Wednesday, December 31, 2003
reflection
I guess this could be included in the meaning/purpose/justification series (last linkages are here, although I've linked to the one before cause I still have issues with permalinking). Anyways, it's an excerpt from a book I bought in Winnipeg last November (a link to the 'this time last year' post is here) and is called "The Meaning of Things, Applying Philosophy to Life" by A.C. Grayling. A.C. Grayling is Reader in Philosophy at Birkbeck College, University of London.And so without further ado....
Courage and hope both depend on a crucial virtue: perseverance, the ability to keep going in adverse circumstances - with a cheerful countenance if possible, but if not, then at least in the spirit of Seneca's world-weary observation, 'Even after a bad harvest there must be sowing.'
It is said that perseverance is a good trait except when applied to inappropriate aims. This places the emphasis on knowing when aims are the right ones. Someone might say that the tone-deaf, lump-fingered man who persists in his endeavours to play the violin is obviously on the wrong tack, and it does not help to praise him for persevering. But someone else might reply that any worthy aim, such as playing the violin, dignifies the struggle to achieve it, and however difficult it might be for such a man to learn to play, he has still gained much from trying.
This is an encouraging reply. Arguably, most of us could do most of what we desire - or at least, like the aspiring violinist, could gain a great deal from trying - if we found the right way to approach it. Some techniques suit some people, others suit others; one has to find the method best adapted to oneself.
One of John F. Kennedy's speech-writers left a fingerprint on history in 1961 with the brilliant remark that America was going to put a man on the moon by the end of that decade not because it was an easy thing to do, but because it was a hard thing to do; and doing hard things is what makes you better.
I have to say here....that yesterday when I was showing Tony my new cell phone, he made the comment (being into things like that) that my cell phone had a more sophisticated computer system than the first space shuttle. Just think about that for a second...
Anything that requires perseverance is a hard thing in the meaning of this saying, and therefore improves you. The secret to persevering is an understanding of the 'learning curve', a graph with a line that rises, then dips somewhat, only to rise higher,- and so on, rising then dipping then rising again, continuously to the top of the page. It represents the standard shape of the progress people make in mastering anything new. All goes swimmingly; then suddenly one seems to regress, to lose what advance has been made. At this point most people give up. But if they were to persist they would find that each dip is followed by a higher rise, and the overall pattern is upward and onward, making true the Latin motto, Per ardua ad astra (through adversity to the stars).
It is a commonplace that perseverance tends to be more successful than violence - dripping water wears the stone that could not be hammered to pieces. It suggests a number of further traits in anyone who perseveres: determination, ambition, strength of resolve. The cynic would say that we should frequently substitute 'obstinacy;, 'folly' and 'blindness' respectively. The opposite of perseverance is giving up, trying something else, abandoning ambitions. Let it be conceded that if the ambition was to join the Shuttle crew, the decision was probably wise, but generally speaking the best and most satisfying choice is to see things through. As Ruskin said, it is not what we get but what we become by our endeavours that makes them worthwhile.
So, the last two years have been, for me, about perseverance. And I have learned many valuable things. Among them, the things I am willing to sacrifice and the things I'm not. Some of those things have come as a shock to those who know me. I've been told how stupid I am more times than I can count.
But, hey, you guys, you don't have to look into the same mirror that I do in the morning. And the person that looks in my mirror every morning has things that you don't have, things that you put me down for wanting. And maybe they're things you don't need. But I'm not you. The job I've always wanted. My own home. The knowledge that I really don't have to do the things I don't want to. That I can walk away from the bad people and things in my life, without looking back. That I can survive a serious illness relying only on my own strength and weather the fallout that follows. That my choices for relationships are different from yours, but that that doesn't make either of us wrong, only different. I understand that, do you?
The understanding that my expectations aren't too high, because the only people who say that are the people who want to treat others like crap and blame their actions on everyone but themselves. That sometimes, people you don't know are more important than the people you do. That people you may never meet are still important relationships worth nurturing and effort. That sometimes, the people who have known you for years want only that you stay the same person they want you to be, instead of recognizing who you are now, and sometimes, those people aren't worth any effort at all.
I learned to take responsibility, real internal responsibility for my actions. Not all the time but more often than not. I make the right choice, instead of making the wrong one, more often than I used to. And even the wrong ones, I stand by.
And 2004 will be more of the same. So, get out of the road if you don't want to get mowed down. Cause the best way to play chicken is to tear out the steering wheel and slam your foot down on the gas.
But for now, you'll have to excuse me, a nauseated dog and Lara Croft are pawing at my leg and beeping on the TV, respectively.
e @ 9:10AM | 2004-01-01| Happy New Year, Jen. And very empowered one at that, I think. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like this. It's still upsetting when to be you, you have to leave behind your family- since that's often who it is. They also tend to have slightly weird expectations, particularly parents, which may have more to do with living vicariously through you than any desire to see you happy- at least mine do. This year for me, and for my husband, has become the year of shedding bossy people who think they can play more of a guiding role in our lives than we feel they should (my mother in law and my father are a case in point). No matter what we do in life, we'll be a disappointment to someone, piss someone off, get mildly in someone's way. Living up to everyone's expectations is impossible; one has only one life, and you have to manage your own life the best you can. That's been my personal philosophy since I was 22 and sick of being pulled to pieces in all directions. Alors, continue comme ça, Jen, c'est la seule façon d'être heureuse! Bonne Année!
decision
...even though I do want to go to acelin's, there's too much of me that's just too damn lazy right now. I had a nap and I am totally unmotivated. Big party animal, I am.So, movie lineup. Dinner is in. And I'm off to put on comfy jammies.
moi @ 9:29PM | 2003-12-31| glad you're staying in with the puppy, especially after last year's debacle ... or maybe that was a different shoeless keyless in the snowy gutter saga. champagne bubbly smoochies for the new year (i'll be snuggly abed well before the ringing in). love you more in the coming year than the last or the prior. (hey! we've got history!) snugglies to munchkin. mwaaah!
Jen @ 12:29AM | 2004-01-01| uncalled for. Really.
moi @ 9:26PM | 2004-01-01| so apparently, all that was gotten out of that was (unintentional) negativity and (equally unintended) judgmentalism and not one jot of (intended) concern for health and welfare. when the message gets so misread, it's time to give up, pack up and go home, apparently.
Jen @ 2:36PM | 2004-01-02| There are better ways of showing concern that to repeatedly bring up something that happened 12 months ago. Something I'd personally rather not dwell on and don't need reminding of. My reaction was intended to point that out. If you choose to consider it a reason to pack up, then that's your choice. I'm not going to fight over who intended what or misread what or did what, I'm only saying that I don't appreciate those comments no matter what the intent.
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
verdict on the puppydog
...I just have to say that she has the best freakin' vet on the planet. The best.Rather than go into the long drawn out three page explanation of the 45 minutes I spent in her office...here's the shortened version....
