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updated 23 Jul 04

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Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Deconstruction

Hi there. You may be noticing that everything's mostly gone. The term "mostly gone" will also apply to me for a little while.

It may be only for a day, a week, a month - I wish I could tell you, but I'm not really sure myself. My only presence here will be in comments other places and additions periodically to the writey bits in the Tombs, either of old things I'd like to keep or completely new additions. I will, however, tag it as updated there on the left. I will most likely also update the lists over there to the right.

I wish that I could explain this part to you, but I can't - the best I can do is this: there are many things I am willing to share and many things I will tell you, but the really truly important things, the things that are at the core of me - I won't. And right now, some of those important things need a little care and attention of their own. There are some difficult choices I need to make and those choices are mine and mine alone. That cannot be done on the internet, and while it's being done, I can't put myself here in any real way.

And if I can't do it in a real way, I don't want to be doing it at all. It's not fair to me and I don't feel it's very fair to you. I'm honored and touched in many ways by everyone that comes here and it is a little heartbreaking for me to just fuck off like this, so I hope that you will wait for me to come back.

I'm sorry that I can't be any clearer than that. If you would like me to let you know when the dust has settled, please email me using the link on the left. If you would like me to email when I update the Tombs, I can also do that too - just indicate that when you write.

Nothing to worry about. It's just a little thing I like to think of as 'deconstruction time' and I will be back when the rebuilding is complete.

Much love,
Jen

---

I Believe

I still believe in the resilience of the human heart and the essential value of love
I believe that connections between people can be made in a moment
And that the spirits which inhabit us sometimes touch
I still believe that the value received far outweighs the price that must be paid

I still believe in faeries and werewolves and things that go bump in the night
I believe that monsters can come home grinning behind the face of someone you love
For I understand that the monster lives within us
But I still believe that living in fear of what is within us is not living at all

I still believe that I can change the world
I believe that the world can change me and that may not be a bad thing
If only I'm willing to see which is the best way to go
But I still believe that all the choices are mine, alone

I still believe that gentleness, kindness and respect will endure, if we only let it
I believe that I can make or destroy someone else's day
Because the choice to put aside what I'm feeling for a moment is mine
And I still believe that we can only benefit by making the effort to do so

I still believe that solitude is valid
I believe that self-reflection is an imperative
That it's okay to look back and try to understand, as long as you don't stare
I still believe that looking back is as important as looking forward

I still believe in you
And I still believe in me

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

what're the odds?

lyric at post:
..people like us we never learn,
the glass is darker on the other side
i could lose myself in your pale blue eyes..

how to make my day

In the latest of what I've decided will be a series...

Live in a way earlier time zone so that wonderful AIM message is sitting patiently rightthere when I sit down with my cup of coffee first thing in the morning - before I've even managed to get in the shower.

Cause although I am not alert in the morning and have forgotten the wording by the time I get to work, it's still a fan-fucking-tabulous thing to wake up to.

Then, leave a note like this on your website...

How lucky am I? Go away for a weekend, never lift a finger, and come home to a brand new ME! With all thanks, kudos, credit, and curtsies to the lovely and multi-talented Jen,too, I have a whole new space that looks EXACTLY like I wanted it to...clean, simple, and much improved. She managed to translate the vision in my head without a hitch and I LOVE it! Hope it looks good to the rest of the world, but speaking from what really matters...to me, it's absolutely perfect!

But, no more, silly girl. The offer wouldn't have been made if it weren't sincere (the 100 things, remember?) I'm happy that you're happy. But still... you made my day.

lyric at post:
..been a year since I touched your body,
all my visions are wearing thin..

Monday, July 05, 2004

how to confuse me

T2 has this funny way of talking and in the mornings he always comes by and says, "Jen, hi, good morning.", with just enough space that you automatically try to answer the 'hi' while he's already starting the 'good morning'. This never fails to completely derail any answer I could possibly have. I know it's morning and we all know I'm not so perky and alert then but man, it's just one too many greetings, too close together for me.

It's equally as bad when I'm on the phone with him as he does the same thing there, "Fine, see ya later, m'bye."

Thankfully, this 'confuse jen' fun and goodness has never overlapped into any of our other exchanges (which are many as I spend most of my day in his office).

