, not as chilly as it would be if I were in the same situation in Calgary.
I recieved an email from the leasing company (still no luck on the rentage of the condo) that someone offered to buy. Which I wasn't going to even consider. But now am. Waiting on my twice divorced party animal realtor to tell me what other stuff in the building went for and then I'll call this guy to see what's what. Need to have a level in my mind that I'll accept but this fella is in real estate so I'm pretty in-advance positive it will be something I wouldn't accept iff'n it was water and my arm was burning.
I have no money. I'm massively overdrawn with no money coming in until god knows when and a mortgage payment due in 6 days. Oh, and I still haven't paid rent. But, whatever, that won't be an issue cause I'll starve to death before anyone gets pissed off, I'm sure.
On the up-side of that equation - I'm off on Wednesday to meet with the two ladies I'd be working with at the job I want for a grilling under bright lights. If they decide they like me, I'll be starting on the 15th as either a contractor or a temp (not sure how the union works there) for two months. If, at the end of those said months we all think I should stay then I will endeavor to rewrite and pass (with actual knowledge by this time) the test to stay in the job permanently.
This is good news in that I could theoretically get a paycheque of some sort by the end of the month but it is bad news in that - once Mattski returns from Alaska on the 22nd, I will be working for his last three weeks in my life.
At least, the last three weeks there will be any possibility he will be physically in my life for a very long time since he will be returning to his very own big(er) island.
And, it is still unsure as to whether he and I will be endeavoring to continue creating a life together or whether all contact will cease. Since I'm SO not going to be his 'buddy'.
One time where it's all or nothing for this little girlie. No more of this fucking 'cake and eat it too' shit. You know, it's a little funny, but I always wanted to be friends with my ex-boyfriends so they stayed a part of my life - until lately when I've realized that was because I never actually loved any of them. So, it's easy then, innit? I can't seem to make him understand that those girls who love him but stayed friends with him back home are just doing it in the hopes that he'll come back while he just continues to have the pleasure of their company. Boys don't get it, do they?
Dude, I'm cold. Gotta go.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Catching Up
My first going away party. A tiara. A banner. Good friends. Love spilling out all over the place.My second going away party... mostly new friends came. Out of the tons of people who got the invite and apparantly didn't have time to come out and say goodbye. I did get some lovely emails and a couple of unexpected calls but it really gives you a new perspective on things, those going away parties. I am glad, however, that the people I care about most got to meet Matt and he them.
I am not glad that, having just 'met' Amber, I left. That sucks.
Matt drove away today, after being with me for 7 whole days and I realized that I'll see him just one more time. Then he'll be gone.
Somehow, my mind just can't wrap itself around that.
And the only time we even came close to 'arguing' was over my direction giving. "Up" and "Down" are apparantly not valid directions. Especially when my definition of which is which changes depending on how I feel.
Cabot is still freaking out but apart from the first night when he ran out the front door in the dark (eeeepp!!!!!) he seems to be settling in a bit better. Very twitchy but poked his head out the door a few minutes ago. He even pretty much slept on my lap all the way here (occasionally shivering and drooling but sleeping all the same).
I have no TV. No 'Lost'. No 'ER' / 'Third Watch' / CSI. No 'O.C.' tomorrow night - the FIRST SHOW OF THE SEASON. *sigh*
Today, however, the electrical had to be fixed and the tanks hooked up to the septic field. I can't really complain, I DID show up a month early.
I still don't have a shower nor a furnace (ceramic space heater), cable, phone or internet.
They tell me they are digging a new ditch for electrical cables, phone and cable TV on Saturday so *fingers crossed* I can order a phone next week and *on my knees sobbing* have TV and internet on Saturday.
I was going to just go with coming over here to use the office computer but honestly? I need instant access. Not "as soon as I put on some clothes, walk over to the office, wake up the dogs who bark insanely" access.
Today, however, I was woken up by a friend banging on the door (and although I have not seen him in 10 years, I really have to remember to get a lock as he then just walked in and Matt and I had slept on the couch since the bed is tiny), I walked on the beach, found a wine-making place just up the road (ie: walking distance), watched seals play in the ocean, sat by a waterfall and picked blackberries from beside the path - occasionally kissing a boy and exclaiming, "Hey, I LIVE here.".
And that, ladies and gentlemen, makes it all worthwhile.
I am off to eat some dinner, unpack one more box and read a book. It's chilly in the office here and so I have not been doing any 'catching up' with you - I hope everyone is having a grand day / week and I shall visit soonest.
Tomorrow, I find out about the job I interviewed for and whether or not I will be out continuing to pound the pavement.
QUESTION: A few years ago a friend and I went to Mexico on 24 hours notice for seriously cheap dinero. There were two websites we monitored to do this - one had a little cartoon sun called 'sunny' or something equally original and the other just gave you a list of the next few days, what was leaving and how much it was (I think they were all charter / tour companies getting rid of the last few seats). I cannot find these sites to save my life. Expedia, Destina, CheapTickets, Travelocity - these are not it. Does anyone know what I mean?
lyric at post:
..in your eyes
I see the doorway
in your eyes
to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches..
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Here. There.
It took us 12 hours (5 am) to get to Vancouver - not bad for the weight of the car and the crappiness of the weather but were very tired. Woman still did not pick up freaking bed and haven't heard from her. By the time I left - I was so sick and tired of inconsiderate, rude and self-absorbed human beings that I wish never to set foot in that city again.Well, we can only hope.
Onto the Island (Land of the "My Cell Phone Does Not Work Here" People) Sunday night. Kind of unpacked. Things sort of work (ie: no showering yet, no furnace) and it seems sort of normal (ie: donkeys heehawing, roosters crowing and solid incessant rain for two days).
Back to the grind. The rural living "I don't have a job or any money" grind, that is.