Dr: How's Lacey's knee?
me: "explanation of last weeks fall, fabulous and that's not even why we're here.
before we start I have to say....new job, 1/2 amount of pay, we should have been here sooner but it's taken me a couple months to get to the point I could afford it....so I have to be very careful about what we do here today."
Dr: "Can I ask how the career move has turned out?"
me: "Wonderful and I'm very glad I did it, the only issue has been she's getting older and requiring more care and more cost and I'm making less than ever, it makes it a very difficult decision."
Dr: "So...let's take a look."
me: "2 issues. One, this thing growing on her lip that I didn't even notice till after we'd made the appointment and two, the whole bladder infection I left too long, I think her kidneys are going thing."
...So, for the first time ever I think with a vet, she and I went over everything and she says, "This is what we should do, urine test, blood test, cultures and xrays." (all very relevant and all would tell us things we need to know). BUT, practically, we can say her kidneys don't work as well as they should, she's 16, and blood tests will confirm that but once the kidneys start to go, there's nothing we can really do. She's not incontinent, which is a good sign and if we go by her behavior and your feelings, since you know her better than anyone on earth, let me propose this. We put her on broad spectrum antibiotics and see how she does. That gives you a financial breather and allows us to address what we think the problem may be. I'll find an antibiotic that should also help her skin problems and we'll zap everything and you call me in two weeks...this is what we should be looking for."
me: "Yes, good. I would also like to put her on a kidney diet and pick that up here as the food in the grocery stores is not as good a standard, so at least we're addressing that too, as much as we can."
We talked about what I expect her life span to be, that I will do what I can as long as she's comfortable but I don't yet see that as an issue as she's still active and happy and remarkably frisky /bright-eyed for her age and my expectations around what is practical and what constitutes 'heroic' measures.
So, antibiotics and 10 Kg of really high-quality food. I had $200, it cost $107. Since her medication for the ear infection was $28 and the last checkup cost was $57, I think she asked them to give me a deal. Grand total = 45 minute exam...$54, 2 weeks of full-on antibiotics= $25.50 and 10 kgs of food= $20.70.
Tony and I went out after and he told me that he's been (even though he doesn't like dogs) totally stressed about this, that he spent the morning at work worried that something horrible would happen, it would be the end and I would be a complete wreck.
That, too, says something about the people who love me that is a precious gift. Cause I totally knew that today would be a minor had-to-be-done thing and not the end of it all. But I still have that precious gift of friends who worry on my behalf.
And that is cool. Very.
And to find a vet that will work with your financial issues when the clinic itself will take only cash and there's no lower-cost care in the city (I checked) is someone shining a light into the darkness who deserves recognition. At the very least, no matter what happens, a thank you card.
When I'm rich (or if I win the lottery) that's where the money's going, to subsidise vets like her....and to buy me a tailor made wardrobe so I don't have to wear clothes that don't fit - although, that's second on my list.
And so, I wander off, a happy girl, to cuddle up with my own little light in the darkness and with the final cloud of the last two months tracking in another direction for a little while.
e @ 7:24AM | 2003-12-31| I hope your doggy stays healthy for as long as possible, Jen- 16 years is a grand age, and a long time to have a friend with you.
Monday, December 29, 2003
hard work
...so, I did do the month ends, endeavored to take a pic of my soon-to-be-no-longer office (shitty camera, they didn't turn out), timesheets from last week, expenses for scary....then in avoiding actually getting down to doing some work, I rolled the boss' change.
No. Really. I did.
He's got this pottery thingy full of spare change. Maybe his wife won't let him empty his pockets at home, I dunno. But, lately he's been hiding it as he's sure the cleaning staff are scooping cash out of it. You figure?
So, down on the floor mostly covered by a briefcase, it sits. And overflows. So, I went down to the bank and rolled $33 of it, which left the pennies. Sorted them into little envelopes and then left early to shop for penny rollers. Cause there's 11 more dollars there and if I do them tomorrow I can pretend it wasn't cleaning-obsessive me and tell him the fairies did it.
SER @ 8:43PM | 2003-12-29| There's no crime in obsessive-compusion.
thank god it's a new day
...I admit, I slept in a little. It's not like anyone is here at work anyways. Eventually the dog's snoring lulled me to sleep, once I managed to stop leaning over the bed to stare at her and think about how I'll survive when she's gone......cause you know, once my body decides to sleep, my mind decides to kick into overdrive and torture me half to death. Doesn't matter the subject, really. I don't think I slept at all when I was sick last year.
Things just have to be resolved somehow before I can sleep. Writing the last post solidified the first part and got it off my mind. The second part didn't resolve itself until I was trying to wrestle the hair into submission this morning. Cause even though my hairdresser calls it 'artfully messy', after 10+ years of having mostly a girlie brushcut and perfect hair, anything over an inch long drives me freaking craaaaaazy.
What was I saying? Oh yeah, wrestling, lightbulb, epiphany. After having to jump through 824 hoops to get the bank to lift the 'you bounced a check in 1995 so we're holding all deposits for 48 hours' last month, I had completely forgotten I could write myself a check to one bank, immediately withdraw money, which would then be processed after I was paid.
Loser. Double capital L.
Although, in hindsight, I guess it's good I didn't remember that. Bad precedent. As previously indicated I would do anything for the dog. And that, in itself, is not a bad precedent. In fact, it's one that more people should follow for our smarter four-legged friends.
Suffice it to say, I feel better now.
And in celebration of the new cool pants and knowing what my weight is, I'm wearing my sexy spike heeled boots that Scott, my high school sweetheart bought me back then. Cause I weigh that much again. Cause they're back in style. Cause that was back in 1986. Yes, 1986.
and I feel a little bad that I used to scoff at my mother when she said...."this'll come back into style one day."
sorry, mom.
Sunday, December 28, 2003
cold without the benefit of pretty white stuff
okay, so I didn't actually check the temperature before I took the dog out for her morning ablutions, but considering it was pretty chilly last night I bundled up.She of course is barely awake and watching sleepily from the couch as I put jeans over my jammie pants, wool socks, a tshirt over the tank top, Joel's old heavy sweatshirt and jam a baseball hat over my freshly showered hair, packing my pockets with 'poo bags', keys and grabbing a mug of coffee. I pick up her leash and stand at the door waving it in her direction until she gets the hint that I'm finally ready to go.
She just doesn't understand that although she's constantly moving and insulated by all that sprinkled gray fur, naked human mommy is just standing around in the wind at the end of the leash, barely moving at all and becoming sluggish from the cold in the first signs of hypothermia.
It *is* only minus 12 C (10.4 degrees F) but it's still a bit of a shock.
I think both of us are missing Shari's fenced back yard, where I could stay inside and she could wander about without the restriction of a leash for the first time in at least six years.