Until just right now.

Still working, yes I am. I had more tweaking on Jen,also's site to get it all peachy perfect and that happily accomplished I got a little distracted by erm, other things and so am just finishing up the work I brought home. With Calgary being close to a million people and a million more visitors during Stampede, typically nothing gets done here for ten days except a lot o' drinking and endless 'schmoozing' so there is tons of work I've got to get done before Friday.

Which, incidentally, begins at 7 am with my friend Bob Jr's traditional tailgate breakfast along the parade (which I have never actually seen) route followed by something called 'Shots With Wally' (don't ask, it'd give you nightmares). Being an international company it's a bit hard to explain Stampede, free alcohol breakfasts and why everyone sounds anywhere from giddy to pissed to completely hammered by noon unless you've been here to experience it.

It's all about the free stuff, which makes up for the fact that it is 'city/corporate policy' that all employees/everyone and their dog wear cowboy shirts, jeans and cowboy boots from dawn (6 am) to dusk (10 pm) in 35 degree heat while the tourists get to wear shorts and things that look so lovely and cool.

But I digress.

I had a point here somewhere, now where did I *put* it? Dammit.

Oh yeah. Email invite in my inbox delivered 9 pm tonight to.... Jen's '35 Forever' Lunch. Signed Thank you. Goodnight. Goodbye.

It's infected his writing skills too. Oh, clarity, don't desert me now.

Sunday, July 04, 2004

people say the darndest things, when it's free

We have this free classifieds section in our local free weekly entertainment paper called, "I Saw You/Soapbox", which I read faithfully every week. Not because I think someone is going to leave an advert saying, "I cannot live without that absolutely fabulously gorgeous woman I saw standing on a balcony in the rain wearing boxer shorts and holding a struggling cat" or anything, but because it's inevitably the same yahoos who post in it every week. Which is fine, if they don't own phones or computers. They are sometimes extremely amusing though and I feel like I've gotten to know them over the last few months.

Every once in a while, there is just a shining gem or three in there for the admirin'.

To my liver: I'm so very sorry, but just think; we have a month to rest before Stampede starts.

This I understand, as I too have felt the need to apologize to different parts of my body at one time or another. It just never occurred to me that I should do it in the paper. I figure my body can hear me just fine from here.

Any female want to have a man slave?

Can you send pictures? Is there a fee? Do you do windows?

Oprah's gonna save the world... Hallelujah.. Praise the Lord!

And only the lord knows which show prompted that. I'm assuming it's sarcasm, but you just really never know.

tan that hide, l'il cowpoke

As I stopped off yesterday and paid an astronomical amount of money for fake and baking I actually did put a little thought into the rationale behind aging myself prematurely for vanity.

No, really, I did.

Back when I was 22 after surgery number, I dunno, 4 or something, which involved a large amount of stitching, someone mentioned that tanning would help to fade the scarring. I'd like to think it was an official 'doctor observation' but God knows it could have been someone passing on the street but it was an idea I happily seized upon. Being one of those pale and delicate (*snort*) blondes I've never been much for laying about in the hot sun. Besides making you all sticky and well, hot - it bores me.

In Mexico a couple of years ago I spent an entire week beside the pool. By the time I got home most of my fine blonde hair had succumbed and was breaking off willy-nilly and I had a wonderful tan (for 5 days) except for that pasty white book-shaped area of my chest and chin.

Anyways, from 22 to 32 I tanned in one of those beds twice a week as the scars weren't someplace I could get sun without being constantly arrested. Did it fade the scars? No way to know, really, is there? Although, in all fairness, I did have the exact same surgery again almost two years ago and at this point the scars are at roughly the point they were after 10 years of tanning. It did fade my tattoos, that I know. Did it remove the need to use foundation to even out those rosy English cheeks? Yes it did. Did it make me feel good? Yes it did. Was it soothing and stress-relieving? Yes it was. Do I think it's marginally safer than laying about in the nasty, ever more toxic sun? Yes I do.

Did it age me? I don't honestly know. What I do know is most people think I'm 28. So, if I hadn't tanned for 10 years and been a smoker for 23, I think I would look roughly er, 12.

So, for the sake of the good effects and in complete and utter denial of the bad, I'm off for a tan.