Saturday, October 02, 2004
endless self torture, just the thing to start the weekend
I was laying in the tubbie just now and noticed a funny little fluttering in my belly. It was twitching. I could SEE it twitching. I must be having some sort of muscle spasm but ewwwww, putting my hand on it - it felt like a dog's heartbeat. Fast and really strong. How creepy is that?I made a bet with M2 about quitting smoking. Since I'm on my way out to see him on the 20th, the deal was a month. I had to quit two weeks before the 20th (the 6th) and then make it two weeks after. I want being a nonsmoker to be a part of moving. So that when I get there, I'm not a smoker anymore. It's far far past when I should have quit, we all know that by now but I just haven't been able to do it.
So, hey, everyone, I quit smoking again today. Just cause it seems like such a good idea and such a nice tranquil time in my life (not).
Anyways, the 'prize' is a full on facial and massage (for both of us) and over my cold dead body will I let that little bastard win another bet with me.
Friday, October 01, 2004
New Series
or
BOAT - Strolling Through the Dusty Attic of A Life
or
Yes, I'm dragging you down memory lane again, shut the hell up
Kay, first I have to say this. If anyone in Calgary wants to buy extremely cheap 'stuff' like a futon, a hugely wonderful goosedown featherbed, a 12 toed cat who almost chewed off an arm last week from the stress of me being away (okay, I may be kidding about selling the cat, more on that later), some lovely matching luggage, a ventless and environmentally friendly combination washer/dryer, a microwave, a freaking amazing boxspring and mattress (I can't be arsed to crawl around in there right now to find out the brand name but I will if I have to), a VCR (which if you can beat the $10 offer by $10 bucks on the buy and sell website, is yours), a digital cable box or a cable modem (although I'm not sure about these yet, moving back to the island is like stepping back in time 40 years so I don't know if they'll work yet - I may be forced to *gasp* *shudder* *swoon* *dig frantically through the yellow pages for a therapist* DIAL UP), bookcases, entertainment units, cd's, videotapes, books... jesus, name it, if I've got it ... I'll sell it. Just so you know. I have to get rid of enough of 35 years of stuff to live in that little fella down there.Which brings me to my point. YES! I had one! Freaky, I know.
Being a packrat and all (I mean, really, that sticker collection has been in a box since I was 10 - ie: 25 years) - it's pretty emotionally draining to dig through my entire life this way. Let's face it - what I'm doing is taking all the things that are materially/ sentimentally important to me and boxing them up for complete strangers to buy for 50 cents. That hurts me in a place I can't even show you. These things have been my anchor for my entire life and choosing to make them go away is appalling to me. It brings one of my 'quotes in waiting' into the foreground...
because the mind is never new, fresh, innocent.
Krishnamurti
Yet, it must be done. And it is, in part, what I'm trying to do. It doesn't make it any less difficult. As much as it sounds silly that I want to check out the lives and intentions of people who want my stuff, like I'm giving up a child for adoption, that is almost precisely how it feels. Will you take care of it? Will you be good to it? JESUS. It's stuff.
Most of this stuff is from the last 9 years here in Calgary but at least a third of it was brought back from BC two years ago (after I'd paid for it to be in storage for 7 years). I've been through it all tons of times and so what we have left now is pretty much the things I just haven't been willing or able to part with.
Over there is the candle that Grant (who named me Snug) gave me as a housewarming present in my first apartment, oh so long ago. And here! here is the jars filled with west coast beach, sealed so well that they are still wet with the ocean, that I made an Aussie friend bring back to Calgary from a trip to the island five years ago. Eek! Is that the Egyptian bookend Raymond brought me from the millenium party at the pyraminds? Is it right beside the incense burner my old boss brought me from Tibet?
My friend Colleen used to say that walking into my apartment was like walking directly into the memory center of my brain and you could never understand how overwhelmingly Jen that was unless you'd been around for a bunch of those memories.
So, here I sit, with the stereo cranked (which, since, Raymond left it here two years ago and I haven't heard from him since, will more than likely be sold as well) going through all this stuff and remembering the stories behind them all before wiping away a tear or suppressing a shudder and heartlessly tossing it in the bin. I figured I may as well keep the best stories in here for posterity. Or whatever. So, without further ado, the first installment in the "Strolling Through the Dusty Attic of A Life" series...
As a teenager, I spent a lot of time out on the Beecher Bay Indian Reserve which had it's own marina and campground run by the Band. (where, strangely, you can buy your own island for $995,000). The girl, Sharon, was my best friend; her brother, Russ, my first boyfriend and the boy I gave my virginity to a few years later; and Mike, her cousin, my third boyfriend and the one all the nasty things in the '100 things' are about. My home life was bad and they gave me an alternate home to go to, that while probably just as bad for different reasons - wasn't mine... and was a lot more fun.