Saturday, December 27, 2003
guest blogger
Okay, so he doesn't know he's a guest blogger. Details, details.As mentioned once before, in the Friday, October 3 post (preblogger archives, all here), a friend is travelling in Asia or somesuch. Latest news/non-fiction email below.
People sometimes ask me how I can travel on my own for so long.
"Don't you get lonely?"
"No"
"Why?"
"Well, I either go scuba diving, meet other travellers, meet a Canadian friend that is in the region, get a local girl to show me the sights or I hang out with one of my many personalities."
Recently, I used my personalities to entertain myself.
This is the tale of Jungle Norm...
As I mentioned, I have been in Malaysia for the past little while. The place has it all but can be a little on the dull side. The tourists that spend time here usually come with a group or with family and do not want to put up with any of the hassles you get in the developing world. The locals are polite but not really friendly and this makes for a dull atmosphere. This was perfect for me as I have been looking for a place to relax, lay on the beach and stop drinking ever since Wade left and had yet to accomplish it. I ended up on Pangkor Island and managed to tan and do nothing for several days but one day, the sun was covered by the clouds. What would I do with myself? I had pretty much shunned the other travellers for the past little while and was probably considered a bit of a snob. The beach was out. I had already rented a bicycle and peddled around the island so that was out. Hmm, what could I do?
I had read a brochure telling me that Malaysia has some of the oldest rain forests in the world and could see the jungle from my bungalow. Maybe I'd go trekking. Yeah, that's what I'd do.
I got directions and headed off towards the jungle. As I got closer, I could hear many jungle noises. Monkies and hornbilled birds and insects. Oh my.
"Norrr mon"
"Who said that?"
Silence.
I got even closer to the jungle and two wild boars ran across my path. I was startled but felt a surge of excitement.
"Norrr mon"
"Jungle Norm, is that you?"
"Let me out"
I had not seen Jungle Norm (JN) for around three years and thought that I left him in the jungles of Indonesia. He must have migrated north. He is a bit of a loose cannon and the last thing I needed right now was a twisted ankle resulting from his overzealous jungle activities. He is a fun personality though, of course I'll let him out.
"Will you behave?"
"Ugg"
"Well, we'll go into the jungle together and if you are good, I'll let you run wild."
"OK"
We got to the entrance of the jungle and I saw the biggest lizard I'd seen in my life. It was some sort of monitor lizard and must have been the size of a small dog. However, it was cowardly and slinked away when it saw me so I went into the jungle. We climbed up a bit and came accross a waterfall and some people. They told me that the hike was pretty steep but figured I would be OK if it did not rain on me. They left and I went on a bit.
"Hey, JN, this is pretty steep and I am not sure about the weather, maybe we should go back"
"Noooo!!!!"
It felt like someone had kicked me in the brain. From that moment on, I was more JN than me. My shirt and sunglasses were soon off and stashed in the bushes and JN was working on my shoes. He hates clothes.
"JN. what are you doing?"
"Off"
"Have you thought about dengue fever or malaria?"
"Off"
He could not get my shoes undone, fortunately, I doubled knotted them. They stayed on and we went up into the jungle.
Up we went. I was pouring sweat and getting all scratched up but we pressed on and finally reached the top. Thank God no one saw JN/me acting like a child and playing savage in the jungle.
I bent over to catch my breath and noticed that both feet had blood around the ankles. I reached down and knocked a few leeches into the dirt.
"I ain't got time to bleed," said JN.
"Did you just quote Predator?"
"I like Arnie"
We pressed on and went down the other side then came back up and were about to head back to the waterfall when we heard screams. Monkey screams. One was above us and looked like he was going to jump on me. It made me a bit nervous but enraged JN. He turned around and crouched into a punching position then leaned back and beat his chest (I actually did this and feel really foolish writing it but assume it will make some of you laugh). The monkey looked on and was probably laughing at me but he backed down and swung off into the jungle.
"Uh, JN, things are getting a bit weird. Lets go back down to the waterfall and wash our face."
"OK"
I washed my face and got my clothes but how was I going to get this guy out of the jungle? I know, I'd trick him.
"JN, whats that over there?"
"Where?"
"There," I pointed to the area near the entrance.
We walked over and when we were close enough, I used my willpower and pushed JN out of the jungle. My mind was once again my own so I put on my shirt and walked away from the jungle thinking that that was a strange time. Fun though.
Will I ever see JN again? Not in the near future and hopefully no one but me will be around when he shows up but I'd like to cross paths with him again.
Well, I am off to Bangkok for New Years Eve (assuming I can catch a train during the holidays) and expect that if I cannot find my social side and talk to other travellers that Sleezebag Norm is going to end up in a Patpong massage parlour and won't that be an interesting tale? Hope you all had a nice holiday and all the best for the new years...
leftovers
After rushing madly to the store this morning for white bread and more mayo, I had a turkey sandwich for breakfast and one for lunch. Hey, I got all that turkey in the fridge and no one to eat it but me. Thank god I love turkey sandwiches.In the midst of another book. And although I read one yesterday and will read one today, even knowing that I don't have one for tomorrow, I just can't make myself put it down. I guess I'll have to do homey things tomorrow. Although, I have done lots of laundrey, trimmed the dogs facial hair, repotted the cactus I bought and refilled the plant pots while aerating. I swear after I blocked up the plants on the floor so the dog could no longer get her vitamins through eating dirt, she must be climbing up on stuff, cause the dirt just gradually disappears.
Yeah, yeah, I know it just packs itself down after a while, but I prefer that the dog does things to annoy me when she's bored. Adds to the fun.
Sipes called from NB and I actually managed to get the phone. It's good to know that he's talked to everyone across the country and we're all good.
I set the phone to answer with any key but didn't realize that the hang-up key meant ignore and since it's on the left side and bigger than the others and I'm a leftie, well, I just kept hitting ignore when it rang. Damn newfangled tiny electronic bits. Not that I've minded ignoring most of the calls I got... made Christmas just that tiny bit more enjoyable.
I also wrapped a thankyou present for Rob and Shari. But I can't say what it is cause she may be looking.
It's obvious I was up a little too early this morning, isn't it?
Friday, December 26, 2003
Boxing Day
We got up at 6:30. We were at Walmart at 8 am. With 5,000 other people. 'Nuff said.And I know this is a bit like I'm 12 and making a list of what I got, but I think it's been since I was about 12 since I could make a list of what I got. So, there, you're just going to have to put up with it.....
From Shari and Rob...
2 new books!
a Detroit Redwings Face Cloth
2 bottles of homemade wine
Ferrero Rocher!
turkey leftovers!
six tank tops
two t-shirts
a red blouse
a turtleneck
a sweater
dress pants
a tartan squort
At the mall I got....
a little baby cactus
Febreeze!
10 pairs of underwear from LaSenza
12 pairs of socks!
Satsuma body lotion and bath bubbles
low rise soft cargo pants
2 long sleeve t-shirts
low rise dress pants
trackpants
...and I only spent $30. All the gift certificates are gone. Yay me! Doing a little 'best christmas ever, made-out-like-a-bandit' dance.
I'm knackered, just got home and going to hit the tub with a new book and Satsuma bubbles.
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
one week
All that week, all the emotions that tumbled through me: pleasure, delight, gratitude, fear, greed. I was astonished by the greed. By how, even relaxed and satisfied, there was always an edge of hunger creeping in - growling, wanting more.I remember the week as liquid collage... a series of shifting sensations in time: dreamy, almost trancelike states, in which I felt more like a mood than a woman - the mood of a ship that has weathered fierce storms now docked and firmly anchored, home...then states of ravenous hunger, when I wanted to lean out the windows and roar.
In between the two of them, a thin layer of something like blue, liquid ice: eerie little flashes, questions and shadows of doubts and dreams.
Remember one week...the best week of your life...the best you knew you'd live to see, or ever hope to want to...how, though you knew the days must pass, you tried to savor each moment, even as you felt them slipping through your fingers.
It may have been a week with someone special who was leaving you soon, and forever. It may have been in some lost, magical place you can never return to; your last time, your best time there.
Try to remember.
I'll never forget.
Are you there again, with me?
neil @ 9:59PM | 2003-12-24| I have alot of best weeks, all related to people in my life. Its funny how when you think of a best week with someone, you can't help but wonder if it was that week in particular that defines how you really feel about that person, even if the relationship is years and years long. If all that is true, then some of my best weeks make me smile and laugh, and others make me really sad. A best week memory that brings on feelings of sadness makes you think, doesn't it!?
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
free at last
Keiko, the celebrity orca who won hearts as the star of the 'Free Willy' movies and then broke them again when he refused to return to the wild, died suddenly of pneumonia in a Norwegian fjord. He was 27 and had spent most of his life in captivity. A foundation attempted to return him to his native waters off Iceland five years ago, but he had become too dependent on handlers, who fed him. They buried him secretly rather than have a spectacle made of his death.Macleans. In Brief. December 29th, 2003.
Good for them. I don't know how many of you were of the age group to have followed this story but it's been a long and very sad one. "Free at last" is a fitting memorial and should stand as a shameful epitaph for the human race.
overwhelmed
I logged in this morning, during that man-I'll-do-some-work-once-the-coffee-kicks-in time and I see that 30 people have been here overnight. Setting aside the freaking out bits of eep! I'd like to hide under the bed, I thought, "wow, soooo many people read the comment I left in Blue Witch's site."Then, tonight, in catching up with everyone in my daily list, I see this....
Your future is in your hands.
no more
...please, no more. Did I work today? Well, I showed up. Did some stuff. Moved some things to my 'new' office (ie: cubicle). Did some other stuff. The boss has been kinda beery lately so about 2:30 he says, "fuck it, there's only five people here, let's go for beer." We all left our computers on in the vain attempt to indicate we'd be back and drank till four, whereupon we went back to work long enough to shut down and put our coats on.Not a bad day for New Year's Day. I'll be back at it tomorrow until 1 pm (early closing) as I must "re-train" the receptionist. How exactly do you address 'too giggly' as an improvement point, I ask? Oh, and that spreadsheet with steps for phone calls to take that scary-non-boss asked me to make? A little anal, really, and HEY, I don work fa you no mowa! *kiss*
A little something from the comments in labyrinthman's lj a while back that was just so ...great...that I can't get it out of my head.....and so I'm passing it along to everyone else as my Christmas wish...
a brain, heart and courage, and that indeed, there is no place like home."
Monday, December 22, 2003
today is the last day of my year
...in leading up to Christmas day, I'm not going to blather on grinch-like nor gush overwhelmingly, laugh with joy nor get all weepy.Cause frankly, it's been a fuckin' bitch of a year out here in random land. I'm quite happy to declare today the last day of the year, cause I am so done with 2003.
2003 has been a year of choices, struggle, strife, calamity, surgery, scares, revelations, pitfalls and downfalls and spiky-bottom traps. Bad life choices and good life choices that have taken some time to prove themselves sound, if only I could hang in there long enough to see it and not give up. Men on one hand who were completely insane, men on the other who were little tiny gifts from God. And one in the middle who's a great big carrot on a stick. It's been a year of good friends and bad, it's been a year of being a good friend and bad. It's been a year of two steps forward, one step back and holy shit, look out for the iiiiiiiice. It's been a year of chucking out the bad, trying to hang on to the good and desperately searching, at times, for the light at the end of the tunnel. All the while staggering about blindfolded and hoping against hope as I take another step that that's not the whistling of the wind at the edge of a cliff I hear.
That cliff has been far too close at times, and once or twice I would have gone ass-over-teakettle all the way down to the bottom, if it hadn't been for a hand or two reaching out to grab me as I teetered on the edge.
Today...was a perfectly wonderful day, with great prezzies and fabulous people and a precious gift of faith in my ability and my potential that I haven't seen from an employer in a long long time, if ever. It was someone finally saying, "You're too valuable to lose" instead of "You can't afford to quit so shut up and get back to work" or "Go ahead, you're totally replaceable."
Christmas Day will be spent with a family, a little family, a family that I am a treasured part of in a way that I haven't been a treasured part of any family in years. Where my own tiny family unit is equally recognized as truly being legitimate.
For these reasons and more, today is the last day of my year. It ends on a tidal wave of rightness, a good night's sleep and the knowledge that I've finally seen something good come from all the hard things I've done this year in my search for what make me happy. That it's not an endless struggle, but only a series of sometimes slippery and broken steps, where every once in a while, you do actually get to sit and relax in a sun-filled oasis before mounting the stairs once more.
Tomorrow, I'll be ready for what next year brings. But, today, 2003 ends on a high note.
and with many thanks to blue witch....
They said there'll be snow at Christmas,
They said there'll be peace on earth,
But instead it just kept on raining,
A veil of tears for the Virgin birth.
I remember one Christmas morning,
The Winter's light and a distant choir,
And the peal of a bell and that Christmas tree smell,
And eyes full of tinsel and fire.
They sold me a dream of Christmas,
They sold me a silent night,
They told me a fairy story,
'Til I believed in the Israelite.
And I believed in Father Christmas,
And I looked to the sky with excited eyes,
Then I woke with a yawn in the first light of dawn,
And I saw him and through his disguise.
I wish you a hopeful Christmas,
I wish you a brave New Year,
All anguish, pain and sadness,
Leave your heart and let your road be clear.