I spent a lot of time "down the marina" as a teenager, raiding crab traps, laying on the docks flipping crawfish out by grabbing their antennas, laughing, crying, singing, loving, hating, drinking. Parties with rotating bands in the basement that are famous to this day in Victoria, even though Russ is now the Chief; careless times that I still carry physical scars from. Those times when you were immortal and young and so perfect in a way you couldn't comprehend until well... now. Nights in longhouses involved in incomprehensible rituals I was a part of because I was such a part of their lives, and they of mine. Living. Being a teenager, one that, looking back, had too many adult things on her mind, but still - a teenager nonetheless.
In my collection of 20 or so baseball hats, there sits one - dirty and a bit forlorn. Looking unloved. But although it was never actually worn by anyone, it is loved, because it embodies some of the best memories I have. It was a baseball hat that the marina had ordered to sell in the bait/gift shop and unfortunately, the printing company had made a little boo-boo. It was designed to be a picture of a sailing boat with the name of the marina printed underneath, but the dimwit on the printing press that day read the instruction box wrong. You see, the instruction box said "BOAT" (meaning there was a supplied picture for use). This is what they got back.....
lyric at post:
..my mother told me good
my mother told me strong
she said "be true to yourself
and you can't go wrong"..
Of course (edited)
..now that I want gmail, I can't get it - anyone got any invites left? -done and thankyou to the loverly Vanessa...now that I want temp work, people phone to offer me permanent jobs
Give it time, I'm sure I'll be able to add to the list, it's only 1:45 yet, the day is young.
I just threw out about 70 mixed tapes that encompass pretty much my entire life from 12 onwards and put my sticker collection in an envelope to send to my nieces and nephews. I haven't even opened that box in 20 years but *sigh*. I have mentioned I'm a packrat right?
Although, somewhere out in my own little spot of west coast rainforest, sitting patiently and waiting for me to arrive is my new home.... isn't it cute? All 25 feet of it? We should name it something.
Our new home.
The best thing is that it's a temporary home, until March when Stef (my old/new landlady) and I will reevaluate. If I'm staying, they'll boot a tenant out if I want a 'real' house and if I'm not and I'm heading off somewhere else, they're all good with that. Even though they bought it just for me and Cabot. And by no means are these people well-off, they're struggling and they work damn hard. And they believe in me. Like you guys do. And that is a precious thing.
Now if I could just get everything else to go this well.....
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Let's Go Over That One More Time, Shall We?
In the last two weeks/fourteen days/fortnight:-I've had xrays, lived through the stress of the wait to find out the results, all the while living two lives in my head, one life for "it's okay" and one life for "it's not".
-While leading extremely stressful long days filled with frustration at a parallel work life where no one knows.
-I went on vacation to find out that someone decided an end result before there was a chance for anything to grow. Assuming that I thought the same way. And I still can't figure out how that happened because I never saw it coming - I didn't have a plan, I didn't have expectations but, at the same time, I didn't discount anything either. And now nothing feels true anymore, except the board I'm balancing on that lays on the head of a pin a hundred feet tall that blindsides me every night in my sleep. And that's wrong, I have to reconcile this within myself because there is truth there, I just can't trust myself to see what it is now when I didn't see what it was before.
-I've done and said things I regret. That I didn't mean. I've acted out of character. And I don't know how to address that, to him or to myself. I don't think stress is a valid excuse, even stress combined with shock and anger and pain and alcohol. Maybe it's fear. Maybe it's hurt in realizing that I don't mean anything really different than anyone else has. Maybe it's needing to talk and not being able to because distance is a terrible thing. Maybe it's just the hangover of the trip and maybe I'm *still* not seeing what I should be. But, I just don't know. And now I'm afraid to ask.
-I came home and lost my job.
-So, I made the decision that I'm selling my life and taking what I can't do without and going 'home'. Which has been on the menu for the last few months but it wasn't the plan to do it without a job, without a car, six weeks from now without any idea of how I'm going to actually get through it, mostly on my own.
-Six months or so after that, I'll be turning around and leaving again.
-I spent all afternoon trying to clean some shitty virus off my computer and I don't think I've succeeded. So let's add frustration to the list. In between picking things up to decide pack/toss/sell and then just putting them down again, because everything here has a memory and everything is special and I don't feel I can do without any of it right now. In looking around and knowing that although I'm happy to be going back to my woods, I'm leaving my own home, my first home and that no home will ever be or feel the same again.
-I'm having a fat day. Okay, maybe not such a big thing but I'm feeling a bit worthless these days - feeling good when I looked in the mirror may have been a help.
Over lunch today, Shari said I seemed to be doing quite well for all of these things happening all at once.
And I was.
Until I sat down to eat dinner and I looked at the cat and the cat looked at me and I started to cry.
It's not to say that a thousand million wonderful things haven't happened in the last 14 days or that I'm not happy my job is gone. Or that I don't believe I made the right decision to accept someone else's foregone conclusion if that's what I have to do, live what I have for today and deal with the consequences later, but, suddenly, it's just too much. I'm so overwhelmed I can't even see tomorrow. I can't get off this rollercoaster of incredible/terrible long enough to see *myself*.
I wasn't going to say any of this here because of who'll read it, but I couldn't make myself be okay with censoring my own safe place. It's just not fair. And I can't handle anymore 'not fair' right now. So, I'm sorry. It's not here to provoke you. It's here for me.
And, although I believe the last two weeks are part of this feeling, which is as strong now as it was in May, that they are a part of something I'm supposed to be doing, are indications of a direction I'm supposed to be taking - I'm so scared and I feel like I'm five years old and lost in the mall, sitting in the middle of the floor with big fat tears rolling down my cheeks.
Except that this time there's no big friendly adult to tell me everything's going to be okay because that adult is supposed to be me.
I Got Nothing
Because I got too many things. If that makes sense.So, here's a list of search words for Random Gestures from my site tracker, some of which I'm tempted to put in myself cause I have no idea what they could have cross-referenced in here.
But, like I said, too many things and some of them I'm too busy and tired to tell to you. Some of them need to be said. And some of them I can't say to anyone at all.
meggezone
1 "apo 500" high school
1 "hugh dillon" chevy commercial
1 "hugh dillon" hates
1 "make someone at work laugh"
1 "metropolitan grill" calgary
1 "my potbelly" fat girl -pig*
1 "smoker's tumor"
1 "thomas jane" smoker
1 "why to double clutch"
1 "you can drink listerine"
1 chop-it-all haircut blog
1 different words for"cough candies"
1 dogs vet issues that are drink...eing a lot and bloodshot eyes
1 dosage of cephalexin for bad arm infection
1 ebay algorithim
1 greens+ blog
1 http://www.dooce.com/
1 inertia super natural exies
1 j.bully
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
small, teeny, tiny vent
1. I don't like people who don't return phone calls.2. I don't like email exchanges that go the following way...
Can you ask ... to keep an eye out for a cheap car for me?
(as he works in a dealership and also knows what he's doing)
... says you can get one cheaper in ...
and the buses there are really good. Let us know if there's anything we can do.
I had already checked the buses - they don't run when I need them to. I don't know anyone else who might come across a decent car without actually having to go out and look. I don't think it's fair to ask a friend who knows nothing about cars to go out and look FOR me and purchase a car for me when I have family that knows what they're doing. I don't want to ask anyone to go out and look with me here. I don't want to buy a car here that may not make it there. I need a car for when I get there. AND I DID JUST LET YOU KNOW THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING YOU COULD DO.
Christ.
The Day After
So, 'business decision' really means we're not doing so well and you don't bring cash in. But whatever, what they've actually done is save me the trouble of quitting and given me 'stuff' I wouldn't have gotten if I quit. So, those things are all good.Considering midnight last night I was having nightmares about the original scaryboss and at 7 am they were about T1 (and M2), I'm assuming that eventually those will go away too. Another good thing. Waking up in a pool of sweat is a whole lot easier to take when you know you don't have to go back.
So. What to do? Start throwing stuff out in anticipation of moving. Sell the bigger stuff and whatever else I can. Do people in apartment buildings have garage sales? How does that work? Get the leasing people over to price the place. Pick up some temp work for a couple weeks. Dentist.
Study for the test for the tech job I applied for as they've emailed to say they'd like to speak with me around the 8th. But I have to write a test on the SL100's. Which although they are still interfaced by the DMS, I have never seen before. And it's been two years since I've touched a switch. (That will only make sense to phone people. Sorry) Many myriad things to do.
On Monday, my friend Derek took M2 and I for a plane ride up Vancouver Island, we had lunch in Tofino and flew back down the coast - this is Long Beach (the only place you can surf). So, here's a couple pictures.
Our plane.
Me
Tofino Airport
Pacific Rim National Park
And that, kids, is all I got. My tea is done and there are tasks to complete.
lyric at post:
..I can see a new horizon underneath the blazin' sky
I'll be where the eagle's flying higher and higher
Gonna be your man in motion, all I need is a pair of wheels
Take me where my future's lyin' ..
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
So, back to what I was doing at work when they called me in to toast my ass
Be Careful What You Wish For
Especially when you walk into work and think - oh man, I wish I didn't have to come here anymore.Cause then maybe about 11:15 ish, you'd be relieved of your position by a "business decision" and walked out of the office.
I'm not even sure I'm upset. At all. Wow.
I think I need a nap.
Monday, September 27, 2004
Home
I am. And so exhausted I can't even process the simplest information.Will be back soon.
Thanks for leaving the light on.