They said there'd be snow at Christmas,
They said there'd be peace on earth,
Hallelujah! Noel!, be it Heaven or Hell,
The Christmas we get, we deserve.
there really is a Santa Claus, Virginia
Today, for Christmas, I got-a two hour free lunch
-$75 in gift certificates for the Eaton Centre and associated shops from scaryboss
-$100 gift certificate for dinner at Wildwood/Bonterra or Catch from goodboss
-freedom
Despite spending all morning wanting to barf and losing my private office I immediately move over into the 'production pit' to learn as backup for them and work full time for the goodboss business unit. One of my options to the goodboss this morning. I didn't discuss salary considerations at this point but will do so end of January. It made me feel good that he listened, agreed and acted immediately. I guess it didn't hurt that he made the comment that no one in the office has been able to miss how I've been feeling lately and that's not something he's prepared to be okay with. I (deftly, I feel) avoided answering the "is it her fault?" question by citing a myriad of reasons from my inability to not take things personally, to her inability to change and her expectations as opposed to his for what an assistant should be doing. I guess the thing that made me feel the best is the comment made by another VP that, "T doesn't do anything that isn't a sure bet." Which makes me the sure bet. And that's pretty cool.
He even presented it to scary in a manner that turned out better than could have been hoped for.
So, with the minor bonus on Friday, the dog's taken care of, with the pressies today I can buy myself some nice stuff and the heavy heavy load I've been carrying has been completely erased.
Sometimes, life is a beautiful thing. And sometimes, I'm glad I don't do what everyone tells me to do and instead, take the chance to rock the boat rather than suffer the seasickness.
Thanks to all of you who had your fingers crossed for me.
scott @ 3:05PM | 2003-12-23| Why to double-clutch? Is there any benefit? This is essentially like normal shifting, except that the clutch is momentarily released between shifting from one gear to another, and when downshifting, the engine is briefly revved up with the gas pedal as well. (This brief spurt of gas pedal pressure is called "blipping" the throttle.) Why is this done? It has to do with a mechanism called a synchromesh. Without going into a painfully technical explanation here, suffice it to say that the engine is not actually connected directly to the transmission; Rather, the engine's output goes to the transmission through a shaft called a layshaft. This layshaft exists to help the engine and transmission rotate with each other at a speed that's mutually acceptable. When you select a gear, between the time that you move the gear shift lever and the time you release the clutch, the synchromesh makes the layshaft spin at a speed that will let it mesh with the engine nicely when you release the clutch. Double-clutching is done to manually match the speed of the layshaft with the transmission, instead of having the synchromesh do it. This is normally only done in vehicles which don't have a synchromesh, but some drivers do it just to save wear and tear on their synchromesh if it is not working properly, or if they just want to prolong its life. It is also commonly done when racing, as letting the synchromesh do all the work when you're driving fast will wear it out quickly.
Jen @ 11:28PM | 2003-12-27| even though I asked this ages ago, thank god that someone explained it. Cause, you know, apparantly the cars they make these days have syncromesh. Not the chargers, beaumonts and novas I learned to drive in but that was....well...a long time ago. I miss driving.
Saturday, December 20, 2003
WTF?
I just remembered part of a conversation before the trapping in the corner confessions that made me laugh for a good oh, two minutes. Right out loud. My company works with W's company (just can't away from him, really) and it's contract renewal time.he: "Can you get your boss to knock $3,000 off the contract price? You guys are charging us an outrageous amount. Tell G I'll give the money to you for three nights of sex."
me: "Jesus, W, you really are a shit, aren't you?"
he: "You see, honey, you're just so negative. I just said I would pay you a thousand dollars a night. THAT'S A COMPLIMENT!"
I do have to give him credit though, he followed it up with how absolutely hot I looked. In baggy cargo pants and a dirty tee shirt. Insisting I carefully planned my attire to accentuate my gorgeous self. I just couldn't make him understand that I put on what fell out of the closet when I opened the door which made me feel a bit stupid as he proceeded to go over the outfit and point out it's high points. He hasn't lost the knack of redeeming himself, thank god, given the severity of his foot-in-mouth disease.
As sassy says so well
I've got my own little bag of W under the bed. And honestly, that's not a bad thing.
disparities in memory
He spoke last night about how badly he had wanted to figure it out, to figure me out, how much he had wanted to make it work if only I would have let him. That I had been very clear on it being only physical. But I remember him telling me he would never date someone he worked with. I remember him indicating that that was all he would accept. I remember trying to find some way to break down his walls and make him love me, make him see me.I remember listening to him for hours, fascinated and lost in the amazing and carefully constructed world he had in his head. I remember a day we spent in his darkened office surrounded by his favorite things, after I had left the company but could still get through the security doors on the floor, debating which finger his new ring looked best on. I remember that as being one of the most perfect times of my life, there, with him. With his singleminded seriousness about something so inconsequential. I remember being completely infatuated with everything he did, every move he made. I remember Colleen nicknaming him "GQ" because he always was ...just....so. I remember his apartment and his 10 pairs of runners, like Seinfeld. I remember the dog hating him and peeing where his shoes had been, every time he left, as if she knew how protective he was of them. I remember awkward moments where neither of us could ever say what we wanted to. He remembers the day I called him to say, "I've just gotten a new bed, want to come over and help me break it in?" He remembers wanting to stay and me making him leave. I remember being so afraid that he would reject me. I remember a drunken summer afternoon in which he kissed me in the middle of the street and told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life kissing me as cars honked all around us.
And now, I remember last night, when he told me that I was the best he ever had as he leaned up against me and whispered to me to feel how his body reacts every time he sees me. And as he reached out to touch my face and tell me that he would spend the rest of his life thinking about me when he's with someone else. And I can see in his eyes that he means it, that all he's saying is true, even though he will never do anything to change it. I can see that in a day, or in a year, I can call him up and have him there, for a brief moment, if only I could bear to let him go again.
And I wonder, how I could ever have became that person to him? That person you spend your existence being lonely without.
And then I think, how is it possible that he's made himself that person to me?
Eternal yearning and passion it may be, but I don't think it was ever really love. And it's far too late now to find the truth of what it could have been.
neil @ 11:09AM | 2003-12-23| I find this very deep, and it makes me sad. I still struggle to find words that might console you. What's with the ' I find this very deep' stuff? I don't know. Guess I just want you to know that you have paid your dues, and the good stuff will come.
Thursday, December 18, 2003
humor me, will ya?
and get that "this is so beneath me" look off your face....
she's just embarrassed that I made her pose with her teddy bear, not realizing how lucky she is that I didn't drape little lit-up lights around her.
Jo @ 2:30PM | 2003-12-19| Awwwwww, look at the Munchkin, too cute! Ahhh miss ya darlin' where you been keeping yourself???? Word. Peace out.
Monday, December 15, 2003
I liked this, so I'm going to keep it here, just in case enetation goes tits up....Today was a bad day. And nothing really happened. We shopped for the families, I wrapped all the presents. Scaryboss called from Texas so I could put her on hold on her cell phone for 20 minutes and argue with the travel agent about whether there was a flight 20 minutes earlier than the one we'd booked her on. Only to confirm, yet again, that there wasn't, whereupon she told me I was stupid and said she'd do it herself. Go fill your boots, baby.
The paycheque came in. The paycheque went out.
I came home. Felt the dogs leg, which feels like the contraption holding it together snapped. I sat down and cried. I looked for part-time jobs on the net, like that would even help at this point. Now I'm going for a bath. And then maybe I should check the leg again. Just in case.
We have some HR meeting on Wednesday, then I'll be taking the rest of the week off. I'm not sure it's what I need, but it's the only thing I can think of to do at this point. Get rest.
And rather than depress anyone else any further than I already have, I may just be a little erratic about posting. If you don't have anything nice to say......
Day 7 v.3
Sunday, December 14, 2003
a walk
On fairly warm winter days we lengthen our morning walk to encompass a full square block as opposed to the half block we usually do, mostly in deference to age, a fake knee and arthritis, with a little dose of mom's inability to stand about in the cold while she stops every two feet to investigate.This morning we met a little shitz-u (that's phonetic spelling as I don't know the real spelling), whose name was "Mike". Her Highness is a little unpredictable around others of her species, although she tends to go postal only in the vicinity of large dogs. Cause that would be sensible? He was pretty cute, we walked along a ways and, being a little gentleman, stopped to wait while she peed.
After parting ways we crossed the street, whereupon she immediately hit a large patch of ice and went down. Laying there, looking up at me, as if I should have been there to catch her, I helped her up and we continued on.
She on three legs, me on two.
I thought that she may be able to walk it out but ended up instead carrying her back to the house.
In administering aspirin (I really should buy the coated kind) we tried an orange slice, yoghurt, bread, bread and jam combinations and finally I had to just jam my fingers down her throat and hold her mouth shut. She's now laying in the corner, moaning.
Things like this frighten me greatly. I'm so afraid she'll blow out her other cruciate ligament as now she is far too old for surgery, although the one knee we had repaired was an amazing bit of work, I don't think her wizard surgeon could work around her age at this point even if I could afford the hit, which for surgery like that is currently three of my paycheques.
The leg she's favoring though is the previously operated on one and I doubt she could have blown out the plastic and steel configuration holding it together so I have the feeling she's just pulled the large muscles in her 'thigh'.
I'm off to apply heat.
I could never handle having a child.
Day 6 v.3
Saturday, December 13, 2003
the munchkin....
has gotten into the holiday spirit and is wearing jingle bells draped about her neck.Little does she know that I cannot be fooled and that happy jingling as she makes her 'safety rounds' around the condo only serves to make me ever more green and grinch-like.
And increasingly aware that turning 16 in January very likely bumps the probability of her last Christmas to being this one. My god, that's 112 in dog years. Can you imagine? Must kiss her more often.
Monday, we shop for the families that the office is sponsoring. One, mom/dad/2 abused and fostered girls under 10 and a puppy. I dragged the Munchkin's never-used stocking out to fill for the puppy - I think the girls would like that since they listed the dog specifically on our forms. The other, a single dad with three little girls, one of which is brain damaged. Knowing that we're doing this is Christmas enough for me.
Although, I am contemplating reindeer ears for the puddlejumper. To provide photo ops and memories, along with her gifts for Christmas morning. I always get something from my little sister and like to have something for the both of us to open. It's only fair, after all.
I'm watching liposuction on TV (and trying not to heave) and they're going on and on about swelling caused by trauma to the tissue. And I have to wonder, if they didn't yank that fucking thing about so violently, would there be so much trauma?
I've accomplished many about-the-house things today. Attended a seasonal cheer party last night, briefly. I went early to avoid the crowds, which is a smart move on my part...but I did not factor in the annoyance level of the small amount of warm bodies. The good storyteller's stories, sadly, were drowned out by the bad I only-think-I'm-witty one.
I left claiming dry contacts as....although I am feeling much better, the scissors are never far away.
The urge has left to jam them in my own throat, but I cannot be sure that the inclination towards the throats of others is entirely and safely tucked away in it's own cubicle.
Day 5 v.3
luckycharm @ 1:23AM | 2003-12-14| funny, the cat got into it tonight also. he waved a bow on his tail and tied another brighter one around his neck....did a little dance to the Jingle Bell Rock.
Friday, December 12, 2003
sometimes...
I think...am I doing this for myself?
Am I doing this so my friends and family can keep up with what I'm thinking? (Which has been proven as a bad idea over and over and over, yet again.) While in some ways, - N and G - it's been something good, I think.
So that strangers can come here and learn about someone they may never meet?
But, really, feedback is minimal. Although traffic itself is high. (relatively)
I'll talk to myself, regardless, but is it just worth more to *me*, as a human being, to do it the way I always have, by writing it down?
Is there a point to this? I've seen so many amazing people shut it down lately. People who are more eloquent, more observant, more ..... more.... than I, just give up. Lately. Is it the season? Will it pass?
And somehow, I've become too attached to the traffic stats and the comments and the performance anxiety to actually do what I wanted to do here.
Maybe that's why I need the time off.
No, I just have a way of complicating things.
'House of Sand and Fog'
luckycharm @ 1:19AM | 2003-12-14| i'm not sure why we people blog. but i've come across this question across many blogs. often i'll just pop into one and there it'll be. i'll look at how long the person has been blogging and it's usually about 3/4 months going in. we do it for ourselves. to a point. then the rest seems to be the a strong desire for just one word we say to be heard. we each have our little world with knowledge we're living within an unbelievably large world...and we're curious to hear an echo coming from the far edges, how far away can we be heard. maybe. i'm still wondering about this whole thing myself. we yell out a bit, then when we get tired, we fall silent once more.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
it's not....
that I'm gone completely. I just needed a little time for an emotional/physical/balance reset to survive the week and find it in me to write something interesting. And when I wrote that, I was not feeling eloquent...so, now I am and then, I'm gone till the weekend.Case in point: conversation at work:
"Hi Jenny, how you doing?"
"I'm just contemplating on whether worker's compensation will cover me if I run down the hall with scissors in my mouth and accidentally trip."
"We don't have worker's comp, put the scissors down.... honey... please."
"Oh. Well, then...."
Big google search this week - the dodo. Was I not right in that Macleans was SO not clear on that?
But here are four lovely people's posts that fairly scream....read me, READ me!
So, go on, do it.
'Tis the Season. To find out why no-one (I mean, no one) is getting cards from me.
Little Red Boat.Cause I don't watch the news and she does.
Acerbia. Cause Acerbia ROCKS!
Troubled Diva's goodbye. What else can I say?
One final note and quote (paraphrased):
If you look back to the four weeks before the infection - people killing people. Which is much of what I saw for the four weeks before that, and before that and before that. People killing people. Which, to my mind, puts us in a state of normality right now.
So, do what I did, and watch "28 Days Later", which I'm too tired to link to. But don't watch past the credits cause the alternate ending will piss you off. Otherwise, fab-u-lous. Day 2 v.2
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
out-of-blogger alert
Hi thereI'm taking a few days off. I'll be back sometime over the weekend.
Have a safe and happy week.
No less than the trees and the stars;
You have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
No doubt the universe
Is unfolding as it should.
Day 1 v.3
Monday, December 08, 2003
gah
Tried to go to bed early, after leaving work with the strangest pain right behind my belly-button. Of course, I probably shouldn't have checked the 'symptom' pages on the internet as it was all just....bad. Especially since it had been getting worse all day and I still have my appendix. I felt better as soon as I left work though. I think it's scaryboss stress, which I can mostly ignore since I love the rest of them. Sometimes, though, she just really gets to me. And today was one of those days.Or I'm an out-of-control hypochondriac.
Needless to say, since I'm writing this, I'm not asleep. I almost was. But then I wasn't. And tossing and turning while the dog snores on the floor beside the bed is unfair. Unfair.
hmph.
Sunday, December 07, 2003
and a good time was had by all
well...from what I can remember anyways.Got home at 5 am. Got up at 4 pm. Took aspirin. Went back to bed, whilst waiting for the throbbing headache to subside (I'm sure I could actually see in the bathroom mirror - like my head was breathing). Now it's 5:30 and I've had a lot of water, couple cups of coffee and two fried egg samwiches. And I'm shipshape.
I think.
But maybe I'll go lie on the couch. Just to be sure.
Day 60 v.2
Saturday, December 06, 2003
just call me 'Q'
Completely futile search for the curling iron. I must have thought - "I'll never grow my hair out again." Toss.I did, however find more books in my stored stuff. Added to Bookcase.
party bits
In thinking over the work christmas party tonight, I've had to sit down this morning and write down the names of all the whiffs (wives). At least the ones I know of. I have the worst memory for names and since I've mostly not met any of the sig others, I need to have them written down somewhere so I can visualise them in my head. I know, I know, there's all sorts of tricks to remember things like that but...I always forget to use them.At work parties there's usually a core group that you 'hang' with but in being a new member of the family and spending a large amount of time bonding with the guys I do most of my work for, I'm sure their wives are wondering about this girl who bullies their husbands into getting things done.
The wonderful thing (well, one of them anyways) about the majority of people at work is that though they are all high-earners, high-power types they stay the same people all the time. After working in government and with so many people who have an inflated idea of their own self-worth, I had promised myself that the job I stayed with would be populated with people who were themselves. No separation between 'work' and 'home' person. Have I mentioned I love them? Lately?
Note to G - since you don't have comments.... thinking of you, it's a hard thing to lose a friend. You are important also, to us. You know where I am if you need anything.
I'm setting down attempt #2 and then I'll be off to hunt out the tiny tiny curling iron. I'm tired of the growingout hair making me look like a q-tip so if I can find the damn thing I'll curl my head tonight.
Day 59 v.2
Friday, December 05, 2003
fried-ay
Thank you to S for sending this link, which explains the dodo mystery. Apparantly, in birdland, proper bird names are not capitalized and so the bird they found was the 'long-legged warbler". I am unaccountably upset that it wasn't the dodo.You know when you wake up in the morning and you think, "Man, wouldn't it be nice to sleep in today?". Well, I made the executive decision to actually do it (since everyone I'm waiting on for work is off/skiing/"working from home" today) I set my alarm for the regular time (with a second for backup) and waking up, thought, "Man, wouldn't it be nice to....oh, yeah, babeeee."
I got to work 10 minutes after T1 (damn) about 10:30. Then, ordered some gift baskets for clients. Then T1 decided that he should buy pizza (for the third time this week - he's in a rut) and beer for the office. Coordination ensued. Then food. Now, it's 2:40 pm and I've had 3 beers, done no work and may just head home at 4.
Honestly, if it paid more, I'd be in heaven.
Shit, who am I kidding? I may be dangerously broke, and 75% of my take home pay may go to basic mortage and bill necessity, but I *am* in heaven.
As T1 was forcing me onto the third beer, we discussed our mutual purposelessness - it's not just me - which is good. And, finding out today that we're switching pay periods from twice a month to every two weeks at least then will allow for those two deceptive 'extra' paycheques a year. Also, starting in June, we'll have an RRSP program that the company will match, so along with the raise that'll kick in March-time, things will get better. Is that...is that a light I see at the end of the tunnel?
I know that I have always maintained that leaving the high-paying crap job was a good decision and one I do not regret. Even while I try to ignore that last year I made twice as much as I do now. I even try to pretend that 12 YEARS ago I didn't make 6,000 more than I do now. Cause, that is just counterproductive to the fact that I LOVE THIS PLACE.
I really *hic* do.
Day 58 v.2
Thursday, December 04, 2003
meaning/purpose/justification
attempt #1
Perhaps the purpose for which I was born is not to write about my life - on paper, privately or on the web, publicly - in an endless search for some elusive universal meaning. That one piece of the puzzle that may help me to understand my life. Or help those who care to understand me. I have to admit, in my more egomaniacal moments, I've even thought I could help others with their own puzzle. It is a mission I have by turns embraced and denied.Instead of striving to make even the tiniest mark on the world or on myself, perhaps I should consider the possibility that the sole purpose for which I was born was to amuse the Munchkin. To save her from a life of abuse and provide her with a sense of security. To be not her master, but her loving sister. To ensure that the silent and monochromatic world she lives in is as safe and wonderful as it can possibly be. To make her strange and difficult life as easy, as full of delight and as comfortable as one could wish.
Perhaps....
That, I think, would constitute a purpose as meaningful to me as most and more noble than some.
It is a door that must be opened so that the view therein can be carefully considered.
luckycharm @ 12:43AM | 2003-12-05| i think this is one of the best purposes for life i've heard from anyone ever.
Chris @ 10:15AM | 2003-12-05| I love the way you write. And that's a great purpose. *hug* PS How are you doin? *wink* Miss you.
jeez
see? it was so traumatic I remember FOUR french hens. But, there must have only been three of us. Cause, all dressed in brown from head to toe, I was *not* a calling bird.my pret-ty
My new cell phone arrived at work today. It's awfully cute. But the instruction booklet is three times the size of the phone and twice as heavy.And I really must get a clippy carry thing for it before I actually use it. Alternatively, I could carry it about it my mouth like a chipmunk.
Is that socially acceptable?
Day 57 v.2
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
pfah
I am cheery lately, no?Beginning of December, what can I say? It's the botheration of Christmas. That defining moment, when at the tender age of five I was forced to be one of the four french hens in a play, and everything's been off the rails since.
Ahh, but 'tis the orifice party this weekend. They do know how to do it up right, these employers of mine. If it were Thanksgiving, I'd be thankful. But since it's Christmas, I'm stabby.
And still without a purpose. Although, helping that dilemma along, I was told today that we should just list me as EA in the North American directory, and not as 'acting'. Reduces the limbo-ness and allows me to concentrate on other things - such as hoping for a good night's sleep and getting on with the hunt for meaning.
I *am* thankful for T2, who helped me immensely with the 'what the hell do I do with that damned locked in pension' money lecture today, even though he's the busiest fella alive. And little SD, who inspired me so that I walked home for the second day in a row. Slippy boots, snow and all.
I've gotta say that this girl makes a twisted sort of sense. (thanks to Metamorphosism for the link)
The dodo thing still bugs me though.
bally - hooooooo!
It really had to be done...My favorite, favorite, smiling-like-a-fool just-thinking-about-it word of the week.
From my favorite word-wizard who lives at Bedbugs and Ballyhoo.
"stop niggling at me, damn it, I'm trying to sleep"
disclaimer: this is in no way meant to elicit a response from said individuals, if they are people who visit my blog. this is my response to my subconscious telling me that I need to work this out. somewhere. this is my perception to deal with and should not be construed as a attempt to engender apologies or explanations. they are not needed. nay, they would be unwelcome.After yet another dream sequence involving being shot at, I'm going to go ahead and assume that to exorcise the little unconscious demon that's stalking me, well, then I've got to babble on into the ether about it. Cause that may be the only way to accept this little hurt and make it go away.
Over the last little while, twice I've had people I trust make offhand and very hurtful comments, directly at me or a choice I've made. I know that not everybody is out to get us, our lives are cluttered with people who wound us in small ways, but both these instances were different than that.
They came from people I've trusted with the way I feel, with how I think and reason things out, whom I trusted to understand me and in whom I've tried to invest the time to reciprocate.
In the period of time that I've withdrawn myself from most people I know, where it became easier to hide everything away rather than be misunderstood yet again, it is still human nature to put one's self on the line, to someone. Only to have it proven ...one...more...time that there really are no non-judgmental relationships. Someone always has to feel 'better'. Someone always has to point out that you made what they consider to be the wrong choice and remind you that they think you were stupid, even while protesting that that's not the way they feel at all. Or even, with no prior indication, the way they really think slips out inadvertently and slaps you right in the face.
So, consider me chastised.
But, understand this... I'm not sorry for what I've done, my reasons for doing it nor the outcomes of my choices. In a lot of ways, I stopped putting myself on the line in the last year. I will never believe that choosing to go out on a limb again is wrong. I'm only sorry that I thought I could share it with you.
Day 56 v.2
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
living in the twilight zone
Today, I....1. went grocery shopping for the five things I can't live without - like food - until payday in roughly 13 more days, while, at the same time paying out $200 for Safeway gift certificates that work is buying for the 'sponsor a family for Christmas' program. They should sponsor me, apparantly. Or give me a raise.
2. received mail from the City of Calgary (which is always a bad sign) which actually said that property taxes were going down. I pay $15 (or 8%) LESS starting Jan 1. I had to sit down and just...breathe...for a while.
3. in the constant back and forth of whether or not I should just get rid of the landline and go cellphoneonly, in chatting with my phone company, the nice lady pointed out that I'd just finished paying for the phone I bought on monthly payments last year. So, now I own a phone I may not need. But, on the other hand, it's $12 less a month to pay.
4. Macleans magazine reports today in a snippet entitled No Dodo that...
But I couldn't find any news items that indicated the Dodo had been found. You'd think that would be pretty high up there, or is that just me? So, is the title misleading, although there is no mention of any other bird type in the sentence? Did they really find a freakin' dodo bird? I was already sitting down for this one, thank god. Well, actually I was reading in the bath, and almost went under and drowned....but, technically, I was not upright.
To my consternation, growing my hair out a bit longer (partly to save money on the 'every three weeks' haircut, partly cause it's mighty cold out there wid no hair, and partly cause, well, I'm female...ergo I go through this every couple of years before I admit that I'm a shortshort hair girl and chop it all off again) means only that it continues to grow straight out from my head. And so does not get longer as much as it gets....bigger. grr, I say. grr, at the hair.
luckycharm @ 1:22PM | 2003-12-04| i had the same type of thing happen...this was in the San Francisco Chronicle about 10 years ago. The article said doctors (forget from where) were going to extract an "alien probe" from a man's brain. I couldn't believe it...it sounded like something you would find some godawful supermarket tabloid. So I waited eagerly for more articles about it. Nothing. Ever again. Now I regret I didn't snip the article out of the paper. Maybe it was just too weird to be true.
another morning
As I raise my head from the pillow and blink my eyes open full into the blinding and abusive light of a Calgary winter dawn, I run an internal systems check.
I find nothing unusual, given the time of day. My lower back aches, my shoulders are tight, there is a pain over my right eye, my brain is swollen by dreams inside my skull. I do a yoga stretch up to the headboard, roll my head to let the whole mess slosh around and, pausing to poke the dog awake, stagger in the direction of the hot, hot water to relax my muscles. It's on occasions like these (ie: the beginning of every day) that I thank God I live alone, for it is a simple fact that I find it difficult to tolerate close contact with others in an increasing amount of circumstances but almost impossible before nine. Unthinkable without caffeine, for without coffee I am incoherent and weak in the morning, snappish by noon and helpless by 3 o'clock.
Waking up in a state of physical suffering is quite simply a side effect of a bad back, and, I suspect, a twisted refusal to give up the duck down feather bed but one which I have learned to live with. And, occasionally, when the budget permits, to marvel in living without.
But, standing in the shower this morning, I searched my mind for a sense of purpose.
And nothing came to me.
This too, thinking back, is not unusual. A phase. Maybe brought on by the Christmas season. Maybe what makes is so immediate, is that now - here- I've forced myself to say it out loud.
And opened up the door to having all of you watch me search to find it again.
Day 55 v.2
Monday, December 01, 2003
exhaustion
I went to sleep last night, one of those sleeps whereupon you doze, dreaming disjointed snippets of real life, for about 20 minutes before jerking awake. Wide awake.This happens to me quite a lot. It is so familiar that I know I will be unable to get back to sleep for a long long time afterwards.
4 hours later, about 5 am, I fell asleep again. Only to dream that a friend (not someone I knew, but someone in the dream I knew to be a friend) went beserk and starting shooting at people. She shot at me and I felt the wind blow by my hand but it was just a scratch. Until she walked closer and shot me almost point blank in the left side of my head. I fell over into the snow and someone told me to play dead so they could drag me away and get me to a hospital. I moved slowly, packing snow into the wound and hissing, "get away from me, I'm dead" frantically to the dipshit that came over to me, attracting the beserker's attention. I was carried out, put on an ambulance and then suddenly left on the side of the road, standing with my hand holding a large pack of snow, still, to the side of my head.
My dream dictionary said something that does make perfect sense but somehow does not dispel the horror of a bullet entering one's own head.
Welcome to Monday.
Day 54 v.2
luckycharm @ 1:17PM | 2003-12-04| that's a horrible dream but for some reason it made me laugh. i think i relate to it all too well.
